Staying Positive

[HVAC]

I am having a harder time staying positive these days but I find it is so important. Today I watched my hair fall out even though I shave my head a week ago. My shower is covered in little black hairs. I am not Pollyannna and never will be. I think acceptance and adaptiblity are crucial in facing any illness whether it is MS or a life threatening Cancer. I can't taste so eating is no fun. Everything tastes really bad because of the chemo and I get sick even drinking water. Still I do what I can to survive. I even take a sponge full of water at a time. I have to have goals to get me through the worst times. When I am really sick and vomiting from Chemo instead of thinking about the pain and discomfort and the fear of death I think about when I will ride Clara again. I make little goals like brushing my teeth, taking a bath, walking to the mail box. When I can't hang on for myself I think of all those around me who want so badly for me to make it. Sometimes I drink water for them when I just don't want to anymore.

I have to have a sense of humor even a sick one at times. It keeps me going. I have to have dreams for the future. I have to adapt to my circumstances which change all the times. I have to tell myself it won't all ways be bad even when it feels that it will be bad. I have to have hope. I have to live on the power of love. I have a lot of people who really love me and would miss me if I were not here. I have to think about that when I am really sick.

Distraction is my best friend. I have to distract myself from pain, and fear, and sadness. I can wallow in it and let it sink me or I can get rid of the negative as best I can. I am in the fight of my life and it is not easy but the lessons I have learned are making it easier. People say I am calm inspite of what I am going through. Living as much in the moment as I can helps. When the moment is bad I make goals to either improve it or to look to a better time.

The other night I was in real pain and I was dangerously dehydrated and had been throwing up violently for several days. I made an action plan. I decided to meet with the pain clinic and to ask if there was anything to be done for my symptoms. I decided I had to drink even though I no longer wanted to. I started with mouthfuls of water until finally I could drink a whole glass several days later. I thought about things in my life I wanted to do, things I still want to do and things I have never done. I started a bucket list. I also thought about getting my affairs in order, wills, living wills and the like. Things I have put off. Doing these things has taken some anxiety away, instead of dreading it. I have been real honest about how I feel about the Cancer and my MS. I do not sugar coat what I have but I also realize there are worse things. I am grateful that I am as well as I am in spite of things.

I thinks bout others in my life. It is easy to get wrapped up in yourself. It is not just me who has MS and cancer it is my family and friends. They suffer with me for better or worse. It will be them who is left to mourn not me. It is humbling to have people tell you how much you mean to them and how they do not want to lose you. I realize I have a responsibility so many people. I do not have the luxury of giving up.

Sometimes I fight this awful cancer purely with anger. Someone gave me a hat which says "F----" Cancer and that is how I feel. I am not happy about the illnesses I have been given, but I am going to use every tool in my box to fight them with.

I can be miserable but I do not want anymore pain than is necessary. I can think of a lot of worse things. When I was diagnosed with MS I was crushed but I learned it really was not the end of the world. Now I am facing a very deadly, painful cancer but that is not the end of the world either. I have to break things down sometimes moment by moment. I have to lean on others. I have to distract myself. I have to laugh especially at myself. I have to figure out what I need and then work on getting it. So far my problems do have solutions for the most part. I have lots of people who love and care about me. I can break things down into workable pieces.

Alex

[rendean]

Alex,

I am sorry for the added and unecessary misery you have had to go through. You are correct, this is NOT right! Your beliefs and opinions are yours a nd your s alone. You should not have to endure "p-reaching from the medical staff. It is NOT in the job description.

I'm very glad you got to ride Clara!!! This is alwaya a high spot for you and you most certainly earned it!

Good news about a bout  your markers coming down. I am so sorry you feel so crap py. Between the Ms an the cancer , you have shown more stamina than anyone I've known.

Please know I am always here for you anytime you need to vent. In the meantime, know that I am thinking of you and sending ripples of good thoughts your way!!!

Hugs,
Ren

[HVAC]

I love Clara and I am so lucky to have Pat let me ride her. All the ladies at the barn are great. They came to ride when they were not scheduled just for me.

Today I took both Service dogs for a walk together by myself. Grady has really stepped up to the plate as a Service dog. The two of them out weigh me so if they decided to take off I would be in trouble. They were in perfect heel side by side on my left.

I love my cooling vest. I am sick right now but it does not matter. I guess it is the steroids. Only problem is I can't sleep with them. I have never done steroids for MS so this new.

Life is good again thanks all my friends.

