Aa
Does it still go threw your mind
It has been 4 years,,im still with him,,He has changed completely,,he tells me he loves me every single day,,he says it was a wake up call for him,,Thing is i suffer in silence every single day like the first,, still till today,,i will be honest and say he also gave me a wake up call,, and i could never look at him the same way ever again,,there is not a single day that whent by that i did not have a thought of what he has done to are family and my self,,do i trust him,,Definatley ,,but in my heart i really dont care,,its not a trust issue for him to repeat it again,,its what he did and all the lies for months,,it makes me feel like a fool and shows no respect for my well being,,to me he laughfed and took advantage of my trust and took a chance to loose me ,,i lost are home and everything we ever worked for is gone all because of his disregard for himself and mine,,i not only struggle now i blame him for it,,but not to his face,,in my mind,,and every day i look around me its a reflection of what he has done,,I DO NOT THROW IT IN HIS FACE I ADMIT I USED TO ALL THE TIME AT THE BEGINING,,but i do not anymore ever,,i just keep it to my self,,and if im with him and i do see woman glance him,i dont say a word but it even doubles my daily thought,,Any one feel this way
It's like it's on You now, lor, to conform to the sh!t that has been handed down to You without Your consent, let alone, Your permission!! You don't have to like it but You d@mn well ought to find a way to go with it!! (Sarcasm intended!!)
It's like NOW it's on YOU whether the Marriage survives or not!! (Sarcasm intended, again!!) Like, as if the Marriage fails NOW, it's gonna be cuz You didn't find a way to deal with it - NOT because Your Husband cheated!! The cheat is no longer important here - it now comes down to whether You take it or don't!! (more sarcasm) (You're "expected" to treasure this marriage more than He did!!)
You know what? I can't help but notice that We walk away from Other People who cause us pain - but not if it's our Husband!!?? - because He's the Husband He's "entitled" to cause Us this kind of pain?? (sarcasm). The ONE person we ought to trust to TREASURE us, not HURT us!! Others (other woman) who have NO obligation to us are to be hated, to be ostrasized, - let's blame THEM - let's direct MOST of Our hate and blame to HER?? What the H*ll kind of sense does THAT make??!! Answer: not very much!! SHE - that Other Woman had NO obligation to US - BUT!! We thought, we really thought, that HE did!! Why?? Are we SO ready to be SO angry at her but willing to let Him off the hook?? Answer: It's what one does to "tolerate" to "save" the relationship that HE did not TREASURE the same way You do!!
(if we are going to let Him off the hook we really shouldn't be SO mad at her! ! - She WAS NOT obligated to Us - HE was!!) I have a poor opinion also of women who cheat with married men BUT, SHE is NOT worse than HE!! One is gonna hate her forever but "forgive" him!!?? I SIMPLY DO NOT GET THAT!! IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE MAD AT HIM ANYMORE YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAD AT HER ANYMORE EITHER!! IF YOU CAN "LET IT GO" WITH HIM, HOW COME YOU CAN'T LET IT GO WITH HER?? I am so sincere, here - I really, REALLY, don't get that!!
I'm afraid many of us think having a bad relationship is better than being alone. And if He cheats on You it IS a bad relationship in the sense that it is NOT what You thought it was. I say: If He HURTS You He PROBABLY isn't good for You.
All that being said - Kudos to those who "get there" - Kudos to those who keep the relationship BUT it's okay, it's REALLY, REALLY!! okay if some are not able to reason and excuse what has been done. It IS INexcusable, it IS UNreasonable and it's okay, lor, if You can't put this "aside". It isn't YOUR character that is at issue here - it's the realization of HIS character that is giving You such difficulty.
If You cannot do that lor, I want to go down as saying - it does not mean You are weaker - in fact, it just might mean You are Stronger - Strong enough not to accept the silly a$$ "excuses", "reasons", that get handed out in times such as these. You don't have to compromise Your Ideals and Expectations - not if You don't Want to - not if You are Unable to do so.
It's okay, lor, it's REALLY, REALLY okay if You cannot go there!!
