Need some advice....opinions...

[alli224]

Ok, so I wasn't sure where to post this so I thought I would just try here. I really just want some advice and opinions on my situation.  This is a long story, but I will try to make it short. So here goes.....
My Mother died in 2002. It was devastating to me and I still have bad days. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Well, when all of this was going on with her death and funeral and going through personal belongings, a few things came up.  We were going through pictures and my Father gave me 4 pictures and told me my Mom would want me to have them. He said he didn't who it was but he knows she would want me to have them. Ok, so I asked my oldest sister about them and she said she thought it was this guy my Mother evidently had an affair with. I said, wow....I look like that man. My sister just looks at me and says.....I think that may be a possibility. There is soooooo much more to this story. We moved to a different town when I was born and found out this man moved down the street from us. Ok, so I wont bore everyone with all the details and everything I have found out. I just want some opinions and advice how to handle it. It has bothered me for 8 years. I confronted the man and he says no and I have a wonderful Father. Thats all he says. Well, I am not going to say anything to my Father. I would not want to ever hurt him. I have looked into getting a siblingship test done with my oldest sister and she said she would do it. My thing is, I do wanna know, but Iam afraid of what I am going to find out, and I am afraid how it will make me feel.  I think I may feel lost, like my whole life has been a lie. I am scare but on the other hand I think it is important, just for health reasons too. I am 40, and I think, well, I have gone this long, so m aybe I should just put it to rest. I know It will always bother me. Iam just confused as to what to do.
I would so much appreciate any advice.
Thanks for reading and sorry it is so long.... I seriously think I could write a book about this :)

[AnxiousGurl]

I know how you feel. I also didn't know that my legal father was not my biological father. I actually didn't know either of them(long story) Once I found out that my legal father and biological father were two different people..I just HAD to contact my Biological father. There was a part of me that I felt was missing, I wanted closure and I wanted to know his medical history too, Even if I didnt get a friendship or father-daughter relationship out of it, I still needed to know. So I contacted him in 2008. Although I didnt get the closure or a great relationship out of it (we do speak from time to time) ATLEAST I got to know his medical history and that he's even out there. It used to drive me crazy wondering if he's passed me on the road or at a theme park. It seems in your case that maybe just finding out and getting his medical history would be enough. I wouldn't let this pass you by if its something that you cant get off your mind....you have every right to know your medical history even if he doesn't want a relationship with you. If your like I was, and a little scared or hesitant to find out....it wouldnt hurt to talk to a counselor or somebody to help you through the process. I couldnt imagine being in your position, at your age, having a a father figure in your life and not knowing that some other man is your biological father. Just remember, the father figure you've grown up with is your real Dad, ~*any man can be a father but it takes a REAL man to be a Daddy!*~ Hang in there and do what's best for you. Best of luck :) *hugs*

[kitty51]

Yep Teko i agree !1 whether things turn out good or not people do need to know that s for sure...

[teko]

I think each person has a right to know who their Mom and Dad is, biologically. With that said, your father that raised you is your father that you love and you always will. This is only my opinion, I also think all adopted people have a right to know they are adopted. You have a right to know who you are and where things stand in your gene pool.

[aheart]

Hi aili, You might consider this, it sounds like he has alot of respect for your father that raised you and he may be reluctant because he knows it might create problems. Appreciate the man that was there for you through everything, you may have to wait awhile to know the real truth. Good luck to you, I went through something simular and I can say "be careful what you wish for"

[alli224]

Thank you for your advice. That makes a lot of sense. You seem to understand how Iam feeling. I think I am searching for answers, Iam just afraid of the answers.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and replying.
:)

[kitty51]

Your dad is ya dad no matter what he has had you since birth,if the other man is your father you wont automatically love him and not the other one.Blood isnt always thicker than water,the whole biological doesnt change that.I agree with you about the medical thing,but also you have the right to know who your biolgical father is.You say you would feel lost if you find out the truth,well maybe you are already lost and thats why you are asking for opinions.Only some one that has had similar experience or close to it can really understand.Dont think that your life has been a lie,you had a good mum and dad didnt you that loved you.now that s no lie(,the truth if it ) go find out,otherwise you might wish you did down the track when it too late.I had a non biological dad he was the best..My real dad has come into my life only in the past couple of years and i probably wont ever get that attachment to him as i had with my other dad.Anyway i hope that you decide the best thing for you,in your heart you will know what to do,but do it for you and no one else or whatever anyone here says,but you asked and we all gave you our opinoins.So good luck either way...

[alli224]

Thanks to you all for giving me advice. It feels good to read different opinions.  Jenkaye.....I often ask myself that same question, if I would be able to live with the choice I make. Iam not sure how I would feel to find something like that out......for sure....All I know is not a day goes by that I do not think about it. It really bothers me alot just the medical factor of things......
If my Father or this other man would pass away I would never know the truth..

[jenkaye21]

I understand where the other two posters are coming from, but I think, personally, I would have to know the truth.  If your father was the one who insisted you take the pictures, chances are he already knows or suspects something.  Why else would he want you to have them and not your sis?  
In any case, a father is a man who raises you, provides for you, and loves you, and it sounds like you had/have a good one.  Biology doesn't count for much, although it may be nice to know if you have a different biological father, if only for medical reasons.  Any relationship beyond that, if you even are related, would have to be agreed upon by both parties.
When I'm faced with a tough decision like yours, I try to ask myself if I will be able to live the rest of my life with the choice I make.  In your case, if this man and/or your father would pass away, wold you ever be able to know the truth?  Does it matter?  Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

[LIZZIE LOU]

personally...i would just let it go.  you approached this man and he had the perfect opportunity to tell you IF he was your father.

i guess my questions are...how would your life change if he was actually your father?  would this knowledge "better" your life?

[ILADVOCATE]

I don't know. I found out some unpleasant information about my stepfather after he passed on (20 years ago) although I'd rather not detail what but its similar to what you describe. Since it wasn't affecting anyone who was alive now I decided to let you go and put it in my past. However, its your life and your decision and you can think about it and discuss it with people you know and perhaps a talk therapist and come to a decision you believe to be the right one.