I am in recovery for bulimia, in need of support and advice :)

[jonslove0829]

I have had bulimia for a little over four years. I am 22 now, so this has been with me since the later part of my senior year of high school. Needless to say, over time it has gotten worse. I went from b/p once a day to 3 or 4 times a day at my worse. I realized that I needed to quit about a year and a half ago, but never made a serious enough or realistic enough approach to doing so until this past Wednesday when I had an epiphany I guess you could say. I was in the middle of a binge and I bit down on a bagel and one of my back molars cracked and a piece fell out. I was mortified to say the least. Last winter I had my wisdom's removed, along with a 5th tooth that was full of cavities before I became bulimic from no dental insurance and neglect growing up, and it became worse of course when I became bulimic. For some reason, I guess because it was already a bad tooth, I told myself that it was no big deal and not my bulimia's total fault. But this time, I cannot lie to myself and use any crazy excuse. So at that point I threw the bagel at the wall and yelled and cried and basically broke down and decided enough was enough. Maybe this was God's way of telling me that I was completely out of control and needed his help to stop. Whatever the case, I have never before felt so powered to quit until now. I finally told my boyfriend of four years that I was STILL bulimic. (I say still because I told him I used to be but made it seem as if I was done with it all and hadn't b/p since high school. Terrible, I know...I was just so afraid he wouldn't love me anymore and would think I was a disgusting freak.) It took me about 30 mins of him saying "Just tell me what you want to say!" before I could fix my mouth to say it, but I finally did. He is moving in with me next month, so I'm hoping having him beside me more often will help me with recovering. However, he is trying, but admitted he doesn't really like to talk about it because he doesn't understand it and feels powerless to help me. But we are working on that. I told him that it would help me allot for us to try and talk about it more, and for him to maybe research bulimia so he can understand it better and maybe that would help him to help me, or at least understand me more. I told him that I want to go to outpatient therapy, because talking to someone who gets it and can relate would be a great help. He agrees that it is a good idea of course. I feel SO much better having told him the truth finally. I felt incredibly guilty before, as if he didn't really know the real me. Anyway, as far as therapy goes, the only problem is I was laid off and have no insurance to cover therapy/group therapy session. I feel strong, and he is helping me the best he can right now, but I really long to just completely vent and unload on someone who is either going through the same thing or understands it all, in person. No one in my life as far as I know has had an ED before, and he is the only person for right now that I feel comfortable telling. Does anyone have any advice? Jon and I are going to buy a journal for me today, he suggested that and I think it will help allot. I am doing good so far, and I have been praying allot and trying to think positive and be strong. I want to be better so bad, for myself, for Jon (my bf) and for my family and friends. I want to be free of this and have kids one day and be happy and alive again. Thank you for reading this and any advice or encouragement :)

[Scout8601]

I'm glad you can feel proud of yourself b/c you should.  It's tremendously difficult to break the b/p cycle and I can tell you from experience that the longer you go without the easier it gets.  The freeing feeling is something I'm familiar with too.  I no longer have to keep myself closed up in my house, avoiding phone calls and hoping no one drops by.  It's really a good feeling to be free of the grip of this disorder.  One time in a group I was going to before I was in recovery a lady there who had been in recovery for 15 years said, "you can't even imagine how good life can be when you get into recovery".  At that time, still immersed in the disorder I couldn't see living without the bulimia, but you know what, she was right.  And you'll see it too.  Life can be so wonderful, even with it's ups and downs, when you can really live it. Eating disorders keep you from living a full life and you deserve to live your life and experience whatever good it has to offer.  

I want to add tho if you do have a slip please don't be too hard on yourself.  Nothing, including recovery, is perfect.  The key is to acknowledge the slip, renew your committment to yourself and your recovery, and then move on.  I pray that you continue without any b/p episodes.  Don't ever give up and try to reach out for any support you can find.  And always remember that you are worth whatever it takes to recover and claim your life back.  Take care

[jonslove0829]

Hi, thank you for replying! It gives me hope now to hear that there are some therapist that can work with my financial situation. I think you're right, I just need to invest more time into searching for one. Hopefully I can remain b/p free on my own until I do. It feels amazing to be 3 days clean. I have my journal now and it has been helping tremendously. Just to get all of my thoughts and concerns out of my head is a wonderful feeling. My body I feel is adjusting much better now. Today I didn't feel bloated after meals and when I went to the gym for my 30 min workout i felt like I had SO much more energy. When I was b/p I would be very tired and fatigued after working out.I feel so much better already, and I have so much more time in my day to get things done and I don't have to worry about someone randomly stopping by while I'm binging or in the middle of a purge. It's such a freeing feeling. I'm not worrying about washing a ton of  dishes or taking out an almost full trash bag before my boyfriend comes over from binging so much any more. I feel like I'm starting to get my life back. He told me he was proud of me today and that made me smile ear to ear, because for so long I have not been able to be proud of myself, only ashamed and although around family and friends, incredibly lonely.... I am praying that I keep going strong..I've never gone 3 days without an episode before..I never thought I could. Thank you for your prayers, I appreciate those acts of kindness so much! Congratulations on your recovery, you are an inspiration for me to keep fighting this.God bless.

[Scout8601]

Good for you!  I'm so proud of you for taking this step b/c I know how hard it it.  I was bulimic and anorexic for 27 years and it ruined everything, so I'm glad you are wanting to take care of this now and YOU CAN DO IT.  Journaling is good...it helps to get the feelings out.  I agree that you need a therapist to talk with because as much as you want your boyfriend to help and as much as he wants to help it's just not the same as talking with a professional who knows about bulimia. There are some resources out there for people with no insurance.  For instance, some private therapists work with a sliding fee scale...meaning they will see you for a reduced amount.  At one time, I only paid $25.00 for a session with a Ph.D.  Now, I pay $40.00 because I can afford more.  If you can't pay anything, you can check into clinics in your area.  Call the health department and see if they can direct you where to go.  You can also call a few therapists and get their advice and see if they can help you find something that you can afford.  Many churches also have councelling services.  Don't give up.  Help is out there it can just take some time to find it.  (actually took me about a year to find a good therapist)  It's worth the effort tho.  

My very best to you.  Remember you deserve a life free from this disorder and I believe you have the committment to do it.  I'll be thinking of you and saying a prayer for you if that's okay.