shot 7....feeling very angry.very bad dreams

[almanu]

hi to all that know me, im sorry im not my happy self, im very down atm, talk about a roll a coster. im suffering very bad with panic attacks , i mean really bad. plus my attitude sux. i cant take xanax as there addictive, so im been told to take ad,s .im not blooody depressed. im like a lion with a thorn in his foot.is there anything i can take that can help with the panic attacks that are not xanax or valium. i really really need you help guys, im in big trouble. im considering just packing it in. im at my withs end.........i dont mind saying this but im infloods of tears writng this..



ps whats procrit, ive no idea..........god bless

[geterdone]

I apologize for continuing this on this thread for it is the Hepatitis Forum and will move it to my journal because it is not really related to medical question as the forum is intended.

jasper

Randy, there are many here who have walked a thin line on more than one occasion to reach what we all are striving for. Some make it the first time and others “the warriors” who do not, will risk treatment again and again in hopes to rid themselves of the virus that has invaded their lives and I am sure there is a level in which they view as being insane at some point and time during those treatments. Don’t know if this is your first time treating or not, but good luck!

jasper

[geterdone]

Even before the first shot or pill is taken the emotions are in full swing as the blood work is explained and the out come of what those test reveal is not good. Paralyzed as we sit there half coherent in what is being said, the subconscious mind is trying to comprehend and understand the in coming information; but even then, the fog of numerous other neurons are firing all at once and attached to each is fear of the future and anxiety of the present that starts to form in bits and pieces as they all come together swiftly in the present moment, and snaps you back into reality as we now sit there more focused in what is being said and what must be done to cure the problem.  

Attentively now and somewhat composed, we sit there listening to the tentative treatment plan that is being spelled out for us and what is to take place. First the biopsy, which sends us right back into the eclipse momentarily as a fleeing thought skips and tumbles across the cerebral galaxy and the reply back, is you have to do what? as the procedure is explained in detail as to what is to take place first as the process begins and are reassured not to worry it is a simple procedure. As you stand up ready to leave the offer of reassurance is given as you are walked to the receptionist for the needed paperwork and as you are standing there waiting all the background noise is now silent and the tremors and weakness in the knees start to seep in. The waiting room seems somewhat smaller than before as the paperwork is handed to you and as turn to leave, the door seems further away than before as well. Closing the door behind you, you pause for a moment…

To be continued    

[Trinity4]

Not flippant -  my reality and yours are totally different.  I don't see the world like you do nor would expect anyone to see it like I do.  Living preoccupies my mind - not death.  I don't want my last days on this earth engulfed in pain, swollen extremities, jaundice, bleeding in my stomach, confusion, loss of mental function.  I am trying to avoid this and there will be no peace in my mind unless I make every effort to do so. That is what insanity would be for me.  It would torment me everyday if I did not make a valiant effort to eradicate this disease. My treatment has not shattered my world Randy.  Most people do not experience what you have so I must say in all fairness it isn't always as dark for most as it was or is for you.  I'm sorry you were so tormented and I'm pushing treatment on anyone either -  but I'm not afraid of the unknown.  
Trinity

[randy1499]

I can tell you have never experienced true insanity--- you still care what is happening to you, but you have constant voices shouting in your head. Ones you can't turn off. Ones that tell you you will spend eternity without peace even after death. I lost my sanity, and I got it back. But I will never forget how it felt, or will I ever again look and smile at movies of mental patients. I no longer see their externals, I see a bit of them inside and I ache for them. Try not to be flippant, Trinity4. I like the pretty picture too, but it doesn't mean it is the scenario someone always goes through.

[Trinity4]

I like geter's pretty picture randy -  yours not so much.  I'd rather risk insanity than ESLD or liver cancer.   At least I wouldn't care what was happening to me.

[randy1499]

Pretty picture you paint. If only the truth was that it is inevidable the end of the journey is wonderful. The reality is, it's a crapshoot.

