Is it me or just his desire for someone else

[connflower]

My husband has trouble getting and maintaining an erection everytime we try to have sex he never had any problem untill he got caught cheating or I should say trying to cheat. At first I thought it could be from guilt but since then we have talked and I have found out he wants to have a one time fling and have sex with someone else. He had told me awhile back that he didnt find me sexauuly attractive but now is telling me he does yet he still cant get an erection or if he does he cant keep it and it seems to go soft when we start to have sex or if he see's me naked! I have a nice body I weigh about 105lbs and he never went soft before we started having problems. Plus he can get an erection if he looks at porn or other woman he has even told me that one of my friends that he finds hot and sexy and beautiful turns him on and he has gottan a hard on just by looking at her he also has a strong desire to have sex with her and even though he knows it hurts me when he tells me this he will still ask me if I would let him make the moves on her! But when ever he gets hard from watching porn if I touch him he goes soft. So is it the fact that he doesnt find me sexaully attractive and that's why he cant get hard or if he does he cant keep it .

[laminas]

I hope you find a solution that you can HAPPILY live with.  If you intend on staying and plodding along, be carefull of what you tell him he can do.  Before you tell him that he can go sleep with someone esle to help his 'problem', seriously concider how it will make you feel.  If he does sleep with someone else and is then able to maintain an errection and have sex with you, how will it make you feel?? Will you be able to have sex with him after knowing he has been with someone else??

Good luck.

PS. I really hope this is just a phase or midlife crisis he is going through and he just snaps out of it before any more real damage is done.

[connflower]

Hell No that ***** no longer lives here and hasn't for over a year now ! We hardly speak she tried to blame my husband for everything and up to a point that is true but it was not all his fault! She has always been jealous over me and my husband because he has always taken care of our famliy and our bills I helped too but he always took care of me if I got sick with the flu or what ever and this may sound dumb but she was even jealous because even if my hisband was going to to corner store he would kiss and tell me he loved me before he left and has never hit me and he has let me knock him for a loop a few times but he deserved it when he tried to f my sister he's lucky to still be walking! My sisters husband beat on her and was a drunk and even though he had a very good job and she didnt have to work she was never happy because of the way he treated her ! Then he lost his job due to drinking and internet porn and to top it off she found out he is gay or what ever but I have always been there for her even after the first time the **** happend with her and my husband I let her *** move back in because they got evicted and had no where to go but I only agreed because she had my neice call me and ask if they could move in and to be truthful I said NO my husband was the one who said yes and talked me into it because of the kids so he says! But I think that was bull ****! But since the last time she lived here I have got over all of that yes I do still have doubt and the reason for that is because he could not give an answer that made any sense to me But I still forgave him and I have been trying to get my trust back but it is realy hard when he has not been able to get an erection or if he does maintain it since this happend the first time 4years ago ! And I told him if your desire to have sex with another woman is the problem then go get some and I will try to get over it but he wants me to have sex with another man in order for him not to feel so guilty! Guess what I told him Go to hell!! I'm not going to help you to keep from feeling guilty and if its ok with him for me to have sex with another man and it would not bother him then how can he say he loves me? But he says he does love me he just feels I should be able to do it too but I dont have the desire to do it and I dont want to do it !

[laminas]

I can't see if you mentioned if your sister is still living with you or not.  I know she is family but it seems to me that while she is living with you, you will not be able to sort through these problems.  I can only imagine the thoughts you may have had going through your head wondering what goes on while you are not in th house.

Secondly, If she does continue to live in the house, i think you have to take charge of setting the boundaries for her.  She is your sister, not his.  You tell her that you expect some sort of rental contribution, discuss how much you expect and how she should go about paying rent.  If you work and she doesn't, talk to her about taking on more responsibility with the house work.  After all, she is using your electricity, water, phone, etc.  

Thirdly, it seems like you are looked at as being a bit of a maid in the household.  You cook and clean for your husband, yourself, your sister and her kids.  Your husband may be seeing you more as a maid than as a beautiful intelligent woman.

Lastly, i think your husband is acting like a selfish, self-centred juvenile.  He wants his cake and to eat it too. I can't see anywhere where he has said he wants to leave you.  It sound like he is happy knowing you are willing to do anything for him while he fantasises and hits on your sister and friend too.  He is your husband, and his priorities should be you, your relationship and your lives together.  

I'm sorry I can't help with your sexual problems but I think there are things you can do to make your lives and household just about the two of you.  It doesn;t sound like this is the best time for your sister to be living with you.  He should also not be seeing your sister or your firend.  