Alex

[anon07072023]

Awww Alex, many hugs to you. We all keep each other going.

I think Chirley really hit the nail on the head when she said, "Sounds like the nurses in your clinic could do with some lessons in the psychology of illness and grief for what you are experiencing now is indeed grief."  

I know it's hard to be positive at a time in your life like this. You're going thru so much right now, and you don't really know what the future holds.  I don't know if I could really be positive either. I think that I would be up and down. It's hard to say.  I have a probable cancer diagnosis, but it's not the same as having a definitive diagnosis and going thru chemo and everything.  

Try to keep your chin up when you can.  I know that it's easier said than done. You're going thru a lot right now, including a lot of emotions, which is very understandable. I think riding the horsey is always an excellent idea. Whenever we would go down to see our horse before she passed, it was alway very relaxing.    

  

[HVAC]

Thanks everyone. My spirits are good today even though I am in the worst point of Chemo. I really feel I can fight this. The sad part I guess is facing breast cancer in the future because of my strong genetic mutation. I do not need PPMS, stage III c ( deadly ) clear cell ovarian Cancer and an 90% chance or breast cancer. It is hard for the nurses to look at the whole picture. They only see me as a person fighting Ovarian Cancer nothing more. I guess that is fair since I can only fight one thing at a time. If they saw the big picture may be they could understand how I am not a happy camper at the moment. I will accept this in time but it is all still new. I just found out about the breast cancer mutation three weeks ago and the Ovarian Cancer 7 weeks ago I am still very angry.

You guys keep me going.

Alex

[Sparkysarah]

I have not been on the forum for a while and so reading this post came as a bit of a surprise and I feel completely inadequate to even know how to help or how to find the right words. Alex I am so very sorry to hear of your dx'd of cancer and the terrible suffering you are going through at the hospital both mentally and physically. I am in admiration of your fighting rebellious spirit and am so glad that you went riding Clara. keep control of all the things that are possible in your life, do what you want whenever you want and just remember that there are many people on this forum who you have helped in the past with your wise words and empathy who are thinking of you.

Sending you love, hugs and courage from across the pond

Sarah x

[maxthecat43]

The way you are being treated in is awful!  People that work with cancer patients should have empathy!  I wish I could do something to help.

Tammy

[shermay]

I understand that this is really a US forum, but there is a lot to be said for the NHS in times like this.

The NHS would never chase you for payment and take your house.  It's a free system open to all - whether you are wealthy or not!

Yes I understand that the UK healthcare has a lot to answer for, but with Cancer patients it's all fair (I know this for a fact) and everyone is treated equally - race, colour,  beliefs, money etc......

I cannot believe that your going through this, I really can't.  Do you have to be 'well off' to be sick in the USA as it sounds like it - just from my opinion.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this attitude along with everything else on your plate, it is totally uncalled for.  I do agree that you should make a complaint before your next visit, and someone should step up to the plate, and account for their actions.

This is undue stress that you can do without. It's enough already.

4th July springs to mind!

Debs

[teenyturner]

Alex I feel bad for you. I know that trapped feeling.

You need to do whatever gets you through this and if that means withdrawing from any essential contact, then that's what you need to do.

I understand the cost problem.  I had to pay $42,600 for my chemo.  The health fund and government wouldn't help and the drug company would only pay for the chemo after I had paid for the first 6 cycles.  I was still working at the time but had to take sick leave, luckily I had income protection insurance so I got 75% of my wage but I still had to sell my house because I still had a mortgage and only my income.

These days almost all my costs are covered by either Medicare or my health fund and I receive a government disability pension.  I built a granny unti at the back of my parents house and that's where I live now.  

Jeez, I thought Australia's health care system was pretty bad but at least there is some attempt to provide privacy and comfort when you are doing it tough dealing with cancer and chemo.

I admit I get better treatment at my clinic than most patients who sometimes wait up to 2 hours to get a recliner chair for their treatment but because I can't take my wheelchair with me I can't get to the toilets if I sit in the main treatment area and so I get the room with bed and ensuite.

I didn't much like the nurses at my previous clinic (all young, slim, pretty and wearing designer labels) but the last straw was changing my treatment schedule without consulting my doctor just to make their workload lighter.

This clinic I go to now, the nurses are real people not Barbies.  I would tolerate a lot to have these better nurses looking after me.  It's not until you are faced with losing control over your body and treatment and place your trust that the medical staff and nurses do the right thing that you appreciate how important it is to have good people looking after you.

