Fatigue

[Jaquta]

I'm feeling exhausted all the time and don't know what's causing it.
I've been feeling more fatigued since significantly decreasing my caffeine intake.  I have however started replacing the caffeine with food.
I was told that some people can use caffeine as a stealth antidepressant.
My caffeine intake did increase early last year after one psychiatrist said to decrease it (and stop using asthma meds which I needed and to take 30 mg of buspirone because 10 or 20 mg was said to be sub-clinical).
I was actually extremely tired while taking buspirone too.  That's one reason why I stopped taking it.

Without the caffeine my sleep has improved although it is still disturbed.  Given the opportunity I would sleep 10+ hours every night.

How long should it take to withdraw from caffeine?  (I was drinking 7+ litres a day.  Now I'm drinking 1 litre of caffeinated, 1.5 l of water and the rest decaf.  Approximately 4 l.  It's already been one week).

I don't think the fatigue is due to radiation.  I had a three-month surgical out-patients appointment last week and due to circumstances refuse any more follow-up care.

Maybe this is just a depressive transference??  I'm tired of everything.  
I saw my new T today and because I told him I felt unsafe talking to him he said he couldn't be my T although he also said he was the most qualified to deal with my issues.  Because that was the only option I have been given he said he would write up a contract.  If one session doesn't contain then I'm going to split stuff by talking to my GP (my last T told me that whatever I do to keep seeing him) and to use this site and these forums.
The mhs now say my GP has to initiate an independent review (because they are too frugal).  My GP said he wants them to see me as I am today.  Angry and irritable.  Some is justified, some isn't.

I just wanted to identify the source of my tiredness because its becoming very debilitating.

J

[Jaquta]

This is confusing.  And it's been another stressful day.
Mum is grumpy and she is threatening to leave dad again.  They're both hopeless.

If I'm not taking responsibility, am I still feeling damaged?
Not consciously.  This breast stuff is still irking a bit.  I think that is more about relationships though (with the surgeon, all the black registrars, being touched unnecessarily (why am I upset about a shoulder massage when it felt good?  Last time I looked my breasts and glands weren't in my shoulders).  Maybe it is about a lack of assertiveness on my part which then leaves me feeling vulnerable.
I'm viewing breasts in terms of amputations too so that's not all that helpful.

My old T gave me some cards with stuff on them before she left.
One has possible feelings prior to a binge.  Feelings include: overwhelmed, hopeless, helpless, anxious, hurt, frustration, out of control, scared, loss, anger.
When have I felt this before?  Who have I felt this about?  What does it feel like?  E.g., powerless

I ate a whole 150 g packet of potato chips on the way home from town today.  I bought a newspaper and no food at the supermarket (mainly because I was so overwhelmed and indecisive) but then stopped off at a store and bought the chips.  In the scope of a binge that's nothing but that is still 50g of fat and an awful lot of empty calories.

Possible feelings after a binge: anger, disgust, overwhelmed, hopeless.

I guess this was summed up nicely in the Shrink yourself newsletter.  
"Food, especially carbohydrates and sweets, can give us a dose of calm that our adrenal glands no longer know how to create.  Therefore, we become physically dependent on the calm that food can provide."

The other card said:
1)  Acknowledge a feeling
2)  Identify the feeling
3)  What's the feeling about?  Triangle of relating.  Person, situation, experience.
child self: intense, reacts (past), I need
adult self: calm, responds (now), I want/ would like
What, when, where, who, how?
I feel
4)  Validate the feeling (permission).  It's OK to feel x, y, z.
5)  Practical intervention.  [This is the step I get stuck on.  I read that you suggest coming up with three alternatives to the behavior.  Why didn't I think of this the second time I stopped?]
6)  Integration
7)  Growth

I'm tired.  It's been another emotionally draining day.  Physically I felt better (maybe a 1/ 10 instead of a 0/ 10).  I still feel shattered though.  Serves me right for eating those damn chips.  :(  :(

Maybe I should write a journal instead of talking to myself?

J

[Jaquta]

Keep posting??  I feel like I've harassed you enough.  Plus I started posting everywhere else (compulsive behaviors, weight loss and healthy lifestyle, etc).  My loyalty lies here though and this is where I feel I get the most benefit.
I don't know why I let you under my defenses.  Perhaps because I feel you listen and hear (and care -on some level).  Or perhaps because you're just too good at what you do?

I think there're a lot of negative emotions (and perhaps some positive ones too) affecting my ability to take responsibility and make some of the decisions I need too.

I feel guilty and indebted to others because of issues I have or have had.

You mentioned not needing to be afraid of thoughts, feelings and memories, but ...
and there is a big but there.  I don't want to hurt others, or more specifically, hurt my family.  But they are feelings too ...

Absorbing the stress from their chaos isn't helping anyone, is it?

I'm barely coping with my issues without adding theirs to the mix as well.

My parents have made a lot of sacrifices for my brothers and sisters and I and it seems only fair that I repay them in kind too.
It's frustrating that they've never set limits or boundaries (except around my mh issues).  It makes setting limits with them ... difficult.  Plus they rarely respect them.

I wish I were able to see what I write objectively.  I'm so caught up in my own mess I'm not really seeing what's going on.

I need to go help paint the kitchen and dining room.  The kitchen is being installed next Tuesday.  Maybe with some structure there it will help with the binge eating.

Thanks again for your time and patience.  I hope you're not too inundated with pressures from Michael Jackson's death.  I saw the UCLA Medical Centre mentioned in the news.

J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Stick to the responsibility issue...make your life work...keep that mantra uppermost..and keep posting.

[Jaquta]

I think I could have worms.  Not 100% sure.

J

[Jaquta]

I hope you enjoyed your break and that you and your family, etc are OK.

I wasn't going to post because I'm angry with everyone but there goes.  I didn't expect you to be available to answer questions.  My GP has encouraged me to post (although I haven't disclosed the site I use).
He said he was going to phone after he had spoken to the specialist (the one lined up to do the review).

J