Does it still go threw your mind

[lor662]

It has been 4 years,,im still with him,,He has changed completely,,he tells me he loves me every single day,,he says it was a wake up call for him,,Thing is i suffer in silence every single day like the first,, still till today,,i will be honest and say he also gave me a wake up call,, and i could never look at him the same way ever again,,there is not a single day that whent by that i did not have a thought of what he has done to are family and my self,,do i trust him,,Definatley ,,but in my heart i really dont care,,its not a trust issue for him to repeat it again,,its what he did and all the lies for months,,it makes me feel like a fool and shows no respect for my well being,,to me he laughfed and took advantage of my trust and took a chance to loose me ,,i lost are home and everything we ever worked for is gone all because of his disregard for himself and mine,,i not only struggle now i blame him for it,,but not to his face,,in my mind,,and every day i look around me its a reflection of what he has done,,I DO NOT THROW IT IN HIS FACE I ADMIT I USED TO ALL THE TIME AT THE BEGINING,,but i do not anymore ever,,i just keep it to my self,,and if im with him and i do see woman glance him,i dont say a word but it even doubles my daily thought,,Any one feel this way

[lor663]

Yes i agree,,problem was i thought i had the means to leave,,but when the affair was discovered,,that was all gone ,,basicaly stay in the house and survive till they came and took it all,,then my husband rented us a place that was nothing like home nothing ,,i was shocked that after working so hard that the man i spent many years with could do this,,i worked just as hard for are things as he did,,if he wanted to go be with her we could of seperated and put the house up for sale,,i would of happily split it all half and half,,so it all whent together ,,and im glad you have this value of thinking for your daughter,,you are a great mom

[lor663]

Its not taken taken the wrong way,at all,,I think everyone who goes threw infidelity i dont believe truly forgives,,if they did ,,the subject would be a closed forever,and would never be brought up again,,sure you will never ever forget,,but trust issues i feel  some its there ,i feel in some form i have forgiven in the fact that i do not bring the subject up to him ,,i do not have trust issues with him and i moved on in that sence,,but i still am deeply hurt inside,,and i guess thats the not forgetting part,,i treat my husband with respect even after everything,,im the same person to him i was befor Only i have changed the way i look at him feel about him,,And ya everything he has done to our family,I dont want to ever treat someone the way he treat me,,i believe throwing it or brining the subject up would be a waste of time and the answers i might need or resolve would not be accomplished,,maybe thats why i suffer in silence cause i deal with this myself,,But i do no alot of men and woman cheat,,but i think when you get harrassed and go bancruft far exceeds this affair,,thanks

[brice1967]

I want so much to comment on this thread, but I know it will be taken the wrong way.  It usually does because of all of the emotions involved with this ultra sensitive subject.

What I cannot wrap my head around is the fact of staying in something that "hurts" so much.  To me, and just me.... and I know I cannot put logic into the illogical aspects of the subject.... it seems to counterproductive to stay in something that hurts so much.

I've heard both men and women who've been cheated on tell of how much pain they constantly go through because of this, and that they do not have the ability to forgive, but yet they allow the person who caused them so much pain be right there in front of them for years to come.... sometimes forever.  Personally, that would be like reliving the affair every single day.  (Although the affair is over, not being able to forgive allows this person/reason to be right there on a constant basis.)

I really really fell the pain especially regarding lor663.  I believe I saw above that you wanted a separation, but he would not comply.  At this point, why does his concerns regarding a separation even matter?  We are talking about your mental health and sanity, not his.  Respectfully.... to me it seems as if you are both on completely different wave lengths at all times.  It seems as if you are putting his concerns ahead of yours, in lieu of your health and sanity.

Granted, a separation or divorce will not make the pain go away, but it sure as hell won't go away with the constant reminder standing in front of you every day.  Not being able to acknowledge change is standing in the way of progress, and it can be because you are too hurt.  And if that is the case, why stay in the marriage?

There is so much help out there.... so, so, much help.  I know you can find yourself again, but not if you constantly have that reminder in front of you.  I think you need to realize that you do have a choice in this matter right now!  You can stay and work on it, but only if you want to.  Doing that takes a giant amount of work on your behalf as well.  And no, it isn't fair... you didn't ask for this, but if you stay you are asking to stay.

I wish I could offer something, just anything to make this make sense.  For me, anything that has been a constant reminder of hurt is something that I tried to get away from.  I think it is that distance that allows us to heal sometimes.  Not heal as in coming back into the marriage, if that is not your desire... but to heal as to find yourself again and move on.  The affair will always be there on some level, but there is a getting past it.  Perhaps it will take removing the constant reminder, your husband from being in your face all of the time.

I wish you peace, and I hope to gain a better understanding of why you stay through your misery.  That cannot be a healthier alternative than moving on at this point.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I wasn't concerned that You would bring emotional harm to Your Children regarding his affair - Your husband gets credit for that since Your Children learned of his indescretion in such a horrible way.  I simply wondered if You still had Children at Home.  The only thing I would worry about Your 15 year old Daughter is I would hope She isn't learning what a Woman should "expect" or "accept" in a Marriage if She found HerSelf to be unhappy in Her own Marriage.

My goal for my Daughter was that She have a Career so that if Her Marriage did go bad She would have more choices than I did.  Today, She is a Nurse and Her salary is 3x's that of Her Husband.  If Her Marriage failed She has the means to leave if She were to feel a need to do so.  She has the means to support Her 3 Daughters.  Truth is She's not real  happy in Her marriage BUT She doesn't feel "trapped" and that's good enough for me!  AND I'm grateful that Their issues are not about unfaithfulness!!)

[lor663]

Yes i have a 15 year old daughter,and she is in grade 10,,but i never argue or discuss anything in front of her ever,,

[TTinKKerBBell]

lor, do You have Children left at home?