You all,I am young,ashamed,afraid and I need some advice!

[Motogal24]

I have been for the past 4 years now been having obsessive thought patterns that come about when Im feeling depressed. At that time,I was on Zoloft for 2 months,and had a bad experience with that,so I never tried any other antidepressants again. Also when I keep allowing my mind to believe that these thoughts are true,I get anxiety,for that I take 10 deep breaths and coax myself out of it,or take an ativan or xanax when I have some,which help but only temporarily. These negative thoughts pop into my mind out of the blue,like homicidal and Im like WHAT! I dont want to do that,I love this person,I wonder what the hell is going on,pray to god to make it stop and to calm myself tell myself that I am a good,loving person and that those thoughts are not true. Im crying as I type this,this has been happening to me since I was 19,Im 23 now and these symptoms havent subsided, Sometimes I feel ashamed and extremely embarassed to tell even a doctor that I have these thoughts so randomly,for no reason at all,its as if my mind uses these thoughts to upset me,and torture me,myself. I dont hear voices,I dont have delusions or hallucinations,I am a young,strong,loving young woman who just needs some help here,what do I do?! : (

[Motogal24]

Thankyou remar. We as humans forget sometimes that we are not alone,nor freaks(I sometimes feel that I am) Yes,ive talked  to a psychotherapist 3 years ago right after I weaned myself off of the zoloft. That medication scared the **** out of me(excuse my language but it made me have all of these suicidal thoughts and I just felt the way nails on a chalk board sound if that makes any sense) and mostly like a zombie,screaming inside but feeling programmed.  I stopped seeing him after my first two visits,he was such a nice doctor who wasnt rushing to put me on any meds. At the time of those visits,I wasnt having these obsessive,intrusive thoughts so often and I was really ashamed and embarrassed to tell my Dr cos I didnt want anyone eo know what a weird psycho I must have sounded like..I think its semi OCD-ish obsessive thought patterns that trigger my anxiety,which accompanies my serious depression,its like s chain reaction :/ Im just trying to be a normal 20 something and finish college,be able to go work at my two jobs with no emotional hassles,like today I couldnt go to either,my mood was so unstable and I didnt want to break down in front of my coworkers

[remar]

You should'nt feel ashamed to talk to your Dr. That's where I would start if I were you.
Have you ever been in counseling? If not, I would recommend that.
There are several antidepressants. Sometimes we may have to try several to find one that works for us.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there, okay. There is help available. And we of course will be here to listen and help any way we can.