Aa
Really really confused, please help!
To put it blankly, I'm just utterly confused. I don't really know what's what anymore. There've been several confusing things going on in my life, and I think my confusion may be linked with the possibility that I'm depressed.
For starters, I don't trust people anymore after a rather silly but huge crush I had on a guy in sixth grade. My new "friends" said that I should tell him and that he'd like me back, so I did tell him by leaving him a note on the last day of elementary school, and when I went to see if he was there, he was gone and he'd left the note on the floor. I didn't do much for a week, and since then I've never told any of my friends (friends that weren't the ones I had in 6th grade) anything really personal. I don't ever invite them over just because I kind of consider my house a sanctuary for myself, where I can be sort of alone. (Since I have 2 sisters as well as a mom and dad that are always around.) I've so far spent the past 2 summers alone because of how I've been feeling, so I lie to my friends and just say I've been traveling a ton. So I just keep feeling alone, as well as angry a lot and more competitive and cynical then I used to be.
Also, I have currently gotten over this, but I used to have very suicidal thoughts, and 3 months ago I almost acted upon it by taking a belt and looking for a place to hang myself. I didn't find a place, and I ended up just crying for 2 hours instead. I'd like to consider myself un-suicidal now, as well as against running away, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go someplace better, and happier, or how sometimes I wish I could disappear.
Another problem I've been dealing with is struggles with religion. I am agnostic, probably going on atheist, but the rest of my family is Catholic, except for my older sis, who's atheist. I don't believe in god anymore cuz I used to pray when things got tough, and nothing happened so I just don't beieve anymore.
I can't continue on other symptoms I've been having, which includes the fact I don't know what I like, my anxiety and cynicality, how I'm scared I might do stuff where in my right mind I would never do, and my sexuality (its more of a fear of being bi or lsbian anyways) cuz my sis just came in and said she needs the computer, and she got mad cuz I didn't tell her why I was tearing up.
Please help. Or at least read. I'm not sure what I should do anymore.
-Liv
For starters, I don't trust people anymore after a rather silly but huge crush I had on a guy in sixth grade. My new "friends" said that I should tell him and that he'd like me back, so I did tell him by leaving him a note on the last day of elementary school, and when I went to see if he was there, he was gone and he'd left the note on the floor. I didn't do much for a week, and since then I've never told any of my friends (friends that weren't the ones I had in 6th grade) anything really personal. I don't ever invite them over just because I kind of consider my house a sanctuary for myself, where I can be sort of alone. (Since I have 2 sisters as well as a mom and dad that are always around.) I've so far spent the past 2 summers alone because of how I've been feeling, so I lie to my friends and just say I've been traveling a ton. So I just keep feeling alone, as well as angry a lot and more competitive and cynical then I used to be.
Also, I have currently gotten over this, but I used to have very suicidal thoughts, and 3 months ago I almost acted upon it by taking a belt and looking for a place to hang myself. I didn't find a place, and I ended up just crying for 2 hours instead. I'd like to consider myself un-suicidal now, as well as against running away, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go someplace better, and happier, or how sometimes I wish I could disappear.
Another problem I've been dealing with is struggles with religion. I am agnostic, probably going on atheist, but the rest of my family is Catholic, except for my older sis, who's atheist. I don't believe in god anymore cuz I used to pray when things got tough, and nothing happened so I just don't beieve anymore.
I can't continue on other symptoms I've been having, which includes the fact I don't know what I like, my anxiety and cynicality, how I'm scared I might do stuff where in my right mind I would never do, and my sexuality (its more of a fear of being bi or lsbian anyways) cuz my sis just came in and said she needs the computer, and she got mad cuz I didn't tell her why I was tearing up.
Please help. Or at least read. I'm not sure what I should do anymore.
-Liv
honestly- and i am not a doctor by any means, so please don't count on my word alone- but anxiety, depression, fear of abandonment/rejection, trust issues, not feeling like you know who you are (i think you said "i don't know what i like"), and overreactions to small things (such as a boy in elementary not liking you back and getting depressed or suicidal over it) are all classic symptoms of borderline personality disorder.
when you pushed your friends away for the summer, did you spend a lot of time brooding over the fact that they never saw you, even though you told them you were traveling? do you often find that you overreact to everything in the heat of the moment, and feel bouts of really irrational anger, but realize very quickly after that you weren't even really mad about whatever happened to begin with? is your tolerance for boredom and being alone really low? do you get paranoid thinking that everyone hates you, and you get so upset just thinking about it that you can cry for hours? in your relationships with people, do you find that you often go back and forth between feeling like they are the best thing that happened to you, and then suddenly feeling like they are monsters and you want nothing to do with them?
if most of your answers are yes, i think you should really start researching borderline personality disorder. it might help you get insight (even if that insight is simply realizing you definitely don't have BPD).
when you pushed your friends away for the summer, did you spend a lot of time brooding over the fact that they never saw you, even though you told them you were traveling? do you often find that you overreact to everything in the heat of the moment, and feel bouts of really irrational anger, but realize very quickly after that you weren't even really mad about whatever happened to begin with? is your tolerance for boredom and being alone really low? do you get paranoid thinking that everyone hates you, and you get so upset just thinking about it that you can cry for hours? in your relationships with people, do you find that you often go back and forth between feeling like they are the best thing that happened to you, and then suddenly feeling like they are monsters and you want nothing to do with them?
if most of your answers are yes, i think you should really start researching borderline personality disorder. it might help you get insight (even if that insight is simply realizing you definitely don't have BPD).
why be so confused life is just begining for you...never tell your frirnds anything about a boy you like...they might be eyeing him too..and why dont you believe in god...its the devil thats making you feel like that...ther is plenty of fish in the sea...you dont need to kill yourself that wouldnt solve anything...you might lose a friend you havent met yet...life is about ups and down thats why we have stairs...and sometimes we will tumble down those stairs so fast...but we get back up...stop punishing yourself...life is just beginning...
