Aa
lost 10 lbs
On August 6th I weighed 110. Today I weigh 100. How bad is that? I haven't got any responses from my last two post about finding help.
Thanks. I will. I have an appointment on sept 9th. My weight is dropping very fast. Ifeel aweful.
obviously you are not proud for weight loss and mindset/behaviors etc, so see a doctor about it.
I don't think that my email was going through to you so I guess I'll post my response instead. I didn't want to because it is pretty personal but I guess nobody knows me here.
In answer to your questions;
Question 1: Yes I have gone through treatment about 4 years ago. I was there for about 6 weeks. It cost me about 2,000 after insurence which we don't have. It was very helpful in helping me get on the right track with my meal plan. After that I had a therapist and a nutritionist for about a year. I stayed in recovery for a long time. Right now I can't afford a therapist or a nutritionist. That cost me over 200/mo at the time.
Question 2: Yes I do feel week. Some days are better than others. I actually ate more today than I usually do so I was able to do the full 5 miles almost non-stop running. I can't eat much. If I do It only ends in desaster. I have been bulimic for about 10years now off and on. I don't have to force myself to throw up. I just eat a normal meal and go to the restroom and it comes natural. This is something that I can't change right now. Every time I try I fail miserably. It's easier for me to eat very little and not be tempted. I acutally feel better when I eat little than when I eat normally and throw everything up.
Question3: I feel like I've accomplished something great when I loose weight. I know that's due to the need to control something. I have two beautiful boys which I love so this is a very bad thing.
Thought Process: Here it goes
I've had dieting issues since I was 12. My brother who was 1 year older than me was very controling. I think something must have happened to him to pervert his thinking and make him angry. I was scared to death of him and did everything he told me to do. He would do things like tell me to take my clothes off until he gave me permission to put them back on. He would tell me how fat, ugly, and stupid I was. I wasn't allowed to talk to certain friends and even my own cousin. He had a certain signal that he would do and I knew I had to be quiet. I completely submitted to him. It wasn't until I was probably 16 or 17 before I realized that I didn't have to let him control me. Ok so that's my brother and some of what happened; but that wasn't everything. My dad would use me for his pleasure time and time again almost to the point of sex (but not that far). I remember once I was sitting exactly where he had placed me with nothing but his tighty whities on. He began to become aroused (I felt it)and I realized what he was doing. I was humiliated and disgusted. I stopped massaging his chest and he begged me to continue. I was so embarrassed I didn't want him to know that I knew what he was doing. I made up excuses and told him that I had carpletunnel and could no longer give him massages. I was ashamed that it took years for me to realize what was going on. I remember when he gave me a kiss and I felt his tongue. Again I was so humiliated and I didn't want him to know that I realized what he was doing.
I was married when I finally processed all of this and I used my ED so that all I could feel was my physical body and not the emotional pain. I decided to talk to my mom and she called me a liar. We didn't talk for a long time. Finally we started to have a fairly decent relationship and her and my dad were back together. Our relationship was shallow and very superficial but to me it was better than nothing. Over the years I began to think that maybe I was a liar and none of the painful memories were really true.
I was already struggling with Ed due to financial difficulties and loss of control, but things didn't start to get really bad until the end of July. Mycousin calls because she is dealing with some of the same memories. She had never before told me that my dad had done anything to her. So here I am once again with the reality of what happened. I can't just ignore everything. I love my parents and don't want to bring everything up again and ruin the relationship that we have. Last Sunday we played golf together and I had a blast with them. Yesterday I had lunch with my mom and went shopping at the mall. It feels good to have a mom. My boys are finally getting to know their Mimi and Pawpaw. I don't want to mess that up by bringing up something that happened 10 years ago. My dad doesn't drink any more and has really changed. Besides, I don't blame them for Ed. That is my fault and my problem, not theirs.
I really hate Ed but at the same time I love it. I feel fat yet skinny. It is very confusing and terrifying. I would willingly go through treatment again if we had the money. I feel so hopeless.
In answer to your questions;
Question 1: Yes I have gone through treatment about 4 years ago. I was there for about 6 weeks. It cost me about 2,000 after insurence which we don't have. It was very helpful in helping me get on the right track with my meal plan. After that I had a therapist and a nutritionist for about a year. I stayed in recovery for a long time. Right now I can't afford a therapist or a nutritionist. That cost me over 200/mo at the time.
