Family question

[meg321]

I dont know if this is off topic or not, but  I am going to ask anyway.  I have a daughter who is 40 yrs old. We had one of our huge fights around Thanksgiving.  One of her problems amongst many is that she dosnt believe I am sick, from what she said, i think if I were lying in bad dying or crippled up she would believe it.  She also said that she had told her friends that i was sick and now she finds out that I was up and doing things. I told her I was full of meds to help me and i wanted to be my best while she was here.  She acts as if I am just faking all of this.  But I cannot handle all of the stress that her aguments cause me.  I cried so much and so hard last time that I couldnt breathe.  This not really like me, i have become such a wimp now.  But she says that just rip my heart out.   I have called a peace treaty intil after the holidays. But its still there no matter what I do.

This not new for her to do but its at a time when I cant handle it.  If anyone has any sugestions or have been thru this with family members, I would love to hear how you have handled it.  I know we are all different and we all have lots of history that is different so it might not work but we can try.

thanks, meg

[meg321]

I cant thank you enough for all your input and graet advice.  I could answer all of you individually if I had time but please know how much I love and appreciate all of you for being here for me and others.

I know her pretty well but lately she has gone to a place where i don't about.  I just pray that a door will be opened for me to say something or know something that wil help her.
I am not sure if she wants to know anything about this disease. She works at a hospital as a receptionist in ER and her mother in law is a physicians asst and her father in law is a family therapist,  She is surrounded with people that have some knowledge if she wanted to use it.

So we will see and i will keep you posted of any big changes ad thank you so much for taking the time to answer me.

Love to all of you, meg

[young at heart]

MEG,

I AM SADDEN THAT YOUR DAUGHTER HAS THE AUDASITY (SP) TO TREAT YOU THE WAY SHE DOES.

THIS HONKS ME OFF, SHE HAS ONE MOTHER, ILL OR NOT WE ARE STILL THE SAME KIND HEARTED MOTHERS THAT WIPED THERE TEARS,HELD THERE HANDS,LAUGHED AND CRIED WITH THEM.

YOU HIT A VERY GOOD POINT ON THE HEAD (SHE'S ANGRY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HELP HER FINANCIALLY).

MEG,SWEETIE AS A MOTHER OF 4,I'M YOU DAUGHTERS AGE AND ITS TIME SHE REALIZES YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST NATIONAL MAMA BANK OF GIVE ME.

IT'S TIME SHE REALIZES SHE NEEDS TO HELP HERSELF,REALIZE THAT MS IS A DISEASE INSIDE THE BODY.

NO MEG ,YOU ARE NOT WEAK,YOU EXHAUSTED FROM THE DISEASE AND THE FIGHTING,HER NASTY WORDS,THIS IS  ALL STRESSFUL AND UNNECESSARY.

YOU ARE MORE PATIENT THEN MOST MOTHERS,GOD LOVE YA.

YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS A REAL REALITY CHECK AND SHE NEEDS TO EDUCATE HERSELF ON MS.

I'M GLAD YOUR HUSBAND WAS THERE FOR YOU.

MEG,I CAN RELATE ALL TO WELL,BUT FROM MY SPOUSE(HE NOW HAS HIS OWN HOUSE)

ON MY DOORS I HAVE IT  POSTED,

NO SWEARING,
IF IT'S NOT DONE, DO IT YOURSELF
IF YOU HAVE COME TO PICK A FIGHT,DON'T ENTER
MY DISEASE MAYBE NOT BE VISABLE TO YOU,BUT THESE LEG BRACES AREN'T COSTUME JEWLERY.
IF YOU HAVE COME TO VISIT AND I MUST LIE DOWN DON'T BE AFFENDED
HERE WE LIVE IN PEACE

AND A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FOOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS HAS MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE.

MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU , YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS COUNSELING IN DEALING WITH HER LIFE AND COMING TO TERMS THAT YOU ARE ILL.

MAY THE HOLIDAYS BE MORE PEACEFUL FOR YOU.

HUGS

T-LYNN

[doublevision1]

Meg, it is shameful how your daughter is treating you at this time.  The only thing advice I have to add to everyone else's, is to bring her along to a medical appt with you, and have your physician explain your symptoms to her.  Some people need to hear such things from a professional in order to believe it has any validity.  That is, only if you have a decent doc.  If s/he is dismissive and not helpful to you, leave your daughter home!!  That would only make matters worse.

This is a confounding disease.  On the one hand, so many symptoms are invisible (as is the case with me at the moment, now that my crooked eyes have straightened out).  I feel lucky that I can walk, talk, and act 'normal.'  As I disclose to more people in my life, they are surprised because "I look so good."  I want to be treated the same as I always have been by the people in my life.  I don't want pity.  Yet when I'm suffering a bad bout of fatigue, escalating nerve pain in my hand, full body tingling and numbness from just walking a few blocks, I wish they could be in my body for one minute just to grasp what it's like.  I guess selfishly, I want a little credit for doing as well as I am despite how I'm feeling.  Not that this would change anything I guess.

