Do you feel like life is playing games with you??

[o_g]

I know the thread header sounds cheesy. But, does anyome feel that way? "Everything hahppens at the right time when it is supposed to happen". I am not religious. Have been a decent fellow all my life but dont wrong things every now and then for climbing up the corporate ladder (well, I wouldn't consider them wrong if I were healthy). When I was a kid and an adoloscent I had fantasies about my female cousins and aunts (i know sick).

Moreover, I tried to be fair all my life pending some irrational fears and insecurities which made me act in a mean way. Probably, out of immaturity.

Today is the eve of 1 yr anniversary of the day on which I think I got infected but I still do not have a cofirmatory result. I know how much pain I am going to bring to my family.

I hate myself. I hate my lapse of judgement. On march 19 2005, 5 am I turned away from the pro and was heading to my room and don't know what stuck me and returned to her room. Some unknown powers were sending me a message/signal, dont do it but i still went ahead. Obvioulsy, your luck can go that far. My condom broke for 30 secs, I got herpes for sure and most probably hiv as there is nothing else that can cause what i have been through and going through.

I have been on this forum for almost a yr and just wanted to share my emotions. I know for some more logical folks they may sound crazy but getting hiv is crazy and out of the norm...

In conclusion - "When the time comes, it really comes". I hate looking at my reflection in the mirror.

[sparkeler]

Why do you want to waiste any more precious moments?  Do you really want to look back and summarize your life has being one big hiv obsessed nightmare when in fact you DONT have it. Either get tested or forget about.

[Johnnycomelate?]

Hey o g,

If you haven't seen it yet, there's a post on "thebody.com", that will help.  I was about to write to Dr. Bob again, but I searched the archives and BINGO, my question was answered.  I was going to ask about the low lymphocytes, high neutrophils thing.  I know you and I have this in common, so I thought I'd give you the info.  In the search box, just type in low lymphocytes.  Two posts come up.  Funny thing is the first one is an old one from me, but the second is a recent post from an asian guy.  It pretty much matches our circumstance.  I hope it helps.  You know how long I've been stressed about this and Dr. Bob's answer really helped me. Take care

[Indian_Male]

Why are you troubling yourself?????
Please think logically. You have had tests till 9 months then wats haunting. Man, life is precisous don't do injustice with it. You have all the rights to enjoy every bit of it.
I have a protected one time encounter 2 and half months ago with a sex worker and I have had PCR and antibody test at 50 and 60 days. I still am worried for reasons unknown to me. But I am sure protected is protected which my mind is not accepting. So, I have decided to go by the test guidelines.
Now look at it this way if you were to be married would you have done that???probably not. So, I think its quits common guys seek out pleasures outside. We did the same. Whats wrong in that??????
Ok you were scared of cathing an infection. But you have done all the tests. You cannot more negatives than this.
I don't know how much the mental counsellor will be of help but since everybody says that there must be a way out. So visit a counsellor. I am really feeling bad that you are still thinking about the incident...................

[WorriedT]

Hi o_g. I hate to tell you this, but your issues have nothing to do with HIV as your 12 week negative confirms. They are much more to do with guilt - even a small part of your story shows intense guilt about sex, thus what you say about your cousins and aunts. This guilt is feeding anxiety and the anxiety is giving you severe physical symptoms. Go and see a counsellor. I would almost bet my house that within 3 months, you may well have forgotten about HIV altogether.

[xworriedx]

YOU DONT HAVE HIV NOW WAY NO HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

[peekawho]

This just reads as a classic sex/guilt/punishment scenario.  I'm so sorry you have wasted the last year feeling this way.  It seems there will never be a way to satisfy you that you don't have HIV, doesn't it?  You must believe you have it. b/c you MUST be punished.  

How sad.  I feel so sorry you've spent a year feeling this way unecessarily.  

[kimoz]

I do understand how you feel though. Signs, and symptoms, and lingering symptoms etc I have them all too.
Seriously you should feel confident about your 12 weeks negative result though. There's just no way you would fall off your bed and die tomorrow right?

[o_g]

I had 6 negative tests including PCR's till 12 weeks. Dumbo, for normal circumstances they are enough. However, after 12 weeks I was not able to get tested again as my work base shifted to europe. I have been europe for last 9 months living in fear. But, it is not normal for a person to not have been infected and have burning hands and feet for a year, white spots in throat which can be scraped(look like lesions), facial spasms and nerve twitching on 1 side of face, aching feet, penis pain, rash on ass(hygene not a reason for sure :- ( ) (not to mention million other things in the initial period). I for sure had an infection as my WBC was very high and hepes came back positive. Can you imagine only 30 seconds of condom break in hetero sex. So much so for it being low risk exposure.

But, again, a person has to be super unlucky to pick it up in 1st place from such low risk exposure. So when the luck is so screwed up, it shouldn't be further surprise that someone indeed picks it up and test negative to 12 weeks.
Dr. Bob in one of his post said that around 600 people die in US from falling off the bed each year. The number of people turning positive after testing negative at 12 weeks is much lesser that that. In other words, he meant, that chances of dying from falling of the bed while sleeping are more than being infected with hiv and testing neg at 84 days. But, people, do die from falling of the bed.

So, somehow, I have made myself to believe that the extra moolah I am making  working out of the country is for me to pay off my extended medical bills which are shortly going to be coming up. There's always reasons for things to happen and probably that's why I never got a chance to get a final tests as I would have been too shattered to go about making money which will be much needed for future medical expenses as I will be so sick to work..
Things somehow have their own way of working.

Thanks for letting me know about how other guys feel bout their aunts and cousins. It does lift a weight off me knowing it is normal.

I know I sound crazy but trust me I feel my horror story written straight in hell. The fears(real) keep adding up to confirm the worst.

[dumbo]

Geez, I thought I had issues...I am glad others do too.

I am unclear on what your situation is.  You have waited a year to get tested?  Why?  Just do it...sheesh...you're worse than Sacred UK GIRL.

Oh, and P.S.  ...........alot of guys have had fantasies about their aunts and cousins (female) ....me included.