week 24 and served divorce papers

[jools57]

Hi All...just a little update.I was served divorce papers last weekend from my christian husband of 4 1/2 years, and I am 1/2 way thru txing. Because of wording on deed, it looks like the house and my down payment which we used from my inheirentance is community property. He wants 1/2 of everything, this after saying I should get the money i used to get him($20,000) out of debt, and the down payment on house($66,000) back, but now since he's actually got a lawyer seems he's changed his mind. Unfortunately houses are sitting on the market here in No.Nevada, plus because he refinanced in 2005 our equity isn't all that great. Boy do I feel like the complete fool. Now I'm dealing with depression, and TX. I was holding off on AD but can't seem to stop crying. Any thoughts on a good one? I will have 24 week blood work done, next Thursday, and will post findings(geno 3 slow responder).Blessings and thanks for letting me vent!

[Forseegood]

you know how I feel on these issues, I don't want to sound like a broken record, and I know I probably do at times. I've been just where youre at now, of course, not with the same exact circumstances, but I get your deal.

You are not a fool. The fool in this situation is obvious. I'm just hoping you can heal from this sooner then later, and I wish the best for you. It's tough, probably so many of us have been there. But I try to go Zen on it now, so many years later....and just figure that these people are here to teach us lessons that we need to know, and let it go at that. Believe me, I've had my teachers.

I'm sure you have a good lawyer to protect your interests as well as he/she can.

You know what helped me at the time of my being dumped? As negative as it sounds? I wrote down every crummy thing he did to me, or to me, in great detail.

Whenever that natural instinct many of us have, of hoping he'll come to his senses and take us back, etc etc...or just that hurtful thing we do of wanting a person like this back, etc...

I read that list, and it got me into reality of what that person did and who he was, and how it was my business to get out of that and move on with my life. At the time of trying to heal myself, I couldn't afford a lot of good thoughts about the guy. Now I can, but not then. I also focused on my much better future back then, and it turned out to be much better.

I also bought a lot of books on this subject, there are a few good ones, and that helped heal me too. Plus I did support groups related to this, cause I'm a support group kind of gal, lol...it all helped. There were a bunch of us in there, supporting each other, and listening to each other's stories, till we could make each other laugh about them. And learn our lessons we needed to learn.

Take that time you need, and surround  yourself with people who care about you, and can relate to you. This will all be behind you, and you'll heal from this. My very best to you.

[viaduk]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It seems that you have been give some good advice here, and I'm glad that you hired an attorney. I hope that your treatment goes well, and that you are rid of both this virus and that SOB.  Take care of yourself.

[baybaymac3]

oh yeah, my hasbeen (husband)  did all of the same stuff online and in real life, moved the woman in when I left. he screws around on her, the grown kids saw him and last week told me that he would move ole girl out so I could come home, oh as long as I would work a forget tx.  He can kiss my ###$$.  Let me guess a southern man or what?

[baybaymac3]

I do not know where you live but my still husband did was almost the same, he just moved another woman in right after he told me to go home a get better.  Anyways, inheritance money usually is not a marital asset and is seperate, get with an attorney,  I looked into it in AZ where I am from.  God bless you, we both found an *** of a spouse.  

[kcrandy]

i hope you have an attorney as well.

i say this because with a good attorney you can possibly delay the "***" from gettin anything because of your tx status.  i do not know were or how you got your hep-c but if there is a chance this "***" gave it to you can go after him for damages to you.  thats why i say find a good attorney and dont let the jerk have any satisfaction, at least make him pay out the yeng yang for it and delay him from imediate gratification.


we are all pulling for you hang in there. :o)

[cajunldy]

I am so sorry to hear this.  What a freaking jerk.  But, it does look like you have been given some sound advice here.  Please get an attorney and go for the gusto.  Don't be timid or shy or forgiving, some one like that does not deserve you.  You deserve way more than he.  Please take the advice of these post, some very good info given to you here.
Good Luck, Hit Him With All You've Got Girl.