[geterdone]

Looking back in retrospect at the things we do to occupy our minds in between daily pills and weekly shots and of the daunting task of getting through the day and days in the fog. Ones mind begins to wander and wonder of all the wonderful things one can do at the end of treatment but the problem is getting to the end of the journey intact. Days turn into weeks and weeks then turn into months as the seasons seems to flash before our eyes in a slow motion as the waves of the cold air of winter sends us deep into hibernation of our own burros. Time that ticks on the wall ever so slowly like the dripping of a leaky faucet that needs mending, it is there that one steps into the shadows of the eclipse of ones mind not by choice but by ones own admission for it is there that the healing will begin, to explore the inner galaxy of self preservation and to escape the pain one must endure through these trying times of the treatment that lay before them.  

It is there that the manifestation had begun to take hold with the daily ingestion of the magic pills with in the healing process as each layer of stability has slowly faded away with each passing day and a step closer to the door as the fear and anxiety are now walking hand in hand. Is it the ability or inability to try to understand what changes are taking place both physically and mentally as we slide even deeper into our journey?

It seems in the beginning weeks of treatment as the meds start to take effect we are removed from ourselves in every sense of the word, first in the perception of how we view our surroundings and our internal feelings of those close to us as the meds alter every aspect of our lives.

to be continued

[randy1499]

I was convinced that if i fell asleep, i would wake up with no senses, just my mind going on forever in a silent sceam- this after about 2-3 months... for a month i paced all my waking hours, having zero ability to relax or concentrate- just that constant you are going to die and be trapped inside your own thoughts. I know i was clinically insane, that's why i wasn't even able to alert my doctor to this.  Eventually i just quit the meds---and after48 hours was sane enough to ask my doctor for an AD. this quelled the last of the syptoms-, but i was and am deathly afraid 5 years later of ever returing to the treatment. I have rare recurrences of the paranoia, usually when I am dehydrated, for some reason- and the AD takes the edge off.
My advice is-- you, like me, could be the unlucky one that has the rare side-effects I did. ANY question, find an AD that works-- if one does not work-- quit the treatment--- in my layman's opinion anythiing is better than insanity.  I don't honestly know what I would choose if the alternatives were a return to the treatment, or death. And that in itself says it all.

[ladybug52]

I'm glad you accepted help and are taking meds.
The tx is really rough on your mind, and you have to do what you can to get through it.
Good luck, a lot of people care about you.
Bug

[almanu]

im on zyfrexia or olanzipine,ive also takin the plung with xanax, i just had to.also a strong ad ill post the nam later.

in oreder to win at anything ,you must think you are a winner.

[Trish77]

My doc gave me ativan to help me sleep but only under the condition that I see the psychiatrist associated with the liver clinic.  He specializes in the psychiatry of illnesses, focuses on liver diseases and on the mental impacts of Hep C treatment in particular because of the mind-altering facet of our treatment drugs.  Now isn't that different.

My mind races too .. I have insomnia (I'm still awake now after waking up around 5am today and I'm not all that tired yet, my alarm will go off at 6am and it's just past 1am now.

This doc spent some time with me going over how I cope with stress and what works for me and what doesn't work for me and how I'm feeling and what's been going on with my treatment lately and what my side effects are and how I feel about AD's and getting a snapshot of ME....those kinds of things.

Long and short of it is that he put me on a very mild dose of a drug that's used to treat bi-polar to keep me even .. to keep me from going too far one way or the other, even though I've gone way too far hyper.  I'm on a low dose of risperidone at 12.5mg.  He wanted to give me something stronger with a "sedative" effect and I told him I wasn't crazy about anything with a sedative effect so we're going with this.  He says a normal dose for someone with bi-polar is 300mg so this is very low dose and the pills are little slivers.  The pharmacist said these must be to help you sleep or for anxiety at this dose - that helped back up what he said. My doc knows it freaks me out to have anything that might blunt my mental processes so he's working WITH me.

It's like being in another kind of clinical trial in a way to have a doc who specializes in the mental impact of Hep C treatment and we're trying this out.

I'm pretty mentally tough, have been through alot but have also been going through alot of things in my personal life while on treatment that have added to the challenge of it all.  My childhood has come back out at me too .. and if it's any consolation, great big giant breakthrough as well and I've already come quite far.. just had not come quite far enough.  I'll have a hard time knowing which is the greater triumph, to be honest.. to beat Hep C or beat the demons I've carried...well, no... hands down...to beat the remaining stubborn demons wins over beating the dragon and I get to beat both, I'm figuring. This is going to be one helluva year.

