I do not want to believe in god,but i am also scared he might punish me. i also fear i will feel miserably for the rest of my life.I use to believe in god,but the it got out of hand(started doing rituals,feeling guilty because i was masturbating),then i become depressed,anxious and felt god left me alone on the earth,feeling it is all my fault.Now after years of treatment i still do not feel good and have moments when i feel the world is empty,that i do not belong anywhere,disconected,anxious.
On the other hand when i feel the worse,it is like i have broken a sacred rule,or something like that , and i can not be happy and enjoy myself anymore,and feel scared of the others because i get the feeling they sense my fear and guilt.It is like i have a 6 th sense of hell.I feel i am not me,i feel i am the evil version of me.and that is the most teryfing,depressing thing ever.
I take klonopin ,paxil and another anxiolityc. for depression and anxiety.
i have been like this for 7 years