BUT if You do, I'm still in Your Corner!!
It's like NOW it's on YOU whether the Marriage survives or not!! (Sarcasm intended, again!!) Like, as if the Marriage fails NOW, it's gonna be cuz You didn't find a way to deal with it - NOT because Your Husband cheated!! The cheat is no longer important here - it now comes down to whether You take it or don't!! (more sarcasm) (You're "expected" to treasure this marriage more than He did!!)
You know what? I can't help but notice that We walk away from Other People who cause us pain - but not if it's our Husband!!?? - because He's the Husband He's "entitled" to cause Us this kind of pain?? (sarcasm). The ONE person we ought to trust to TREASURE us, not HURT us!! Others (other woman) who have NO obligation to us are to be hated, to be ostrasized, - let's blame THEM - let's direct MOST of Our hate and blame to HER?? What the H*ll kind of sense does THAT make??!! Answer: not very much!! SHE - that Other Woman had NO obligation to US - BUT!! We thought, we really thought, that HE did!! Why?? Are we SO ready to be SO angry at her but willing to let Him off the hook?? Answer: It's what one does to "tolerate" to "save" the relationship that HE did not TREASURE the same way You do!!
(if we are going to let Him off the hook we really shouldn't be SO mad at her! ! - She WAS NOT obligated to Us - HE was!!) I have a poor opinion also of women who cheat with married men BUT, SHE is NOT worse than HE!! One is gonna hate her forever but "forgive" him!!?? I SIMPLY DO NOT GET THAT!! IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE MAD AT HIM ANYMORE YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAD AT HER ANYMORE EITHER!! IF YOU CAN "LET IT GO" WITH HIM, HOW COME YOU CAN'T LET IT GO WITH HER?? I am so sincere, here - I really, REALLY, don't get that!!
I'm afraid many of us think having a bad relationship is better than being alone. And if He cheats on You it IS a bad relationship in the sense that it is NOT what You thought it was. I say: If He HURTS You He PROBABLY isn't good for You.
All that being said - Kudos to those who "get there" - Kudos to those who keep the relationship BUT it's okay, it's REALLY, REALLY!! okay if some are not able to reason and excuse what has been done. It IS INexcusable, it IS UNreasonable and it's okay, lor, if You can't put this "aside". It isn't YOUR character that is at issue here - it's the realization of HIS character that is giving You such difficulty.
If You cannot do that lor, I want to go down as saying - it does not mean You are weaker - in fact, it just might mean You are Stronger - Strong enough not to accept the silly a$$ "excuses", "reasons", that get handed out in times such as these. You don't have to compromise Your Ideals and Expectations - not if You don't Want to - not if You are Unable to do so.
It's okay, lor, it's REALLY, REALLY okay if You cannot go there!!
BUT if You do, I'm still in Your Corner!!
This makes me so sad Lor. It seems like you are completely indifferent to him. I bet he really does regret what he did and I do believe him when he says these things to you. It must be painful for the both of you. He wants his wife back, he knows he screwed up and is taking the punches, and you are still feeling the pain from what he did and can't enjoy the love he's trying to give you now. At any point do you think you could possibly open yourself up to loving him again? Not just for him but for yourself as well. I mean how great would it feel to enjoy your life with him again? I just can't imagine being so numb. I feel like it would hurt me just as much.
Thanks,,and i do hair part time,,,and do allot of activities with my daughter and grandchildren,,,he works and we are not together all the time,,Funny thing is he calls me and says i miss you i love you,,I say i gotta go,,he looks forward to come home ,,i do not,,but it helps ,,two incomes is better than a single persons income,,in reality...i always tell him Never stay with me ever ,,if your not happy,,he said,,i love you and i will spend the rest of my life makeing it up to you,,I told him i have never made promices to you and you no how i feel,,,its really complicated
Again, thanks for the nice words lor. What I am trying to get at with the "deeper peace" thing is... perhaps you are just hurt rather than mad. But either way, having it constantly at the forefront of every day has to be murderous.