Cajun

[jools57]

thank you all...I will ask my lawyer what she thinks about the bargaining chips...all i've wanted is for him to sit down and admit that we wouldn't even have the house if it wasn't for my money, and that i should in the very least get that back. Then he can move on with his life, and my kids and I can move on with ours. Found out he has a myspace account, stating he is single, and a proud parent, and a christian/other...what a joke and a hypocrite since he abandoned both of his biological kids. Technically he's still married too...how people justify what they do amazes me. Well I've wasted too much time worrying about what he is doing...must move on....going to pharmacy to get my meds...happy monday to all...
Blessings

[Alady1620]

I am sorry about your husband.  

[Willy50]

1)  "I called the loan co.(countrywide) and they gave me an 800 number to call, and it seems if the loan defaults it will only affect his credit."

2)  The threat of owing you years of alimony or medical convalescence.

These 2 things are bargaining chips.  His attorney has talked him into doing something unethical although legal.  He is doing this for his own financial gain.  If you can provide him some evidence that this will result in a loss-loss for him he may come back to the table.

How can you get him to face his losses?  What if you were to stay in the house while a protracted divorce occurred (protracted may not have to mean expensive since you may have a medical excuse) while he rents?  What if the finances all fall on him cause there is no incentive for you to help his credit rating.

What if you became even more sick....or disabled and he became afraid that he could be "on the hook" for your care for quite some time?  He might be willing to do some mediation with you or might sign off on a "fair" deal if it looked as if his profits from the marriage were all going south.

You may need to show him that this divorce could cost him not gain him money that he never was ethically entitled to anyway.  Maybe he'll come to the table and you can work out something more amenable to you.

best,
willy

[indyjo]

Remember....... the best revenge is success

[jools57]

Thank you so much for your support, and advice. I did retain a lawyer($2,000) pricey, but i feel worth the money at this point. I'm really trying not to freak out in regards to the money, I am only working part time, and sold my jeep to pay for treatment, so am trying to make the cash stretch! The mortgage is very confusing, because the loan is in his name, but i initialed as borrorer on some papers, deed is in both names as community property instead of joint tenants. I called the loan co.(countrywide) and they gave me an 800 number to call, and it seems if the loan defaults it will only affect his credit. My mind is so foggy these days that sifting thru all this is crazy. I feel like an idiot. At one point in my life i was of above average intelligence.LOL. I have all the numbers together and am faxing them to the attorney on Tuesday.Fortunately my kids are from a previous marriage, and they won't have to see him again. Thank you for all the love, and advice and scripture. I'll keep you posted. Blessings, Julie

[charm27]

this is sad but he is dying of a benign brain tumor.- I call his dad every five years or so.
A soap opera called LIFE .- he never remarried nor had kids- just like me.

Take care Meki

[meki]

The reason I ask this is because there are hundreds and hundreds of John Doe unidentifieds - everywhere.

Please research them.

Unless you know he's still alive.

Meki

[meki]

charm- are you sure he's alive?

[charm27]

Oh Im so sorry you have to go thru this at any time..but especially now.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I hate to say this but true....everything will work out and obviously it wasnt meant to be. You are probably better off. You'll get thru this..this time is for your healing now. Take care of yourself.....you didnt lose anything he did.
When I was sick 20 yrs ago with acute HCV (no one knew that at that time) by husband of 10 years walked out one me cause I was sick..until this day I never heard from him again.
Life is sometimes very hurting and very unexplainable.
You will get thru with flying colors.
:)

[frijole]

Community property or not, you would have a right of reimbursement for the separate property funds you contributed to the down payment on the house.  Try to find the bank statement where the downpayment was made.  I have traced community and separate property for divorce settlements a nd it is assumed that community property funds are used before separate property.   You need a good attorney and an accountant who can trace your inheritance thru your records.  It should not be that difficult.  Gifts and inheritance are ALWAYS separate property.  
frijole

[alagirl]

I agree with everything Willy said, couldn't have said it better.  And if you are one of those nice sweet forgiving people, try to cut that out right now.  This is the time to take care of your interests.  Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Try not to get personal about all of this, even though it is an intensely personal situation I know.  But really, it just comes down to legalities.  And Willy is right, it doesn't matter if the guy is a complete A-hole, what does matter is that you are the ill spouse.  Typically, there is a legal presumption that the well spouse has an obligation to care for the spouse who is ill.  Geez, who'd you marry anyway, Newt Gingrich?

