I'm kind of looking for answers as my issue may be pretty rare.
I'm psychological disabled. Schizophrenic. Highly depressive. I've been taking different antidepressants for the past 15 years; I'm 33. I've been on Zoloft since April and been tampering since June.
1st tampering: my eyes felt a bit... Odd. Randomly blurry without actually being blurry. It was impossible to see anything from up close, like I couldn't look at my own armpits: it hurt and I couldn't focus.
I became distressed as I had ongoing positional vertigo issues since March which are considered "in my head", ergo psychosomatic (I AM schizophrenic after all). Eye movements seem to go pair in pair with dizziness, and I'd love my eyes all around quite often to check if anything was wrong.
I think I might have noticed a couple times my left eye moving by itself. Sometimes they'd also not move together. I'd see that shooting a video of myself with my phone.
2nd tampering in October: My eyes were an obsession. I eventually forced them REALLY HARD on the left and triggered a nystagmus. It freaked me out. I did it again and again AND AGAIN. It hurt a lot. My left peripheral vision had seemed to worsen a little but not many much, but it did get worse at that point.
-> Then in chronological order: a week later I started to see double in my extreme left gaze. Freaked out I decided to do trigger it again and agaaaain and the more I'd do it the more it'd hurt. A LOT. I'd do it all day, every 10mn.
-> My left gaze diplopia eventually worsened a bit after I pushed my eyes so far to the left I got my nystagmus and cried from pain.
-> I already had some weak diplopia to the right but barely noticeable. Well after I had hurt and worsened my previous diplopia.... I decided to keep on going. It hurt. A lot. And I started to see double in my extreme right side too.
I've got a small ptosis on my left eye since... Well since I was at least 17. It has worsened a but doesn't get in the way. Worse when tired of course.
So now I'm left with binocular horizontal and bilateral diplopia. Internet tells me it's a brain tumor or trauma... But I know the way the internet goes.
I'm being told I actually mutilated myself in a very specific way, one that isn't done by many people. My psychiatrist told me that I just hurt my eye muscles and I may never get my regular vision back, and I should just look straight ahead for the moment and relax my eyes.
Can you actually induce diplopia like that? Is this self-mutilation? Would that be consider an eye trauma?
Because I'm terrified of doctors but sure I have a brain tumor.
There IS a history of eye problems in my family (my mother and brother have got left gaze diplopia too). I also have astigmatism and am nearsighted. I think I already had some small degree of left gaze diplopia, not sure.