In my opinion, all of the emotions revolving around this are interchangeable. Complete opposites tie into another emotion. You say you're hurt, but that hurt causes you pain... and rightfully so. (It is so evident in all that you write.) You're not fine, because you're hurt. You're not "happy" or "sad", but do seem to lie somewhere in the middle. And it is that spot that is the loneliest......
The relationship with your husband is, as is. I'd really like to see you snatch on to something outside of the home... a killer hobby, something fun that you and your child enjoy, a book club, knitting.... hell, I don't know. I just really feel that at this juncture, it would be far from out of line to consider you and your daughter first, and do it for a long damned time, too. There has to be something out there that piques your interest. I'd say immerse yourself fully into it. It can be low cost or no cost, just something away from him for an hour or two a day.... just you or you and your daughter doing anything. (Hell, putting sandwiches together at a homeless shelter might be a thing to consider... I don't know.)
I am not saying this to make it seem that you aren't trying to do this... not even close. Perhaps I am urging you to pursue any idea or notion that comes down the line, but do it for you!
In my opinion, all of the emotions revolving around this are interchangeable. Complete opposites tie into another emotion. You say you're hurt, but that hurt causes you pain... and rightfully so. (It is so evident in all that you write.) You're not fine, because you're hurt. You're not "happy" or "sad", but do seem to lie somewhere in the middle. And it is that spot that is the loneliest......
The relationship with your husband is, as is. I'd really like to see you snatch on to something outside of the home... a killer hobby, something fun that you and your child enjoy, a book club, knitting.... hell, I don't know. I just really feel that at this juncture, it would be far from out of line to consider you and your daughter first, and do it for a long damned time, too. There has to be something out there that piques your interest. I'd say immerse yourself fully into it. It can be low cost or no cost, just something away from him for an hour or two a day.... just you or you and your daughter doing anything. (Hell, putting sandwiches together at a homeless shelter might be a thing to consider... I don't know.)
I am not saying this to make it seem that you aren't trying to do this... not even close. Perhaps I am urging you to pursue any idea or notion that comes down the line, but do it for you!
I Do not believe i am angry,,i feel more hurt than anything,,i am always glad when a couple can move forward after infidelity,,its unfortunate when some cannot ,,i appreciate your advise also,,and happy you and your wife are moveing forward,,i jst think in some cases its harder to get there than others
Thanks for replying and also not taking what I asked/said the wrong way. I do believe that your circumstance is truly different from most. Trying to grasp the idea that your husband did indeed "lose" everything because of this is really hard to hear, and I am real sure it is real hard to deal with.
I think you are riding on a weird, think, wavy line with handling this. I do understand those emotions. On a different level, I used to be able to hold on to grudges like nobody else. I had a photographic memory of everyone who did me any harm (and sometimes no real harm was done, but I used to take everything as a personal attack) and all of the circumstances revolving around anything/anyone who pissed me off. After I committed adultery, so many things came clear to me. First and foremost were all of MY problems that I did not ever address, and holding grudges was at the top of the list.
I went and saw a psychic. (Actually she calls herself an "intuitive". I never believed in this stuff, but along with all of the therapy I was going to go through to address my issues, I thought 1 more insight might be of value.) This woman did a "reading" and I was amazed.... she nailed so many things right on. She wasn't speaking in random, blanket statements, like..."someone in your family had blue eyes", but was nailing down specifics. Exact facts.... it amazed me.
She knew of the infidelity because my wife had gone, but she knew nothing of me personally. She explained what she did and how she went about it, and the reading began. The first thing she told me was, "You hold a lot of grudges.... you are also very hard on yourself." She went on to say that "you're grudges help breed more discontent for yourself." She went on and basically pointed out the 2 major grudges I was holding at the time, and more or less named everyone I was holding accountable for them.... it was too real and too weird.