[meki]

ooh Jools - --- go get an attorney...

Babe - bite his head off in court.

Divorce during chemo or TX --- what a ****.

Meki

[CockSparrow]

So sorry for what you are going thru, it sucks.
On the upside little does exHubby realise that he could not have picked a worse time to do this to you. You are taking drugs that brings out the fighter in us and makes tolerance something we have little of. Use these drug induced qualities to his diadvantage.

You'll win
CS

[Willy50]

I think that giving advice requires knowing a bit about the specific state's laws.  What Alagirl wrote sounds accurate to me.  I would extend it a bit however;

I would drag out the divorce as long as one could so that you could be supported while on TX.

I would also start preparing for spousal support after the divorce; alimony.  You see...... you are being divorced due to your poor health, possibly either mental or physical.  We have no way of knowing if this condition will continue but it should be assumed that it could continue for some time and that the marital assets need to be divided to provide for your health care.

Whether or not he is a heel or not may be besides the point in a no-fault state.  One other issue that you may need to pay attention to is at what point the assets and responsibilities are divided; at seperation or at the divorce.  I know of someone who ran up a card thinking that it was marital assets....... only to find out that they had just run up a bunch of debt in their name only.  Since you will have continued expense due to TX....make sure you understand who owns that debt.  IF it turns out you are broke perhaps you will then qualify for one of the drug assistance programs from Roche or SGP.

Get a good attorney but realize that if you squabble too much the attorneys will take a very large chunk of you marital equity.  Have you ever noticed how similar the words marital and martial are?

Condolences and best wishes.....
Willy

[alagirl]

And for God's sake, go get the AD's.  Why punish yourself?

[alagirl]

Sweetheart, it may be a community property state, but go ahead and get an attorney.  He just thinks he's getting half of everything.  I assume that you are not working full time due to the fact that you are ill and on treatment?  Courts tend to look at the "well" spouse divorcing the sick spouse as the one with financial responsibility.  You can even ask for temporary spousal support RIGHT NOW pending the finalization of the divorce.  Which hey, since you'll be getting the temporary monthly payment?  I'd stretch out as long as possible.  By the way?  I'd ask for your monthly mortgage payment, utilities, medical bills, groceries and all of your other expenses.  Because husbands and wives aren't supposed to leave when the other spouse is ill.  Its part of that whole "in sickness and in health" verbal contract.

Go get a good referral on an excellent attorney who will really go to bat for you especially on that temporary spousal support.  It doesn't MATTER about the community property state on that since you are sick and likely not working right now, or at least not enough to completely support yourself.  Whatever you do - do NOT use his attorney!  Good luck and I'm so sorry that he is such a jerk.

[susan400]

I'm so, so sorry. I've been through 2 divorces myself and neither one was easy, then, like a fool, I remarried my 2nd husband again-not sure that this was one of my better decisions.  I just feel for you, so much in what your dealing with.  He should have been standing by your side and encouraging you and instead he dumps you like this---I agree he needs a big kick in his backside, next time he leaves, change the locks and don't like him come back in.  Possession is 9/10's of the law and he leaves-he's deserted you.  You need a better lawyer than he has and you can get what you deserve out of this raw deal and maybe then some more!   But, also, remember that he will have to stand before the almighty God someday and explain to Him why he did this to you.  So, it's not for you to worry with now.  You need to concentrate on keeping yourself healthy and that means letting him go.  Susan

[working dog]

good luck jools...most folks nowadays get divorced..you can talk about it so you'll be fine...hope you do real well with your treatments...billy