I have heard a patient in the next room abuse a nurse and yell at them for making her wait an hour for treatment.  The patient was quite nasty but when the nurse came in to me and I mentioned the abuse, she just replied that when working with sick people sometimes they express their fear through anger and that the nursing staff understand this and don't take it personally.

Sounds like the nurses in your clinic could do with some lessons in the psychology of illness and grief for what you are experiencing now is indeed grief.  Grief for your life the way it was before you became ill.

Enjoy your time from clinic and have a ride for me.  I haven't ridden a horse in twenty years.

All the best.

Chirley

[HVAC]

Chirley
They do not give a damn about my MS. They say that has nothing to do with my Cancer. I even get comments from the nurses about using my crutches. They do not like it when they ask why I have crutches and I say it for my MS. They challenge me on using them at all. The parking deck is a long way and the shuttles are impossible. I also can't bring my service dog because of the chemo so I need my crutches to keep people from running in to me. It is big hospital and it is crowded. When I have been it there sick I do not even get an exam table to lay on. They have short gynelogical short tables with stirrups only. You can't curl up on one. I could not sit up because my pulse was 140 resting and every time I sat up I got sick. I could barely stay up for them to put the IV in the port.I saw my doctor when I was sick  really sick after a three hour wait. one hour in the waiting room with my head between my knees. I had not seen her since surgery and that was six weeks. She was very worried and said she wanted to admit me then they sent me home after fluids telling me I was all better and I told them I felt the same. I went home and threw up for the next five days so it was wasted. I did not even see a Doctor to discuss the chemo. I had an intern who  knew nothing at all about my kind of cancer or my case. He could not answer one question. The nurse just handed me a bunch of hand outs. She told me I needed a port put in. The tube was hanging out my shirt. She asked how I got a port. I told her my Doctor put it in the hospital the day after surgery. Then I had to keep reminding her she needed to take blood. She said they had and I said no the Cancer hospital did for genetic testing that morning. She could not get that. Besides if they had taken blood they would have taken the needle out not sent me home with it. They are truly idiots. It was not even my Doctor who called me on the phone to tell me how bad the pathology report was. They had told my husband I had a 80% full recovery rate after surgery. She basically tells me I have a kind of Cancer only 6% of women with Ovarian Cancer get. I had to look it up on line to find out that it normally does not respond to treatment of any kind at Stage IIIc clear cell. So it would have been nice to discuss the chemo with my Doctor so I understand why they were doing chemo anyway. I can't afford anywhere but this State Hospital. My care is going to be  at least $20,000 out pocket and I have 36 months to pay it off before the State turns me into collections and goes after my house. We do not have that kinda of money. The other hospitals would be twice as much. Unfortunatley at UNC all Cancer except Ovarian is treated in a brand new state of the art facility with all the support and amenities. Ovarian is treated at the Women's hospital in clinic full of old women. The infusion room was an after though and old hall way. They do not even have real recliners and they are stacked on top of each other. It is truly a depressing room. I get anxious just walking in. You have to be there early to get a decent seat, some are worse than others. You have to wait on the one bathroom as well which gets desperate with all the IVs. They really do not have room for visitors. They curtained off somebody's visitor with me this time which was weird but that is how the chairs were. She was nice but I would have preferred not to talk to a stranger at that time nor have her here my whole medical story of vomiting and bowel movements they were grilling me on. I got so frustrated I told the nurse I like throwing up so she would stop talking about it in such detail in front of everyone. I had one nurse glaring at me from her desk the whole time until she finally yelled at me in front of everyone for not being nice to the patient who was bothering me. I had my ipod on and was falling asleep because of the IV benadryl and the nurse said I had to take my headphones of and listen to the lady telling me how "blessed" I was and say something nice back. I did not want to talk to this conservative lady and her husband with the huge cross on. I thought they would take a hint and go away. Instead the nurse forced me to say I was ignoring her because I do not like religion at which point I had two nurses yelling at me about religion and God so everyone knew what was going on. I felt shamed and wanted to hide. Everyone was staring at me like I had taken a dump or something. My husband was really angry when I told him when he got back. Then the nurse made polite conversation with him and me because she knew she had gone to far. Being a State University they do not need a religion controversy. They would even have to take down all the God posters. I do not want to take other people's inspiration I just want my need to be left alone respected. Besides I have few friends in the nursing staff now that they know I am not into God. I bet the next chemo goes worse for me. One nurse refused to treat me and handed me over too a more christian nurse who taking Bibles to Russia for her vacation. My nurse in charge of my case has God posters all over the exam room so I know she is of the same belief. She is the Clinic manager that is one reason I do not see a Doctor because she is a Nurse Practioner and runs the clinic. I do not trust her at all. She wonders why I never call her when I am sick. She does nothing helpful. As long as I get the chemo on schedule I intend to stay away from these people and have little contact. They do more harm than good.

