Partner's eating disorder - don't know how to help

[mary78]

Dear all,

I am so excited I've found this forum. My partner has eating disorders and I don't know what to do to help him out. I have tried everything I could think of but I sometimes think I'm making things worse. I hope you can help me out-

He is considerably overweight and besides the looks I am worried about potential health problems. He is still young but if he continues being overweight I am sure some obesity-related health issues will come up along the line.

He wants of course to lose weight but gets depressed even from thinking about it. I am trying to cook healthy food at home but then he'd go and buy a chocolate bar every afternoon on his way to work. We've talked about it (quite difficult btw, he gets annoyed with me and himself when talking about this) and he says he can't help it, that chocolate soothes him and just can't resist buying it. He then eats it and feels guilty about it. He doing this behind my back which makes things very complicated. I don't want to control him but if I don't say anything he just puts more and more weight on.

After a very good and filling dinner he is not yet satisfied. Even if he's full he misses sth and he has many times run down to the store to buy junk food. I don't know how to change his habits. I would consider myself a person that takes care of what I eat, trying to eat healthily but I can of course understand him (up to a point) as I as well have unhealthy cravings from time to time, who doesn't!

We thought of talking to a psychologist but it's quite expensive and we don't know if it's going to help at all.

Any tips? Any program/therapies we could try??

Many thanks in advance for your responses.

[LeftCoastChick]

Overeating is a little known ED, most folks think it's just bulemia or Anorexia, not so.
There is absolutely nothing you can do for him. Sometimes even doing what you are doing can make him get worse, of course you mean well. Like the old saying,"you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". It's very true with any addiction. Food is a full fledged addiction, though not talked about.  OverEaters Anon could help, so could therapy. Many folks emotionally eat, like myself (on top of being bulemic in remission). Once I started to address my depression with the help of a mood stabilizer I stopping bingeing quite so often. I still have hiccups, but no where near I did without psychiatric help.  He needs to make the first step and only him.

[Zoelula]

Hi Mary
My heart goes out to you because you love your partner and are anxious for his well-being. It is hard to be on the outside looking in when the problem is so hard to understand. What I want to observe, though, is that YOU are the one posting to this forum, not your partner. Unfortunately you can't do all the work for him. He has to be the one wanting help and seeking it out. Does he recognize this as a disorder or does he see it as just "a sweet tooth". I have nearly fifteen years recovery from an Eating Disorder and know that I had to reach a point where I was desperate, not so much to lose weight, as to no longer live with the insanity of my ED.

Having said all that: If he goes to a Psychologist, he needs to make sure it is one with experience with Eating Disorders; otherwise he can be in therapy for years without making any progress on the problem. Even better are programs that are specific for eating disorders. If money is a problem for him, (who isn't it a problem for these days!), another approach is Overeater's Anonymous or OA which is a free Twelve Step Program (like AA) which has meetings in most large towns or cities. Look in the phonebook under Overeater's Anonymous. Again, though, HE has to be the one to do this, otherwise it will probably not help all that much AND will be a part of the dynamic of your relationship in a negative way.