So hang in there.  If your meds are NOT working for you try something else and stick with what is true to YOU. There are also other strategies that don't involve meds and just try and get quiet with yourself, if you know what I mean.  

Don't be sorry for bringing it up.. stuff like that gets brought up all the time, people share what worked for them and you know you're not alone .. however in the end you always need to figure out what is best for YOU.

Good luck ongoing .. take GOOD care of you.

Trish

[jdwithhcv]

I can relate to that early morning effect.  Some days I had it all day long - I think the ribacvarin causes that.  As soon as I stopped taking the riba that stopped, thank God!  Hope you're feeling better.

jd

[almanu]

well went to doctor, basiclly i said, im going tru this NOT you, well im in anti d,s slepers, and xanax. i feel a lot better...................im sprry for bringing this up here.but every morning i get up, i really have to run fast to the toilet for a 2,s.sorry if its breakfast time and your reading this.anybody have this problem...........you are all my angels
god bless

[kimmypoo2]

I KNOW WHAT YOUR FEELING
I COULDNT HAVE DONE THIS TX WITHOUT THE AD,S
IT WAS TIMES WERE I FELT I WAS LOSING IT
THE ANXIETY ATTACKS ARE SCARY
FROM MY EXPERIENCE I WOULD RECOMMEND
AD

[TeeVee36]

Try Paxil, it works for anxiety very well.  I used to take the Xanax and carried it around with me and would freak out if I couldn't locate it in my purse.  Now that I am on Paxil I leave the Xanax at home and don't even need it.  It is a wonder drug for me...Paxil that is.  I am trying to stop taking the Xanax, I only take half at night but like I said I don't need it and basically just keep taking it.  I will kick it soon, I have no choice...

They shouldn't have any problem presribing the Paxil, it is an AD but it is one of the more stronger ones and covers a lot of issues such as depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD (PMS for women).  I started taking it after I completed tx and really feel calm, cool and collected.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.  

TV

[almanu]

hi issobella sorry didnt add this in my origanal post, ive got brain fog, im on stillnoct for sleep, wicth do not work, and get this olanzipine for bi-polor disorder.they precribed a high dose of xanax, but i had to refuse as ,there my danger drugs, im nearly 7 years clean, i cant risk my life going down that road again, i just need anti d with a benzo in it , i really really cant live with this anxiaty.

[almanu]

thanks for all your kind words, yeah you are all right, i think i hit my wall, god 2 1/2 years working in serre leone was a breeze to what is going thru now, i'm not a big baby ,this is hell, i can see why there's a high % of people who just say enough is enough, i my self have 3 kids depending on me so even the thoughts of doing anything stupid is out of the question,ive even got to the stage were , this is were my mind is at , that i think it best if i don't post any more as im  brining you down, the last time i tried was at an army buddies funeral, that was 10 years ago. i cry nearly every day now.im trying to write a book on my life experiances, i cant get past the first padge as all the things i done that im not proud off ,make me feel phisacly sick..please excuse the spelling , its 5am i cant sleep and my mind is racing.
you guts are my rock tru this you really are.
i dont know what th rules are on posting prayers.but i got a very powrfull one off a army preist, its never let me down ,i say it once a day, if you like illl post it for you.its worked everytime , as long as you ask for simple things like being svr. god bless

[comeagain]

First tx was terrible i felt evil to the bone had panic atacks they started after 3weeks on tx.
I went to the hospital and  asked for valium but they refused me that, gave me something called atarax ( not addictiv ) maybe it helped I dont know.

What did helped though was that after a week I had developed a avoiding pattern that was just as hellish as the panic agnesty attacks.

If the curtins was closed I´v got claustrofobiac have to rush out get airit could be some thing on tv if anything was unclear and i didn´t understand it for instance, and the more i avoided the more new stuff appeard that triggerd my panic that I must avoid.
It was like trying to run from a lavin.