She leaned forward, put a hand on my knee and grabbed my left hand in her right hand. She said, "you don't know how to let go of grudges, but I am going to help you get rid of all grudges." She did some weird witchcraft thing (that I never would have believed in a million years) and said, "it's time to let go of those grudges". She instructed me to take a deep breath, think about the grudges, exhale, and those grudges would go away. I did as instructed, and I could literally feel those grudges leave my body... like a ton of weight being removed from my chest. She also told me that I had to forgive the 2 major people involved, which was effortless at that point.
I said all of that to get to this. Sorry it took all of that to get here. I've not forgotten what happened and how it "screwed me over". I can't forget it. But I all of a sudden saw it all in a different light. I saw the selfishness on the other peoples behalf and realized that I had very, very little control over what happened. No control in fact, other than control over myself and how I thought of it.
I'll still hold those accountable, but I no longer have to do it with anger. I no longer even have the need to voice my opinion regarding the situation. I got past that with the "voodoo lady", as I call her. I think you can get there too. I think there is a protective mechanism that is keeping this closer to the front of your brain/memory than the back of it. (It's a primal instinct, is what I learned in therapy sessions)
Do you have hobbies or things you like to do? Maybe you can immerse yourself in those things, or start something new. I do think this forum is a great place for venting and getting crap off of your mind, and I cannot tell you how valuable this site has been for my wife and myself.
I wish you deeper peace. I know you can get there, and I know you don't necessarily want this to run your life. It will always be a part, but it can play a smaller part.
I think you are riding on a weird, think, wavy line with handling this. I do understand those emotions. On a different level, I used to be able to hold on to grudges like nobody else. I had a photographic memory of everyone who did me any harm (and sometimes no real harm was done, but I used to take everything as a personal attack) and all of the circumstances revolving around anything/anyone who pissed me off. After I committed adultery, so many things came clear to me. First and foremost were all of MY problems that I did not ever address, and holding grudges was at the top of the list.
I went and saw a psychic. (Actually she calls herself an "intuitive". I never believed in this stuff, but along with all of the therapy I was going to go through to address my issues, I thought 1 more insight might be of value.) This woman did a "reading" and I was amazed.... she nailed so many things right on. She wasn't speaking in random, blanket statements, like..."someone in your family had blue eyes", but was nailing down specifics. Exact facts.... it amazed me.
She knew of the infidelity because my wife had gone, but she knew nothing of me personally. She explained what she did and how she went about it, and the reading began. The first thing she told me was, "You hold a lot of grudges.... you are also very hard on yourself." She went on to say that "you're grudges help breed more discontent for yourself." She went on and basically pointed out the 2 major grudges I was holding at the time, and more or less named everyone I was holding accountable for them.... it was too real and too weird.
She leaned forward, put a hand on my knee and grabbed my left hand in her right hand. She said, "you don't know how to let go of grudges, but I am going to help you get rid of all grudges." She did some weird witchcraft thing (that I never would have believed in a million years) and said, "it's time to let go of those grudges". She instructed me to take a deep breath, think about the grudges, exhale, and those grudges would go away. I did as instructed, and I could literally feel those grudges leave my body... like a ton of weight being removed from my chest. She also told me that I had to forgive the 2 major people involved, which was effortless at that point.
I said all of that to get to this. Sorry it took all of that to get here. I've not forgotten what happened and how it "screwed me over". I can't forget it. But I all of a sudden saw it all in a different light. I saw the selfishness on the other peoples behalf and realized that I had very, very little control over what happened. No control in fact, other than control over myself and how I thought of it.
I'll still hold those accountable, but I no longer have to do it with anger. I no longer even have the need to voice my opinion regarding the situation. I got past that with the "voodoo lady", as I call her. I think you can get there too. I think there is a protective mechanism that is keeping this closer to the front of your brain/memory than the back of it. (It's a primal instinct, is what I learned in therapy sessions)
Do you have hobbies or things you like to do? Maybe you can immerse yourself in those things, or start something new. I do think this forum is a great place for venting and getting crap off of your mind, and I cannot tell you how valuable this site has been for my wife and myself.
I wish you deeper peace. I know you can get there, and I know you don't necessarily want this to run your life. It will always be a part, but it can play a smaller part.
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