[connflower]

The night that he tried to cheat with my sister my husband and I had stayed up all night having sex and we went for atleast five hours ! and after we were done I had fell alseep and thats when he went down stairs to my sisters room and tried to make love to her ! his words and her words not mine! anyway I asked him why he went downs stairs to her instead of trying to wake me up for more because he knows I would have been more than willing and he said that he felt like one of those guys in a porn movie and that he could go all night and that he wanted to make love to her for several reasons such as she had turned him on for along time she was always teasing him and she would always talked bad about me and that he not only had wanted her for years but he thought she was hot and sexy and pretty and he also felt she owed him because she had been living with us for awhile and he was supporting her and her kids and that she made him to beleive she wanted him but he said that he had been watching porn now and than and he wanted to do things like those guys did and he also wanted to have sex with another woman too! After everything cooled down I told him we need to talk and be hinest with each other about desire we had! But that back fired on me because he then told me he wanted to put the moves on one of my good friends to see if she would want to have sex with him he told me he thought she was hot and very sexy and beautiful ! It killed me and I told him I would knock the **** out of him if he did or if he ever said that again and that if he wanted to have sex with someone eles then to go out and look somewhere eles and not to either hit on my friend or sister ! And he has ask me 3 more times about my friend and I told him go for it ! I dont care but be ready for the consequences  that it may brings you !

[connflower]

We have been together 25 years and married 18 and yes I have tried everything I can to spice up our sex life and I have even told him to tell me what he would like to try and that I would try it and he has and I have done it but it doesnt matter. I have even worn sexy lingrie and I mean sexy and one night he didnt even notice I had it on ! And I looked hot not to be conceaded but my daughter inlaw and son lives with us and I should her what i was wearing and she couldnt beleive he didnt notice his best friend even freaked out ! He didnt see what I wore but he said as sexy as I am to him he couldnt imagine for my husbandnot to notice! And I have forgiven him for what he has done and I dont bring it up if he does then I will talk about it but otherwise I have let it go!

[connflower]

He has tried to cheat with my sister and they both say she turned him down I still have some doubt that they are telling the truth and they may not have the first time he tried and I can almost beleive that but he then tried a second time and not only my gut says I'm right but both of their action with each other tells me too! And why I say that is because in the 25 years my husband and I have been together he has never had a problem telling anyone including her off and he didn't care if it pissed anyone off or not but all of the sudden he would do everything he could to keep peace between them two instead of me and him! And all of the sudden his reason for this is because she was not his wife and he had no right to either say anything to her or anything but she was living in our home she would not pay rent or buy food she didn't have to work or pick up after herself and kids ! I had to! I also had to work and keep things clean and cook dinner ! And I felt and said to him why is it ok for you to support her and her 2 kids but not support your own wife? And his excuse for that was he felt he didn't have any back up from me and that I left him alone to deal with her only that is wrong because when I would ask her about paying rent she would say he said he would let me know how much and he hasn't told me yet or if it was about getting a job she would say he told her she didn't have to work or if she wasn't going to work she had to cook his dinner on the night I worked! And everytime I would tell him what she said he would say he was suppose to tell her how much rent she had to pay but he hadnt and when it came to her working he said it was not his place to make her work because she was not his wife! But when ever our 3 children would ever have to move home they had to work and pay rent! He never had treated her that good for the last 25 years we have been together untill then! And also after the first time he tried to have sex with her he has not been able to get hard or if I am lucky enough to get him hard he can't maintain it from start to finish. And when I do get him hard it takes alot of work but yet he can look at not only her or now one of my ex-friends and get an erection or Ihave seen him get rock hard just by looking at woman on porn and as soon as I touch him he goes soft! He has also told me that he has a very strong desire to have sex with another woman just to see if he missed out on anything and to see what its like . ( I was not his first persay but I was the first woman he had ever been with that knew what she was doing and taught him was it was all about! I don't know what to do I am so screwed up in the head because I cant understand why he would want anthother woman even for a one time sex fling if he loves me! I have had it ! I am 47 years old and I am down to 100lbs because he said I was fat at 130 I am 5'4 thin build and take care of my self know one has ever guest that I was 47 years old. what can I do? there is more but it's just to hard to go into today. please help me

[laminas]

How long have you been married and in a relationship with your husband.  Could your husband be feeling jaded or bored in the bedroom.  This would not be your fault or anyting you have done.  Have you tried varying your sexual activities, like watching porn with him, using toys, role playing.  I don't think it's your responsibility to spice up your sex life, it's something you both have to do together.

This is just my opinion on the attempted cheating and desires for other women.

If I discovered my partner had cheated or tried to cheat, this would affect our relationship communication wise, trust wise and sexually.  Individually, you would have to decide if it is something you can overcome and forgive.  If you love your huband and want to continue the relationship you will both have to admit and accept what has happened, forgive and work on moving forward.  If either one of you can't move past this incident it may affect your relationship for a long time.

Sexual fantasies about another woman are a bit different.  I don't think it is abnormal for a man to have sexual fantasies about another woman.  If he has divulged these fantasies to you and you felt uncomfortable with them and they upset you, he should have acepted your feelings and dropped the issue.

I wish your marriage luck and hope everything works out.

[john911]

Psychological problem with him nothing wrong with you. What do you mean trying to cheat like about to or he couldn't do it?