So I couldent avoid it and I couldn´t meet it can you imagen such situation.
To make a long story short i googled "is there away to get rid of panic agnesty attacks"
( in swedish that was)

And I came to a medsite that said there is one way, lay your self down meet the awful thoughts and feelings, really try to feel the awfullnes in its worst aspect how it really feels
.
Then the psychiatrist on the website said if you do, you wont dye even if its feels like you gonna, its gonna last  tops 15minuts and if you dare to met the agnesty you gonna get answers of what is wrong in your life, and it was that last remark  that got me motivated to dare to meet the shiit and  I did and it went away.

And let me tell you it was such a scary thing to do, so afterwards i hardely couldent believe i had done it.
And i said to my self i will never meet it again if  it comes back in full strengt, it has never comed back in full strengt after that first time.
As soon as I feel its coming I just stop everything I´m doing and prepare myself of meeting it, it doesnt take many minutes before its gone.

I also got answers thats been bugging me fore more then 20 years.
I had gone against my intuition and have started to missbelieve my self and instead choosed to believe another persons version more.

Maybe you just think I´m a nutcase and can´t relate to what i´m saying at all by all means forget all of this then, but if you can relate, feel free to pm me any time.

ca

[toughluck]

Sounds like you had a rough time growing up, me to, TX for some reason brings back some bad memories. We all have skeletons in the closet best thing is slam that door shut and forget about those bad times, think about how good your gonna feel after clearing this nasty virus be cool.

[epiphiny]

Please, please, please take the anti-Ds.  I absolutely could not do this treatment without them.  

[Fl_Gator]

treatment drugs diminish our seratonin levels... Serotonin is a chemical that helps maintain a "happy feeling," and seems to help keep our moods under control by helping with sleep, calming anxiety, and relieving depression.

take the AD's...they will help you feel like yourself again...

[Trinity4]

Alamau,
What you are experiencing is normal on tx.  Anxiety, anger, desperation, fatigue - all part of what we go through on tx.  AD's are not only for depression.  They can help you with sleep also. There are also sleepaides which are non-addictive.  You really should talk with your doctor about this.  Klonopin is part of the benzod family so it can be addictive.  You are in your 7th week.  Your body is trying very hard to keep up with the all the medication you have pumped into it.  It's damn hard - no other way to say it.  You have to prepare yourself somewhat for the changes.  You are not going to be the same happy go lucky alamau you once were.  Are they keeping a good check on your blood work?  I started to tank around the 7th week.  I felt terribile, no energy.  I have never been anemic, but it does make you feel extremely tired and winded.  That is what Procrit is for -  to raise your red blood cells.  Don't pack it in -  you're going through a very difficult time in tx.  It did get better for me after wk 12 and I'm really hoping it will for you too.  Talk to your doctor, you don't have to talk medications that are addictive to get some relief.  One day at a time my friend, that's the best you can do.  Cry, stomp, cuss, kick the cat, whatever it takes.  Get on this forum and raise h-e-l-l.  Just warn us first. :)
You are going to be ok, stick with the program, try to suck it up and see your doctor for some relief.  Good Luck .
Trinity

[almanu]

klonapin is that an anxiaty med, or anti,d, im a tought boy, 8 years in the army[irish rangers 547th] but i feel like packing it in, i dont like what im turning in, i had a hard childhood, i was 11 when i got sent to a borstal run by christian brother for 4 years, as you can imagine it was pure hell and tourture, i tought i delf with all this , but no it strionger than ever.if the anxiaty was handled id be fine.thanks for you comment, your likr angles

[Isobella]

I am so sorry you are having a bad time.  I am on shot #8 and the past week I hit the emotional wall--crying for no reason.  Stuff like that.  I increased my ad and am feeling better.  I take Zoloft.  It evens me out and calms me down.

What are they suggesting you take?  Perhaps give it a try.  You may be surprised how it helps.  

Procrit is for low hemoglobin.  If your hemoglobin level is dropping, that can leave you feeing pretty bad as well.  

I know someone will have better advice than me....but I just wanted to say I hope you feel better.....hang in there....this is a low point right now, but it will get better.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers

Isobella