The need to talk with someone who truly understands, is the glue that holds us all together in this group.  Because no one in our own lives (unless they too have MS or some similar mysterious, painful, uncomfortable, debilitating scary disease) can ever really know.  That said, this is no reason to doubt or disbelieve or minimize what we are going through.

Quix, thank you for posting the link to Jason's journal entry.  I was just thinking of this yesterday and was going to start digging for it.  This post was very timely.

[Auspiciousme]

Hello.  I think MS Society has a booklet called "but you look so good"  (I am not 100% sure about the title) which explains that people with MS can look just fine but they may be in a lot of pain, discomfort, etc.  I think you should call MS Society (or go their website) and ask for some brochures about MS and give it to your daughter so she could educate herself to see what you are going through.  When I was diagnosed, I was a single mom of a 8 years old boy.  All of sudden i couldn't do some of the things I used to do with him.  Some mornings I felt so sick and my legs hardly moved and I had to ask my dad to come give him a ride to school.  It was very scarey for him and I wasn't sure how to handle it porperly.  So, I got a little booklet from the MS society that explained MS in a very simple language for kids and we read it together.  I also talked to his school counsuler and he went for a few sessions and talked to her which helped him a lot.  You should do the same for your daughter.  You can't force her to go to therapy but you can at least give her the books and tell her to study them so she could understand you better.  A lot of our symptoms don't have a "look"!  
Stress is not good for anyone let alone people who have MS.  Try to avoid it as much as you can.  I wish you the best.

[biowham]

Bride at every wedding corpse at every funeral? That's the negative end of the interpretation spectrum that could cover your daughter. She's creating a drama with her at the center. Maybe she doesn't like having you at the center with your illness because it takes the spotlight off of her.

Alternatively, but along a shared path at the less negative end of the interpretation spectrum, is it possible that your daughter is scared because her mother has a potentially degenerative, progressive illness? Maybe she's getting mad at you because you, the Mom Who Did Everything, is showing her the first signs that people simply don't last forever.

If that doesn't fit--and I suspect that it doesn't--she needs to back off. I'd say that if she brings it up again, refer her to literature for family members of people with MS. The information will let her know that sometimes, people with MS *look* fine even when they are very much not fine. She'll learn, if she bothers, that people with MS can start off with energy but have it flow away very rapidly, so they can still *do* certain things, just not as long. I'd say that any time she brings up her skepticism, refer her to these materials. It's not your business to defend yourself to your uninformed, heartless daughter. It's her business to get informed.

Bio

[Quixotic1]

First, your daughter is a manipulator and not just a little mean-spirited.  If the two of you were to get some very skilled family counseling it might make a difference, but I'm not sure.  At age 40 she has decided how she wants to behave toward her family and how she benefits from upsetting them.

I agree that there are many things written that could help if she chose to read them.  So that is a great option.  I also believe that someone other than you might be more effective in giving them to her.

There is also a poignant essay written by a member, JASON, in his journal.  I think it says what we all would want to say.

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/5699

This kind of of behavior by people in our own family cuts deep into our souls.  I'm so sorry you have this going on.  I truly hope that she will lay low for the holiday.  I hope that others who have tackled this can offer some insights.

You have our support and love.

Quix

[essdipity]

Gosh, we've had lots of similar discussions here. It hurts horribly when the people we most care about react that way. Many members have reported this kind of experience with husbands, kids, significant others. I haven't heard often about screaming matches and big confrontations, as it's usually little digs, eye rolling and so on.

One suggestion is to go to the Nat'l MS Society Web site and look at their publications. They are downloadable, or I think you can send for their info in pamphlet or booklet form. They have one in particular called something like,"But You Don't Look Sick" that might help a lot. The best solution is to try to put aside the justifiable anger and get this gal educated about MS. She clearly isn't informed, and if this came from a person other than you, or from a publication, she'd have to pay attention.

Let us know how this goes. Your question is not off topic at all.

ess

[meg321]

Thanks, i also believe therapy helps but I have had lots of for a lot of years.  But i did talk to her about it, at first she didnt think she neede it..LOL  And I always avoid the fighting but she wants it so she will wait me out.  And you are right about another person, my husband was here last time or i dont know how i would have handled it alone.

If she would just realize i cant do the things I used to do now. She is angry at me...and I dont have the money to help her out now and she is so good at guilt trips and I am weak...LOL

thanks, its good to talk regardles if there is anything we do about it or not.

hugs, meg

[Sunnytoday]

Wow, um... this brings a bunch of painful thoughts out. My sister isn't handeling this very well, and perhaps when I have the time and peace i will share it with you.

For now, I will pray that you survive the holidays, and ask that you are able to get a mediator, or other human body between you and your daughter to stop the painful things she is saying before she goes to far. Your husband or another daughter or close friend would be good to keep close at hand. If this is not feasible, just remove yourself from the room quietly when she starts saying things like that, and remember, that you are loved, and whatever is causing her anger, you are not to blame yourself and above all, you DO have a disease and that crying is ok, it cleanses the soul. :) Um, and perhaps a counselor would be helpful to help you with coping techniques so you can react better and stem off her appraches to this subject, and also handle the stress. I'm also looking at going to one myeslf. Good luck and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
~Sunnytoday~