I know HOW to move on... but I CAN NOT.

[ArtElement]

Please take you time with my question, it's not like I am going anywhere...

...Which is exactly the problem! IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

I'm not sure how I feel right now, but "sad" and "depressed" is as close as I could get. I'm more to the point of being in rage than in depression. I'm a 23 year old female. To make an incredible long story short... I am stuck living with my family and I can not seem to find a way out. I have absolutely NOTHING to offer.

I've been going to a community college for over 4 years. No, it's not as bad as it looks.... I simply changed my major a year ago after the economy crashed. I was studying to be an artist, but I was mercifully bashed and flamed upon by the world when everyone decided that no one NEEDS another useless artist, they need food and water. That's probably where a major contribution to some of the depression and rage that I am feeling now came from. Although the pain in my heart knocked me breathless for years, I put aside what I could and began preparing for my second major. This is my second semester in the Science area and so far everything is ok, but it's not my major that's bothering me, it's the fact that I can't seem to leave my house, and my family, because there is no where else for me to go! Literally!

I have seen two therapists in my time, and both visits took up an entire year of my savings. They both told me the same thing: try to move out if nothing can be done, and continue on with healthy living. I want to tear my hair strait from my scalp because everything people tell me about depression and/or moving on and/or being thankful and/or accepting the world I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT! I've known this for years and have NEVER done ANYTHING that would put someone else or myself in useless situations.

In fact, I am the ONLY person in my family who does NOT nor have I EVER smoked and/or drank anything harmful/illegal in my entire lifetime. I would never do anything that would cause myself bodily harm, so I am a little sick and tired of people assuming that I am going to end up just like my family and that there's no point in trying as a woman and as a member of an unhealthy family.

I do my best not to believe these words, but when people tell me not to worry about what others think, that's where the problem comes in.... I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK, but it's THEIR thinking that's preventing ME from finding somewhere to live because THEY won't give me the change to get there!!! What exactly am I suppose to do then?! No one trusts my age group and my work experience means jack now.

I work minimum wage at a current job, making less than 1k a month. It's absolutely pathetic, and although it never bothered me before, I now realize that all these years of working just minimum wage has tricked me into selling myself out cheap while other people, younger and far more stupid than me, rise to the top with little to no experience and the worst kind of skills I have EVER seen. Please believe me when I say that I am not unappreciative of my job opportunity. There are so many people not working, and the fact that I was able to snatch this job was a miracle before my very eyes.

It's my financial state that I can't seem to get out of, and my pride gets smothered by women years younger than me with very little experience and somehow managing to start off at a job that their 'family and friends' helped them get. It's not my fault that I was too busy working extra shifts for other people AND my own AND going to college to know anyone else! It wasn't my fault that I picked up the slack from EVER OTHER PERSON who had worked with me over my past jobs (which I only left due to skin allergies and language barriers)! Even soap, gloves, toothbrushes... these are things that I can't afford.

My family and I don't live in poverty, but I manage everything by using practically nothing. I wrap shirts over myself to replace my coat, I duck taped my shoes to keep from buying new ones, and other than a diet of water and fruit and veggies, I have even walked to work and back with the danger of being snatched up or killed.

I guess the last straw was when I overheard a few coworkers of mine at our company go on about their salaries and what they should buy next. I almost fell to the ground on my hands and knees in agony when I found out that these girls, 3 years younger than me and only one job that they worked at less than a year, were being paid more than me. I had heard this before... several times actually, and each time the pain becomes greater and greater. Here I am with 6 years of outstanding experience, and still SOMEHOW always getting the worst end of the bargain!!! I don't understand how or why!!! I never sold myself out, never jerked off at work, always had a strict schedule, bright attitude, met more than the quality standards... and yet somehow I can't even get a damn pillow for my couch to sleep on.

I've been breaking down for a short while because when people 'assure' me that I am better than others, they are missing the point. I don't want to be better, I want to be free! I want to continue with my education and help support others by finding cures for diseases. But with only 1 year of science under my belt, I have little to show and no profit to travel to a different location (because the gas money for my car is eaten away from driving to work and college and back home).

My family is unsupportable of my decisions and demand money for the time I spend researching on the computer. If they don't see my paychecks then I can't sleep in the house. And all these years of working myself to the bone just to support them and my driving to college has left me with no acquaintances, let alone anyone else I know well enough to stay with. There is no peace to study except the library, which takes more gas money.

I just don't know what to do. My college counselors are not helpful because they keep telling me to take more classes, and my community college isn't amused at my work situation. I don't have a low self esteem, I just simply have no where else to go! The only people I met are at my college, but many are after money or sex.

I don't mean to be harsh but I've been looking every day for years for an opportunity. And with people's "**** happens" saying being scolded into my conversation is causing me to break down into more rage than ever! And when they finally say that it's just because I'm a woman, THEN WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY DO AT THIS POINT?

Do I HAVE to marry a man to even consider living away from my family?! I can't find any way past this pathetic financial block. This is the first time I have ever spoken about money before, and the first time I have considered financial instability blocking my path to a better future. I always thought good education was the way to go, but if drunk, high school dropouts can get ahead long before me, then what hope do I have of ever being free? Sorry for the loose topic choice, I wasn't sure where else to turn :(.

[ArtElement]

... Yeah, almost a year ahead (sorry)... to whomever read this... thank you for your time and in your case mdp678 your response. Although some things haven't changed, I am doing my best to remain in good spirits and create solid contacts with other people. Knowing others is DEFINITELY a big help in trying to get another job or support, I've understood that for years. And I never actually stated anything about clinical depression o_0... but that's ok, it was a long rant to read . Unfortunately I still have no savings and my family relies on me to care for them as well, so I'm still trying to fish out what I can. I still have my art major but it's now a minor, and I didn't change to my other major because I thought the world said it was right... I changed it because it really WAS my passion and I was a little upset for not getting to it earlier.

I'll still be doing all I can and will never give up.