Alex

Alex

[teenyturner]

Sorry, forgot to mention.... I was also bumped for treatment at my cancer treatment at Christmas.

My treatment was due Christmas week so they put it back a week. Fair enough...but then the nurse manager said they wanted a quiet week the following week too so the nurses could have some short days so they were going to bump me back another week as well.  I have treatment every three weeks so that meant I was almost going to miss out on a cycle entirely as well as being inconvenient for me because I had other things to do that week.  I told them I didn't want to be put back two weeks.  They didn't listen and booked me for when they wanted me to come.  I called the week I was due to have treatment and cancelled. They got stuck with the cost of my drugs ;-)  I refused to have any further treatment at that centre.  I now go to a closer centre which is much more efficient and they don't change the treatment cycle because they want a quiet day.

In this new centre I get a room to myself with an ensuite and a bed (much more comfortable than a chair when you're there for 5 to 6 hours).  I suppose I'm lucky because my doctor goes to three different treatment centers, so I could change.

Have you asked if you can lie down for your treatment due to your MS ? Does your doctor use other treatment centers?

Hugs

Chirley

[jensequitur]

Alex, you're such a tough cookie - I totally agree with you 100%.  This clinic should not be allowing these people to push religion on you, and it goes against their Hippocratic Oath - "First, do no harm."  

I'm also really glad this chemo is doing its job.  I have a coworker who has been through several kinds of chemo, and it doesn't seem to be making a dent in her tumor.  It's not growing, but it's not shrinking either!  She's getting angry, like you, but she's also close to despair.

Personally I believe that religion prevents you from thinking objectively about your disease.  They've shown that people who believe in the power of prayer do worse than those who don't pray.  I think it's because the people who do pray expect that to be effective, and aren't as good about taking their medication as the ones who don't pray.

[teenyturner]

Alex,  I'm pleased you went for a ride today. It's nice to hear that you are still able to do things which are enjoyable for you.

I think that no one should impose their beliefs on others, no matter what their history.  Everyone has baggage and strangers and even friends don't know what demons they are stirring up when they push their beliefs.

When I was young, my brother had just been diagnosed with Leukaemia and had needed numerous blood transfusions in the past few days.  We had spent those days at the hospital with him, it was touch and go.  He was eleven years old.

We arrived home to find some people in our yard eating the fruit off our fruit trees.  They immediately came over and started lecturing Mum and Dad that they had condemned my brother to torment eternally because of the transfusions.  My Mum started crying and sobbing but my Dad got angry and punched the man and grabbed one of the women by the arms and threw her out of the yard.  I was so young I didn't really understand but I still get that panicky anxious feeling whenever someone tries to bible bash me. (hope I don't put too many people offside with that comment).

I am not anti religion.  I hope people's religion provides the comfort they need.  However, I detest, indeed, hate, when people try to talk religion at me.  I tell them politely that I'm an atheist and that I am not open to people trying to sell religion to me.  If they persist, I tell them very bluntly that I find them annoying and that they are encroaching on my civil liberties to freedom of religion including non belief.  If they still persist, I tell them to f*^! Off.

Alex, can you make an extra appointment to see your doctor?  I see my doctor every treatment cycle but if I want to see him at other times I can make an appointment to see him in his rooms. Have you asked the clinic nurses what happens if you develop a fever or kidney failure etc?  Surely if you develop a complication they call in your doctor!  

I feel such great empathy with you.  I wish I could help somehow.

Hugs

Chirley

[Sarahsmom46]

Alex,

You are so dear to me as a friend and confidant.  Well before you were diagnosed with cancer you were sick and didn't know what was wrong with you and yet you were still positive about things.  When I was down, sick in the hospital and even now during my current hospitalization, you try to get my spirits up even though you feel so terrible.  It takes a special person to be able to care about others even when their own situation is so challenging.  

