You WILL think I am crazy. I swore I'd never go on one of these blogs, yet here I am. This is why. 13 years ago my DH and I realized we needed help to concieve. Long and short, it was male factor, I was 29, so I wasn't worried at all - especially being in the medical field I had faith. Started right off with ICSI & AH. I had 10 eggs but none of them fertilized well at all. (Hmmmmm, I thought - weird.) Transferred 4 poor looking embs. Negative. Round two, fewer eggs but better looking embs. Put in 4 - nothing. Third time, same. Fourth time 5 embs, decent looking - (rated 2, each) and 4 of the five implanted. These days implanting that many is really frowned upon, but in 1999 things were an experiment.
So, at 11 weeks, of the four, we lost one, which, honestly, because of my medical background gave me a bit of a sense of relief. Don't read that wrong - I just know that trips have a better chance of survival and fewer chances of abnormalities. I carried to 30.5 weeks and we have beautiful, healthy wonderfully big kids. They are ggg's and at 12 one is 5'8 tall, the other two not far behind!
Here's the kicker... when the trips were 7 months old and I was still breast-feeding i was having bouts of nausea. I worked in the hospital 1 half day a week to just have some adult time and keep my skills up as much as possible. I ran into the RE one day and was mentioning some of the symptoms I was having and he immediately gave me a urine pregnancy test. I actually laughed right then and there. He sternly looked and me and said "go pee." I couldn't speak - I walked out, straight faced and handed him the stick that read I was pregnant. Once I got myself together I told him we deserved a refund because we weren't as bad off as they had said to which he quickly said "No, you were on the buy three get one free program!". It was funny, but jeeze...
Fastforward... I hesitate greatly in writing this because I know first hand what it feels like to be frightened so badly that you'll never be able to create a baby with your spouse. I, in no way want to sound greedy or ungrateful. Being a mother to my four children (the fourth was a boy 17 months younger than the girls - I don't have the heart to tell him he's not a quad! lol, but from just about four months after his birth I have had such an overwhelming desire to have another child. I don't think I even need to express or explain this to anyone who is on this... it's a feeling that is there and until - for some reason - it goes away - it's there in spades.
Ok, I'll try to wrap it up so I can get some feedback. For Five years, since we had our son without assistance, we decided to take our chances and see if we could hit the royal flush again. Nope. So, recently we made our appointment to go to the same clinic (one of the best in No. California) and do the same exact thing - IVF, ICSI, hatching. I've never been a multiple egg producer when stimulated, so it was no surprise when there were only 3. However, they were all grade 1, so that was a pleasant surprise! They fertilized beautifully and I almost felt young again - from an ovary standpoint! :) We put two in on the fourth of July. d6p3dt (is that acronym right?) I had very minimal red blood one time after using the bathroom. It was right at the point when implantation bleed would occur, so I wasn't that worried as that happened last time the same way. Now I'm on day 8 post 3 day transfer and of course, am cheating with hpts and they are all negative. It's starting to freak me out because last time when I took the hpts they were positive. I realize the with three babies and three placentas there is going to be a higher Hcg rate, so I'm probably being ridiculous, but I read the Clear Blue hpt has a higher sensitivity rate and I'm getting "not pregnant" on those too. My first blood draw is Saturday and second is Monday. It just seems like it's getting so close that I'd start to register if I was pregnant.
I feel kind of silly now after writing all of this... They didn't have these sites when I did this over a decade ago..
Just so that I say it... if it is not meant to be that our family have another baby, I feel so incredibly grateful for the special and precious husband and children that I do have. I'm so fortunate, I just have no greater joy than to be a mother and all of the amazing blessings that they bring to my life and the life of each other - our entire family for that matter. I know it must sound nuts to want to have a 5th child, but I truly ache for it. Any suggestions on how I can get through this? Please feel free to be frank. Tell me to just chill out and that I'm being ridiculous if that's what it seems.