i'm hurt

[BrokeMyHeart]

my boyfriend hurt almost everyday. I try my best to act tough and I don't care. but he keeps doing these small things that it hurts so much. like today, yesterday i sent him messages telling him how much i miss him and how it feels bad being without him and that i love him. when i woke this morning, i found just message telling me he's up and that's it. i told him at least say i love u too and he did. 5 minutes later he said check out my new g/f and he sent me a picture of a very beautiful girl " a model". he knows that i get so jealous when he talks about other girls. so i wanted to him to stop doing that, he didn't care a bit. so i said it's okay baby go flirt with other girls and get to know them. he got so excited and he said finally now u understand. I acted like i don't care, I thought he'll bad that I might not love him. but he was pretty much happy.
he never tell me nice things, I try to be everything he told me to be. i lost weight, i changed my hair color, i tanned, i don't my nails when he's away, i don't say hi back to guys in the university, i wear things hide my body. i have done it all to make him want me only even things when i think about them i feel sick, but i do it and i act i like it.
i go to my classes and alot of guys want to know me and sometimes they just tell ur so beautiful although i'm so rude with everyone.
i'm a friendly girl and they don't know it hurts me when i act so rude, and i became this angry girl. i didn't use to get angry for silly things, but i do now.
no one knows about what he does to me, i hide it and lie about he's the best man ever. i don't want other hate him.
writing this it's not easy at all because i see all the wrong things i'm doing to my self. but i can't leave him or ignore him.
i did it once and it killed me for 2 months. he didn't try to talk to me. i ended up asking him to get back with me. he blames me for everything and always it's my fault. once we got back he told while i was away, he was lonely and he went out with a girl that he kept her number as a backup plan. he told me that he wanted to say it, so he won't feel guilty about anything. after he said it he didn't listen to anything i said, he said now i feel better and good night.
the problem now i want to leave him but i'm scared. i can't handle it for real. i'm not young, i'm almost 30. now the pain make me can't breath, my whole body hurt not only my heart.
help me please, i'm so depressed. I hate how pathetic I sound, but i can't stop it for real

[mammo]

I agree with the above post!  This guy is not worth your time, he is toying with you, and your emotions, not a nice person!  You deserve someone who will only want you and respect you and your feelings.  This guy is having his cake and eating it too, let him have at it but you move on.  I know it's hard, but his actions are making you sick!  Take back your power, and decide to no longer be his victim.  You will meet men who are worthy of you, this guy isn't.  If this is affecting your day-to-day life, you may want to see a therapist for help with getting over this guy. Everything will be okay, you may need help, but most of us do at some point. I wish you all the best, and do take care.

[cantfly]

hi -this might sound blunt, but i would suggest: take control of your life, look after yourself as number one. and i would get rid of him so fast....
sorry probably not what u wanted to hear...
T.
ps. build on the friendships you have at uni.