Everything will be okay.

[Kela03]

This isn't a question or nothing. I've been worried sick about having HIV for months. I couldn't sleep at night & I constantly looked up symptoms . It took over my life and I didn't know what to do. This has been going on since August. At first I prayed a lot. I felt so idiotic & I beat myself up for months. I decided that I'd already had it, & I gave up. That's when everything that made me think I had it started. I developed wart like bumps on my hand. Next were the bumps that appeared on my chest. No symptoms after I did it. I didn't get the flu two weeks later & all the other symptoms they said you'd get. Depression settled in. I was ashamed of my body & I struggled to tell my boyfriend. Basically, everything is a symptom. I only had sex with one person before my boyfriend. And he was nothing. Barely knew him, just wanted to be cool & lose my virginity because everyone else was. It was high risk, no condom. Anal sex as well as vaginal sex. I went through the worst depression. I tried to kill myself. I was ashamed of myself. I got close to God, & then I lost him again. Every thing or every change that happened in my body put me at full alarm. This had went on for long enough. My clinic wouldn't test me because it wasn't allowed and I was too scared, anyway. I was scared tonight. I finally ordered an oraquick test. Expensive for a one time thing but worth every penny in my case. I was tired of being mad at everyone around me & constantly worried. I thought about a lot. I thought about being alone, I thought of myself giving it to someone & I thought about the high costs of the medication & questioned if I'd ever be able to have children. I was too scared to risk my child contacting anything. Even though there's medication for it. I thought about how different my life was. My test was negative. I broke down crying. I cried & cried & cried. I had looked up so much, the negative stigmas about it, how heartless people could be when it came to this disease. I am blessed. No one can tell me there's not a god because I prayed. I advise all of you, if you're truly worried, to get tested. I still have to get a blood test but I'm praying for that too. And I'm praying for everyone going through what I went through or worse. Please get tested. I know it's hard and I know it's scary, but it's the best for you. My results were negative & I still want to be sure. Even if I don't have it, I promised that if I lived through this id share my story. And do not give up hope, even if you're positive. The medicine is costly but there's help all around, please just find it. People can live a normal life span now. Have healthy children. Please protect yourselves. One person is not worth a disease that lasts a lifetime. You're the only one who's going to take care of yourself and love yourself. Mistakes happen. If you think you've been exposed, please start pre exposure meds as soon as possible. I think that's what they're called. I want to help everyone & prevent people from feeling the way I did. I promised myself I would. I'm praying for everyone struggling with this disease. We can make it :) and maybe one day it'll all be over with. Just be careful with who you trust. Your body is sacred. None of us are prefect. We make mistakes. But the most important thing to do is take care of yourself. Praying for all of you. Love yourself and take care you all.

[kirtik]

Yes. Thanxx for sharing your thoughts..I also dare to tepid  test exposure 20years ago..and it was NAGATIVE..I Was so worried..and some relax.

[Ftworthstress76137]

Kind thoughts. Thks