Aa
Regardless of outcome - I screwed up.
When I was younger (I'm 43 now), I said that I'd never do anything that was so consciously stupid as to put my life in jeopardy; afterall, life is so short and valuable already - why would I risk losing it too soon. I never smoked because the results were too obvious. With a couple of questionable exceptions, I didn't drink too much before getting behind the wheel. Never took drugs. And drove relatively responsibly. I now have a wife and son that I can honestly say that I love more than I love myself. My parents are still with me despite my father having recently battled cancer.
Six weeks ago, after a very stressful summer and weeks of tension headaches etc., I decided to have a massage to get a break from the way that I was feeling. Not a deep rub-down - just a relaxing, "I need a break", soft hands by a female kind of massage. I called the registered massage therapy place by my house but they had no openings that day. So I googled from my Blackberry for somewhere close to where I happened to be at that point of the day and one came up not too far away. The picture was of a busty asian girl and I thought "Well, if I'm getting a massage, she might as well be attractive.". When I got there, she looked nothing like the picture and immediately started trying to undress me. I said that she was not the girl in the ad and that I only wanted a massage. She sent me to another place right around the corner where she said the girl was nore like the picture. At this point, my better judgement said to get in my car and just go home. But I had come this far and convinced myself that I would go to the other girl and everything would be fine. I got there and saw thatsee too was not the girl in the ad but said that I just wanted to have a massage and relax. She said OK and I undressed and layed face down. After about 15 or 20 minutes, I was feeling somewhat "destressed" and a bit sleepy (with the exception that I was worried about my wallet) when she asked me to roll over. I did and the massage continued for probably another 15 minutes. I was comfotably dozy when I felt something that, although felt warm and good, caused me to sit up, collect my thoughts about what was actually taking place and pull away. I wiped myself off, got dressed and am not even sure if I payed her or not as I knew what had just taken place was not what |I wanted for myself. I went home and told my wife. Unfortunately, I found that I developed a sore rash along my circumcision scar that stayed red and sore for several days after. Begin the worrying.
That was about 5 weeks ago and the only reason that I want to share this is because even though I didn't have any intention on any sexual interraction that day (except with my wife of course), I still made a very irresponsible choice that has, if nothing else, resulted in more fear, guilt, anxiety, sleeplessness and sadness than I have ever known in my life. I will get tested next week with a rapid test despite being reassured by both doctors and those on this forum that I have no risk.
Was it worth it? No. Will I ever allow myself to make such a stupid choice again? I promise never.
That's the point of this post. Just to tell those that are on this forum that while I can't judge because I'm here too, what I can say is that I give you, myself and those that I love my word that I will not ever find myself on here again with the feelings that I have now.
For the rest of you that happen to see this, I'm sure most of you are feeling the same thing as I am, but I want to implore you to REMEMBER these feelings the next time you have a choice to make. Make the right one, make the safe one and don't ever put yourself in the position of having to say the 2 worst words in the english language ... "IF ONLY".
Six weeks ago, after a very stressful summer and weeks of tension headaches etc., I decided to have a massage to get a break from the way that I was feeling. Not a deep rub-down - just a relaxing, "I need a break", soft hands by a female kind of massage. I called the registered massage therapy place by my house but they had no openings that day. So I googled from my Blackberry for somewhere close to where I happened to be at that point of the day and one came up not too far away. The picture was of a busty asian girl and I thought "Well, if I'm getting a massage, she might as well be attractive.". When I got there, she looked nothing like the picture and immediately started trying to undress me. I said that she was not the girl in the ad and that I only wanted a massage. She sent me to another place right around the corner where she said the girl was nore like the picture. At this point, my better judgement said to get in my car and just go home. But I had come this far and convinced myself that I would go to the other girl and everything would be fine. I got there and saw thatsee too was not the girl in the ad but said that I just wanted to have a massage and relax. She said OK and I undressed and layed face down. After about 15 or 20 minutes, I was feeling somewhat "destressed" and a bit sleepy (with the exception that I was worried about my wallet) when she asked me to roll over. I did and the massage continued for probably another 15 minutes. I was comfotably dozy when I felt something that, although felt warm and good, caused me to sit up, collect my thoughts about what was actually taking place and pull away. I wiped myself off, got dressed and am not even sure if I payed her or not as I knew what had just taken place was not what |I wanted for myself. I went home and told my wife. Unfortunately, I found that I developed a sore rash along my circumcision scar that stayed red and sore for several days after. Begin the worrying.
That was about 5 weeks ago and the only reason that I want to share this is because even though I didn't have any intention on any sexual interraction that day (except with my wife of course), I still made a very irresponsible choice that has, if nothing else, resulted in more fear, guilt, anxiety, sleeplessness and sadness than I have ever known in my life. I will get tested next week with a rapid test despite being reassured by both doctors and those on this forum that I have no risk.
Was it worth it? No. Will I ever allow myself to make such a stupid choice again? I promise never.
That's the point of this post. Just to tell those that are on this forum that while I can't judge because I'm here too, what I can say is that I give you, myself and those that I love my word that I will not ever find myself on here again with the feelings that I have now.
For the rest of you that happen to see this, I'm sure most of you are feeling the same thing as I am, but I want to implore you to REMEMBER these feelings the next time you have a choice to make. Make the right one, make the safe one and don't ever put yourself in the position of having to say the 2 worst words in the english language ... "IF ONLY".
So I understand. Anybody on here could have been me or friends of mine over the years.
``There but for the grace of God go I" is my point. I don`t ever want to find myself on here with anything more significant risk-wise. One time regardless of risk level is enough to learn my lesson.
``There but for the grace of God go I" is my point. I don`t ever want to find myself on here with anything more significant risk-wise. One time regardless of risk level is enough to learn my lesson.
The brief oral and unkown rash - if it was there before But I understand that it's virtually zero. More to make the point that I never want to put myself in this position again - especially with a more significant risk. Human nature says it's terrifying when there's nothing to worry about ... I wanted to remind others to make sure that they remember these feelings the next time. If I were single (gay or straight), I'd make sure I remembered these feelings if I had to put tattoo them right on my unit. ;)
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