Okay, having worked with pre-teens, teenagers and young adults, some things I can definitely say are:
1) Keep talking with people,
2) Get counseling - and I would suggest from someone who is a certified therapist and not someone who hangs out a sign that says "therapy". If you are in a school, try the guidance department. If you are in college, the health department should have people there that can assist. Also, there may be counseling services available and these should be good at a post secondary institution. Some institutions also have clinics - check into that.
3) Sexuality: always a concern for people. Given the animosity that some have for others not of their orientation, it is not surprising that that you are afraid of what your orientation might be. One attitude that I've cultivated is that "you love who you love". If that was accepted a bit more, perhaps people wouldn't be so uptight. Again though, this is an area that a therapist can help explore with you. Don't be afraid if you are asking questions about it. It's better to do that now that wait until you are in a relationship and find out "Whoops, wrong orientation...". Had that happen to me with my girlfriend at the time (I wanted to marry her), and things went down the tubes over the course of a year. Many years later, I found that she preferred women, and didn't marry me (even though she wanted children and to fit in) because it would have been a lie.
As far as religon - you are asking the question - "Why did not God answer?". There's the old story of the guy who was in a flood. The water rose past the first floor, so he went to the second. The water rose up past he second so he went to the roof. He prayed to God to save him. A rowboat went by, people asked him if he wanted to go, but he didn't - he was waiting for the answer. The water rose higher, and a helicopter came by and called out by megaphone if he wanted to be rescued. He turned it down because he was waiting for the answer. Eventually, the water rose up past the roof and he drowned. At the Pearly Gates, he asked St. Peter why no one helped him, and St. Peter looked it up and said "Well, we sent the row boat - you didn't get in, we sent the helicopter, you didn't get in - what more could we do?". I know from experience that we can ask "The Question" of God. The problem: we'll get an answer we may not necessarily like... Doesn't mean though that God doesn't exist. God I think does exist - just not as all the different religions describe. And if you think about it, that makes sense. Many religions say that God is infinite. In which case, anything written about God in a book would be infinitesimally small...(I know that United Church/Bapstist/RC/Muslim/Hindu/etc will disagree vehemently with me. Oh well....
So, find a counselor - talk with that person about your concerns. An idea too would be to go to your doctor IMMEDIATELY - you have brought up the question of suicide and as a professional, I have to advise to seek help IMMEDIATELY.
You are a good person who is confused - there are people that can help. Just keep talking here and we'll listen...
Fluke...
1) Keep talking with people,
2) Get counseling - and I would suggest from someone who is a certified therapist and not someone who hangs out a sign that says "therapy". If you are in a school, try the guidance department. If you are in college, the health department should have people there that can assist. Also, there may be counseling services available and these should be good at a post secondary institution. Some institutions also have clinics - check into that.
3) Sexuality: always a concern for people. Given the animosity that some have for others not of their orientation, it is not surprising that that you are afraid of what your orientation might be. One attitude that I've cultivated is that "you love who you love". If that was accepted a bit more, perhaps people wouldn't be so uptight. Again though, this is an area that a therapist can help explore with you. Don't be afraid if you are asking questions about it. It's better to do that now that wait until you are in a relationship and find out "Whoops, wrong orientation...". Had that happen to me with my girlfriend at the time (I wanted to marry her), and things went down the tubes over the course of a year. Many years later, I found that she preferred women, and didn't marry me (even though she wanted children and to fit in) because it would have been a lie.
As far as religon - you are asking the question - "Why did not God answer?". There's the old story of the guy who was in a flood. The water rose past the first floor, so he went to the second. The water rose up past he second so he went to the roof. He prayed to God to save him. A rowboat went by, people asked him if he wanted to go, but he didn't - he was waiting for the answer. The water rose higher, and a helicopter came by and called out by megaphone if he wanted to be rescued. He turned it down because he was waiting for the answer. Eventually, the water rose up past the roof and he drowned. At the Pearly Gates, he asked St. Peter why no one helped him, and St. Peter looked it up and said "Well, we sent the row boat - you didn't get in, we sent the helicopter, you didn't get in - what more could we do?". I know from experience that we can ask "The Question" of God. The problem: we'll get an answer we may not necessarily like... Doesn't mean though that God doesn't exist. God I think does exist - just not as all the different religions describe. And if you think about it, that makes sense. Many religions say that God is infinite. In which case, anything written about God in a book would be infinitesimally small...(I know that United Church/Bapstist/RC/Muslim/Hindu/etc will disagree vehemently with me. Oh well....
So, find a counselor - talk with that person about your concerns. An idea too would be to go to your doctor IMMEDIATELY - you have brought up the question of suicide and as a professional, I have to advise to seek help IMMEDIATELY.
You are a good person who is confused - there are people that can help. Just keep talking here and we'll listen...
Fluke...
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