From Joy to Depair in Two Days

[eureka254]

Two days ago I was elated to receive and share the news about my husband's undetected status 4-weeks post 139 weeks of treatment, but today it doesn't seem to really matter much.  Although he may have beaten the virus, despite all the effort it may not make much of a difference.

Today I received a copy of his CT-Scan, and I'm completely devastated.  How quickly my tears of joy two days ago are now tears of despair. There are several new tumors seen, and the previously stable tumors are growing again.  Ascites is increasing, and now there's pleural and lymph node involvement.  The phrase "likely metastasis" feels like someone punched me in the gut.  Those words leave me unable to muster up even a little of my usual optimism.

The added difficulty is that my husband does not know yet; we're not due to meet with the doctor until next Wednesday, and I'm feeling torn about divulging this new information.  Part of me feels guilty not telling him, but the other part of me wants him to enjoy the weekend and be happy for as long as he can be.  I'm not accustomed to keeping information from my husband, but it's hard to see any benefit to telling him now as opposed to waiting for the doctor's interpretation.  I know if he asks specifically if I've heard about the scan results it'll be hard to keep silent, but in the interim, I can't seem to bring myself to take away his positive attitude about being undetected ... at least not just yet.  

Struggling.
~eureka

[carol411]

Oh.  My thoughts and prayers are with you now as always.  This news has me stunned to almost silence.  Hugs.  

[22hamilton]

I am following your trial with a lump in my throat eureka, I hope you find strength from inside and some comfort from the many people who are wishing you through this.

<<<<>>>>

Paul  (uk)

[willing]

like chewing glass. It's good your son knows. If you weren't strong enough to carry this weight you wouldn't be doing it.

[adamben101]

I'm sorry to hear this.  Sending my prayers for you both!

[eureka254]

It's as if each one of your posts is a helping hand picking up the pieces to put me back together again ... your kindness and compassion has helped me so much the last few days, more than any of you could possibly know.

My husband has been sleeping quite a lot, and it's so strange that last week, I was glad for it, thinking he needed the rest because of his anemia... but this week, it makes me sad because I'm seeing it as a symptom now.  How wonderful now it seems, that bliss of ignorance.

It's so good to see him happy, still excited about his undetected status, talking about how positive thinking helped him so much... asking me to make sure to post to everyone here how even against all odds you can beat this virus... God, it was so hard to keep smiling... I don't know if I can even describe the feeling as bittersweet.

I did call my son this weekend who lives in Alabama to tell him the news, and it was a relief to hear that he agreed with me about waiting it out until the appointment.  It was still very disturbing to get the call this morning from the doc's secretary this though, asking us to move his Wednesday appointment from 1:00pm to 4:00pm ... I could felt my heart sinking at that request, but of course I agreed... it's not the delay that unsettled me so much as recognizing that they've rescheduled it so my husband is the doctor's last patient of the day...

[nygirl7]

I'm sorry I am late to posting my thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.
Try to continue to have faith and realize how many of us are praying for you both.

This just ***** there are no words for it and I am just so unbelievably sorry for your pain.

deb