wannabepregnantyesterday

[wannabepregnantyesterday]

I need a shoulder to cry on...has anyone seen those little toy footballs; not the big ones, the toy ones.  Well, I had a dermoid cyst the size of one of those things taken out in May, along with the ovary it came off of.  We recently started ttc again.  I found out after peeing on an ovulation test when to do it, and it WORKED!  It took my to light pink lines and a digital "pregnant" to convince me.  I had been sleeping on my back because I was paranoid about implantation, but my boobs were sore, especially my left one, like I slept wrong.  Then I noticed it was sort of swollen and heavy in the shower.  I decided to tell my husband on Christmas...I bought a pacifier for his present, and I was going out a big sister book and wrap it up for our 5-year-old daughter.    On Christmas Eve, right after I called to put the damn book on hold, I saw blood in my pants...like my period.  I had been taking my Basal Body Temperature, and it hadn't been real high that morning, but it hadn't dropped to normal, either (it does that for your period).  Christmas morning, it was back down to 97.3 - a normal, not pregnant temperature for me.  And my boobs started getting baggy again.  I went in for my first supposedly prenatal appointment for this time, and an ultrasound showed my uterus was it's normal size (it enlarges after implantation) and there was no baby to be seen and no heartbeat to listen to.  She called me the next morning to tell me my blood test showed my hcg levels to be 4...not pregnant.  SIGH.  Sob.  

[SDScientist]

Don't think that anything you did affected this.  I have talked to a few REs at this stage of my infertility game and they have said that if an embryo wants to implant and grow there is not a whole lot you can do to stop it contrary to popular belief and advice.  Most of the "should nots" are precautionary b/c no one really knows.  Now I am not saying go out and lift a bunch of 50 lbs boxes, but I really don't think you did anything to cause this.   I am not sure if there was anything that would have been an idication of an impending m/c and there really is no way to know how the next pregnancy will turn out but you never know until you get there and I am sure you will find out soon. :)   Also, don't listen to the "its normal" if you body and mind are telling you it is not.  Women's intuition is called that for a reason.  We generally know what's going on with our bodies.  
I am a big believer in the grieving process.  You had a + test, you were pregnant and now your not.  You deserve to grieve this loss.  Don't feel like you deserve anything less.  You have to take care of you and do what feels right to you.  I wish you well.

[rxyrxx919]

I am so sorry!  I know how hard it is!  I also have a 8 year old daughter who would love nothing else but to be a big sister and every month something fails it hurts!  I haven't went through a miscarriage but ever since we have been going thru the process of TTC I haven't felt like myself either!  Every month I am so pre-occupied on the thoughts of if I'm pg or not...  it's rough but there are so many success stories that I'm hopeful all of us will have our own one day!  Good luck with your next try! =)

[wannabepregnantyesterday]

Sorry guys - I really put up a long post, huh?

[wannabepregnantyesterday]

Thanx, SDScientist!  It almost seems like whoever was (or wasn't yet) inside me was nothing to the medical community.  It was 19-21 days since conception (a pee test told me on the 2nd that I would ovulate soon), so they say it was 5 weeks.  The nice thing is the midwife I chose tried to be sympathetic when she told me on the phone I'm not pregnant.  Even though I have one living daughter (who I'm very grateful for), I feel sort of like the mother of two.  I think that the youngest is better, happier, healthier, with God than with me, or I wouldn't have miscarried...and I'm glad for it, but I also feel guilty...was it because of something (of the many things) I did that I know I probably shouldn't have a the time (straining my back, lifting something HEAVY, extracting drops of milk-pure curiosity- when I realized my breast tenderness was from pregnancy.  My husband says I think about it too much - I had a baby dream that I don't remember (talk about contradicting myself hehe), but how can I not?  I also had my first really abnormal period right before we concieved.  My normal period ended, and then almost right away I had another, shorter period.  And then I had some spotting possibly when implantation occured, and professionals told me it was normal in early pregnancy, but I'm not sure it's normal for ME...I didn't have any spotting at all with my daughter.  Could it have been a signal of what was to come?  Was it a mistake to be so impatient as to get pregnant right after a "double period"?  Who's to say I won't miscarry again the next time we concieve (yes you read right).  I'm hurting, I don't feel quite like myself, almost like I've lost a child, even though I never met him/her face to face, and I almost feel expected to go on with life as if nothing's happened...especially since I only told my husband and midwife.  But it's not over...hopefully I'll have some good news to share in the future.
By the way, I'm sorry about the loss of your embryos.  I'm not too concerned about my ovary...not right now anyway.  At the very least, I know I'm capable of getting pregnant.  Now I've got to stay pregnant.  Who knows, maybe I'll end up like your mom (o my goodness, I'm not sure about 4 though!)  Hehehe.

Thanx for putting up with all this bla bla bla bla.

[SDScientist]

Oh sweety I am sorry.  I can't say I know how you are feeling since I have never been pregnant, but I am sorry for your loss especially at Christmas time.  I can say that when my IVFs have failed I have grieved b/c I have pictures of my embryos, I know they were alive in my uterus at some point and then they died.  Grieve your loss and  then try again (if it were only done as simply as it is said...sigh).  My mom lost one ovary when she was 19 and got pregnant 4 times quite easily, so if the one ovary is a concern, myself and my siblings are living proof that it doesn't necessary affect fertility.

[scienceteacher79]

I am so sorry! Don't get too discouraged - I know that is easier said than done. I have an 8 year old daughter and I fantasize about ways to tell her she is going to be a big sis too. Please hang in there and keep trying. We are all along for the ride right there with you!! HUGS!