The other day when we were on the phone and I had to get off because the doctor had just walked in, he looked at my face and asked what was wrong.  I told him that I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself because i was just getting off the phone with a friend who is in a much worse situation.  He said something about the continuity of life despite difficulites or what not and I told him how hard you worked to keep a positive attitude with what you are going through.  He said that sometimes when we have so much stacked up against us we somehow find a way to see good.  It is not necessarily human nature to do so, but for those who can do it, they are very special. He said that I am fortunate to know you.  This is coming from a doctor, not what we would expect to hear, right.  

I hope you can still keep finding the good in life even if it is just looking at Grady and laughing when he does something silly like tear up your underwear or socks and bring them to you to show off.  (Not sure he does this but dogs do like to do these things).  :)  

You have so many people who care about you and what you are going through and you know you can call me anytime you want and I'll help you find the positive as best I can.  We are here for each other.  Hang in there my friend.  

Love and hugs,

Julie

[saucygrl]

Alex, I'm so glad that you got to ride Clara today!!  People drive me absolutely insane when they try to force their beliefs on me.  I have my own faith and feel closest to it in nature.  I do my best not to judge others and it drives me nuts when they don't offer the same!  No one can possibly know what we have going on in our lives or our internal thoughts and feelings.  I'm sending positive thoughts and hugs your way!  You are such an inspiration to others and those people don't have an inkling of who you are.  Give them a good swift kick if they bother you again!

Chris

[HVAC]

Chriley,
I asked my nurse about riding. She said oh have you talked to Dr. B about it his daughter has a horse I said yes but I have only seen the man once the first day when he said he was doing surgery. She said you will see him after you have had all your chemos. The nurse was trying to bump because they over booked the chemo the day before 4rth of July. My nurse is the manager so she figured I would be easy to bump a week or so. She thought wrong. If they do that I will skip a chemo all together I am not drawing this out.

They told me I can't ride so I went riding today and had a great time. Then I gave Clara a bath. I feel 100% better. Of course Clara stepped on my foot and I will lose my toe nail but I do not care.

My new attitude is as little contact with this clinic as possible. I am not calling them no matter what and I am only going in for four more chemos and then that's it. I am not going in for follow ups I will go somewhere else.

If God gets brought up again I am going to write it up in my State why health care advocacy blog. I think it is great that people have God to get them through. People just do not know my life story growing up in an abusive home with a father as a Navy Chaplain. They do not know the abuse I suffered in State hospitals when my pediatric MS was not understood so I was locked up as a child as mentally ill. Where I was raped by a doctor and beaten by nurses. I do not like anyone in the health profession to touch me and I have subject myself to it all the time. They do not understand I am between a life threatening Cancer and crippling MS. They do not understand this Cancer pushes me out of MS treatment. They think I should be thrilled to be alive. Sometimes I am. "Blessed" is not what I am feeling. Especially when I am getting such bad care.

Alex

[teenyturner]

Hi Alex, I'm gobsmacked to hear that not only did some unwanted strangers try to talk God to you but the nurses too....!!!

I was a nurse and part of our oath was to be impartial, unbiased, non judgmental and tolerant of all beliefs, faiths and the right to not have a faith.

These nurses need to be reported to the nursing registration authority.  Christianity is not the only religion.  Are there no Jews, Bhuddists, Muslims etc in that centre having chemo?

I've been in the position where my blood counts have been too low to have chemo.  I've never once had a nurse tell me this, i was always given the courtesy of being given this news by my doctor so we could discuss the timeline for the next cycle of chemo.  On the few occasions when my doctor wasn't at clinic another doctor would cover for him and tell me the news.  

I find it quite extraordinary that you are being treated like this.  You should not have to tolerate nausea and pain either.  There are so many extremely effective medications out there for chemo sickness and GI problems, you really need to sit down and make your doctor listen to you.

I feel blessed that I had a good doctor handling my chemo, I never once vomited and very rarely felt nausea, drugs are wonderful ;-)

Hang in there, it won't be long before your treatment is over and this will just seem like something that happened to someone else.  Meanwhile iPods, iPads and books are excellent at making the time go by quickly while you're having Tx.

Wishing you all the best.