Question 2: Yes I do feel week. Some days are better than others. I actually ate more today than I usually do so I was able to do the full 5 miles almost non-stop running. I can't eat much. If I do It only ends in desaster. I have been bulimic for about 10years now off and on. I don't have to force myself to throw up. I just eat a normal meal and go to the restroom and it comes natural. This is something that I can't change right now. Every time I try I fail miserably. It's easier for me to eat very little and not be tempted. I acutally feel better when I eat little than when I eat normally and throw everything up.
Question3: I feel like I've accomplished something great when I loose weight. I know that's due to the need to control something. I have two beautiful boys which I love so this is a very bad thing.
Thought Process: Here it goes
I've had dieting issues since I was 12. My brother who was 1 year older than me was very controling. I think something must have happened to him to pervert his thinking and make him angry. I was scared to death of him and did everything he told me to do. He would do things like tell me to take my clothes off until he gave me permission to put them back on. He would tell me how fat, ugly, and stupid I was. I wasn't allowed to talk to certain friends and even my own cousin. He had a certain signal that he would do and I knew I had to be quiet. I completely submitted to him. It wasn't until I was probably 16 or 17 before I realized that I didn't have to let him control me. Ok so that's my brother and some of what happened; but that wasn't everything. My dad would use me for his pleasure time and time again almost to the point of sex (but not that far). I remember once I was sitting exactly where he had placed me with nothing but his tighty whities on. He began to become aroused (I felt it)and I realized what he was doing. I was humiliated and disgusted. I stopped massaging his chest and he begged me to continue. I was so embarrassed I didn't want him to know that I knew what he was doing. I made up excuses and told him that I had carpletunnel and could no longer give him massages. I was ashamed that it took years for me to realize what was going on. I remember when he gave me a kiss and I felt his tongue. Again I was so humiliated and I didn't want him to know that I realized what he was doing.
I was married when I finally processed all of this and I used my ED so that all I could feel was my physical body and not the emotional pain. I decided to talk to my mom and she called me a liar. We didn't talk for a long time. Finally we started to have a fairly decent relationship and her and my dad were back together. Our relationship was shallow and very superficial but to me it was better than nothing. Over the years I began to think that maybe I was a liar and none of the painful memories were really true.
I was already struggling with Ed due to financial difficulties and loss of control, but things didn't start to get really bad until the end of July. Mycousin calls because she is dealing with some of the same memories. She had never before told me that my dad had done anything to her. So here I am once again with the reality of what happened. I can't just ignore everything. I love my parents and don't want to bring everything up again and ruin the relationship that we have. Last Sunday we played golf together and I had a blast with them. Yesterday I had lunch with my mom and went shopping at the mall. It feels good to have a mom. My boys are finally getting to know their Mimi and Pawpaw. I don't want to mess that up by bringing up something that happened 10 years ago. My dad doesn't drink any more and has really changed. Besides, I don't blame them for Ed. That is my fault and my problem, not theirs.
I really hate Ed but at the same time I love it. I feel fat yet skinny. It is very confusing and terrifying. I would willingly go through treatment again if we had the money. I feel so hopeless.
Well there is a problem for sure. Do you have a therapist? Have you ever been in treatment before?
You are running off way more calories then you consume a day. Do you feel weak?
Are you trying to lose more weight?
You are very under weight for someone your height. I need to find out more about your thought process to tell you what I think you should do. Just know that you are not alone.
You are running off way more calories then you consume a day. Do you feel weak?
Are you trying to lose more weight?
You are very under weight for someone your height. I need to find out more about your thought process to tell you what I think you should do. Just know that you are not alone.
I'm 5'4"
today I had
breakfast: 1/2 poptart with coffee
lunch: 1 apple 1 weightwatchers string cheese
dinner: 1 apple
and I run 5-7 miles/day (about 4-6 days/week)
today I had
breakfast: 1/2 poptart with coffee
lunch: 1 apple 1 weightwatchers string cheese
dinner: 1 apple
and I run 5-7 miles/day (about 4-6 days/week)
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