Telling your parner

[Jaydie]

I need some help as to how to tell a potential partner that I was diagnosed with genital Hsv-1 about 8-9 months ago. I am 33 and have just started to date again. This is the information I gave to the man I was seeing. We went on one date and I told him before our second date that I was hsv-1 positive. The response I got from him was quite upsetting and I was wondering if you could one let me know if the information below is accurate and two let me know how to explain this to future partners. Thanks

About 8 months ago I was told that I had contracted HSV-1 This is normally associated with cold sores...it is not the type 2 (herpes)that is normally associated with STD's but it can occur in the genital area. Most people infected with HSV-1 in the genital area have few, if any, outbreaks after the initial episode, far fewer than is typical with either oral HSV-1 or genital HSV-2. I have had one outbreak in 8 months.

I had been in a relationship with a man that I knew well.  He was the first sexual partner I had been with in a year and a half and before that I was with the same person for 3 years. I have been with 5 partners since I was 18.

HSV-1 is transmitted to the genital area through oral sex. Some people contract oral HSV-1 as kids...they develop antibodies and generally show no symptoms as adults..but can still transmit the virus to the genital area through oral sex if the partner has never come into contact with the HSV-1 virus before. My ex did not know he was infected with HSV-1 because he had no visible symptoms.

The initial outbreak in the genital area can resemble HSV-2 in severity but generally reoccurences do not occur past the first year of infection and outbreaks are usually less severe when they occure outside of their primary areas of infection...hsv-1 typically occurs in the mouth and therefore is less severe and occurs less frequently in the genital area.

I want you to take time to think this through...I didn't have that option and you deserve that.

[daisy315]

You did all you could do and explained it very well ..... it's sad that he took a dim view  and it resulted in him upsetting you particularly when you were so open and honest with him about it I'm sure he will encounter many in his lifetime who will not afford him the consideration you did,if he hasn't already....there is nothing to say he doesn't already have either HSV1 or HSV2 anyway if he hasn't been recently tested, so leave him to get on with his life in whatever fashion he chooses and count yourself lucky that you escaped such a narrow minded jerk who could not see the decent honest person he had in you ..... Not everyone will respond the way this guy did so don't let him affect you in any way he is in the minority and not worth your time much less your love.

Daisy
  

[Jaydie]

Thank-you for your response. I was pretty crushed. I explained that I had no expectations and would respect any decision he made...but he compared it to the Twilight series, saying it would be like asking him to turn into something that was other than human...I was pretty much shocked at his response...we had been talking for a few weeks before our first date and he said he had genuine feelings for me...I wanted to e hnest with him before hisfeelings grew stronger so he could make an objective decision. I told him to take time to think things over, even visit his doctor and I would wait....but I appreciate your response because if his reply is typical I may just opt out of dating...lol

[petal130]

I hope you don't opt out of dating. I think you'll find for as many if not more good dating success stories there are bad. Some folks just can't deal with herpes, which is a shame as in the scheme of things there are many other relationship issues, quirks, bad habits and personality issues, etc. that clearly trump herpes! Perhaps in the future, wait a few dates - at least let the person get to know you a bit (and you, him!), so he's not just hearing/seeing "herpes" instead of  "great gal, I can deal with herpes!"...

Check out the Herpes Handbook, I believe there's a chapter as to telling a new partner.  http://www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook/view_the_chapters.html

Also, there's a great new book out by Terri Warren's - "The Good News About the Bad News" - it goes into far more detail and is very helpful for newly diagnosed people and their partners http://thegoodnewsaboutthebadnews.com/

[Jaydie]

Thank-you so much for the resources. I will be sure to read them. Yes, I was not sure when to tell him. He was actually upset that I waited as long as I did. He said it was dishonest but I don't think it would be appropriate to introduce myself with a description of the virus...lol...I do understand his point. He didn't think it was fair to let himdevelop feelings for me without telling him straight off but I do agree with you...it would be nice for them to get to know the person first....

[petal130]

It's not dishonest in my book until you have sex. But, his opinion to which he's entitled.

There's not necessarily a good way or bad way to disclose herpes - it really comes down to the person receiving the information. Your guy clearly would not have been receptive in the first minute nor the 100th hour it would seem. His loss!  :-)   But there are men who are willing to look past it...