what is wrong with me?

[JianaValrial]

i am a 16 YO trans female to male, for years i have had this thing where the people i have always been afraid of or that i thought were cool see through my eyes and watch my every step. this starts in like 6th grade but really got bad freshman year. i can control who sees through my eyes and i act in a way to make them think im cool/intresting. this might be because of the bullying and constant need for validation i never got, i was not a "cool" child, i was actually quite annoying. its gotten to the point however in whitch ive started doing hard drugs while having them looking through my eyes (i can contrl when and sometimes i redo the situations they see because it wasnt perfect, idk if this is making any sense at all) and drinking heavily to make them all see that im not like i used to be. this is an everyday thing, happening from the moment i wake up to when i fall asleep. i dont knwo if this is an indecator of some sort of disorder or i just need validation. i can try and explain better if your confused because ve never told anyone about this so it might not make much sense.

[specialmom]

This was pretty hard to follow. But, I did pick up on the 'hard drugs'. What do you mean by that? Is this like numbing drugs that you aren't prescribed or do you mean psychiatric drugs prescribed? Guessing the first one since you mention drinking heavily too. I think on some level you know this will ONLY serve to make things much much worse. If you have low self esteem, any mental illness, any neurological issue such as adhd/add, autism, sensory, these practices will only serve to derail your entire life or ability to ultimately find your groove and function properly.  

Do you have any loving, caring adult that you trust? Is there an issue with feeling addicted at this point?

This is a funny world we live in. When young, we just want to belong and sometimes that is harder to feel like we do for some kids than others. Then the teen years hit and that is even more the case. We are self conscious and think it is US that needs to change. When in reality, we do our best to be our BEST self but also to not mask or be ashamed of who we are. Enjoy OUR things. Be OUR person. Follow OUR passions. Work hard at being kind and calm. And oftentimes, those quirky kids grow up to be amazing adults.

When we strive to be a 'cool kid' it means we don't think highly of ourselves. Strive to be authentic. You are okay as you are.

Have you talked to your parents about any of this? Have you considered therapy? Both CBT and DBT are great. CBT is about reframing thoughts and eradicating distorted thinking. DBT is about coping skills.