Chirley

[debgen]

Oh Alex, the people at your chemo center should be ashamed of themselves :( I am so sorry that you have had to endeur even more pain.you are an amazing person who is a true inspiration to all of us. I hope that you stay well enough to continue the chemo. Keep fighting. I sure hope you get some relief soon. Please know that we all care about you and sending positive energy your way :)

Many (((hugs)))
Deb

[debgen]

Oh Alex, the people at your chemo center should be ashamed of themselves :( I am so sorry that you have had to endeur even more pain.you are an amazing person who is a true inspiration to all of us. I hope that you stay well enough to continue the chemo. Keep fighting. I sure hope you get some relief soon. Please know that we all care about you and sending positive energy your way :)

Many (((hugs)))

[Guitar_grrrl]

Alex, you are such an amazing woman!  I love the way you write - your honesty, your being present, your mindfulness.  I wish you weren't feeling so bad.

Hopefully you'll be able to visit Clara soon. Bring some veggies for her, and give her a big pat for me, too!

((((Alex)))), sending good thoughts from across the country.
Lisa

[maxthecat43]

Hi Alex,

That was so inappropriate!  I do have faith in God, but what you went through today would have made me mad too!  The behavior of a some, who call themselves Christian- belies the true meaning of the word.  I don't know what branch they represent, but it doesn't matter...  Their behavior was reprehensible.

Tammy

[Lulu54]

Alex, if you had the strength to voice the problems, by all means do. Do it in a formal complaint and go way over the top of the chemo clinic.

If you don't have the energy, that is certainly understandable and I hope that the staff can respect your wishes to be left alone.  You don't need this .....

[anon07072023]

I can totally understand what you are saying.  I wonder if you could make a complaint about them.  They're certainly not making it a comfortable / stress free environment for you.  Especially after you said that you were sick right after the chemo.  They think that they're helping, but they're not.  
It's very arrogant of them to push that on you - and then you're all hooked up, so you can't leave.  

We were at a cancer walk a few yrs ago and they had candles set-up along the route for people who had passed away from cancer.  There was one there for my mom & my dad.  There was a group of students that was making their way down the route praying over each candle.  When they came to my parent's candles they wanted to pray with us over the candles. They were pretty pushy and adamant that it was something that they HAD to do. I wouldn't let them.  They didn't know my parents. And I don't know them. I stood my ground.  Call me crazy..... Your story just reminded me of that.  

Glad that you were able to get your chemo today - not so glad about how your beliefs weren't respected.

[HVAC]

I got my chemo today.The clinic was overbooked and trying to bump me but I would not let them. They signed me up the day before a holiday so it is on them to do their jobs. Also the nurses not only allowed a super religious patient and her husband to approach me during my infusion but they got angry at me for ignoring them. I finally got fed up with one nurse telling what the woman had said was important. I told her I had ignored the woman because I do not share her religious beliefs and did not want to say anything I was thinking because it may hurt her. The nurse was so angry with me for saying this. My nurse for the day jumped in and told me I better change my attitude and get God if I wanted to get better. I was so pissed if I had not been hooked to an IV I would have walked out. Instead I told the nurses and the patients listening what I thought about God. They were pretty angry at that point. I grew up in a abusive house hold with a minister father and atheist mother.My father was not as nice when people badgered him about God and Cancer. He told them off when he was dying if it was brought up. When I go to a hospital clinic I want to be treated for a medical condition and nothing more. Needless to say since I was so upset the chemo made me sick right away. I try to respect others and their beliefs. I will keep quiet until people get in my personal space. I will evade and then if that does not work what comes out of my mouth is pure venom.

This all happened when my husband had taken a walk and I was quietly listening to my IPod nano and doing my visaulization. My husband had gone for a walk and was angry when I told him. I leave the other chemo patients alone. It is bad enough to be packed in like sardines with patients and family members on top of each other.

I think it is great when religion works for others but my beliefs are personal and I do not discuss them with others. I would not dream of walking up to someone and trying to push my beliefs on them. I think it is unprofessional for a Cancer Clinic to not only allow their patients to preach but to encourage it and to shame the person who does not want to be saved.  I made it clear when I arrived that I was not in a good place and needed to be left alone as much as possible. I was happy to discuss the chemo with the nurses but nothing more. I was even sick of explaining why I can't eat, drink, or go to the bath room easily. These people can't very from script and my case varies big time.

At least the chemo is bringing down my cancer marker to an acceptable range. That is really all that matters. I only have four more trips to the clinic. After that I am following elsewhere and only coming in when there is no way around it. I really hate most specialists. Again no Doctor today.

Alex

[Dagun]

Alex, you have so amazing way of thinking (and writing), you are such an inspiration. It is awful that they are not noticing or dealing with your pain, I hope that they will find a way soon to help you with it. My thoughts are with you.

My best,
Dagun