I understand now it's about control so I'm going to try and get away from this before I can't

[Bran_Bran]

WOW I understand know why loseing weight is so important to me. Since I I feel my being depressed is so out of control I need something to even out to make me  not feel so out of control. So it's the one thing I can control. But I realized tonight that if I keep clinging to weight for control, it's going to turn around and control me. So when I told myself I need to let go of loseing weight the first thing that pop'd "but I can't because if I do I'll have no control and I'll be hopeless and with out it I'll never be skinny or pretty" so it really made me realize that my weight is ready starting to control me. And since I realized that it because my depression is making me feel out of controle I realized instead of putting all my time and effort into loseing weight I should being putting my effort in to getting over my depression because once it's gone I won't even need weight.

So now I'm going to get serious and try and find myself some professional help and I'm going to ask the pastor I've been talking to help me to actually do this an not chicken out. Because if I don't do this now I'm going to end up being totally controlled by my weight. And my youth pastor said she doesn't want to see that happen that it would be sad. So for her and for me I'm taking control of my life while I still can befor it's to late to. I'm taking control by trying to give up what I've been calling control and since I know I can't do that cold turkey I'll do it in the way I can baby step by baby step.

[ParamedFlorena]

It IS tough to change the killer-beliefs. I still struggle with many of my own convictions. Five minutes of freedom from our own convictions in the morning becomes ten minutes, becomes 20 minutes, escalating to 40 minutes..... etc. It multiplies. It is an ongoing battle but it is a winning battle. Quick lost weight is quick gained worry.

Try to get into healthy exercising. Muscles weigh, but with gained muscles you also gain confidence ande self esteem. Now well.... We do get addicted to exercise too because of the endorfines but that is something entirely different than being addicted to weightloss. I can only recommend you to try. Ack, the joy of seeing a man standing in disbelief when you show him how strong you really are - there ain't nothing better.

I probably sound halfways nuts but where I started with my recovery from eating disorders was to get educated about fitness and exercise. I was obsessed to begin with but now I'm rather mellow.

The only thing that exercise can't do for you is to fetch the car-keys - but it gives you more power to look. It's nature's own antidepressant.

There is always going to be something in us that isn't satisfied about how we look or appear but it is then that we need to break through and say: "I'm going to be just the way that I am!"

ParamedFlorena

[Bran_Bran]

Well I still realize what I realized the other night but last night I found myself telling myself

"I'm so fat 9 pounds isn't going to be enough I don't care about those stupid weight charts. I don't care if it says I can't go any lower than 132 I'll go as low as I want I will keep going until I am skinny and beautiful because 9 pounds can't and won't be enough"

I still feel that way that I'm going to keep going until I'm happy. But I don't feel as fat today though I still qite fat.

It's really hard to keep stickig to what I realized the other night. I'm trying but finding it really hard!

[ParamedFlorena]

You are doing a great choice. I'd like to congratulate you on finding the answer you have found now. It's going to be your way out.
But, there is something about depression. It needs attention. It seems you have found great relief with the pastor. That is awesome. Perhaps you don't need to go a chemical way with antidepressants (allthough they can help initially).

My experience with antidepressants is that it helped until halfways into counseling. Then I went off even if people around me adviced me not to. When it comes to emotional healing, it is only ourselves we can trust when it comes to the next leap.

Good luck!
ParamedFlorena