Last nights meltdown

[figuerpa]

I had such a great day yesterday celebrating my moms birthday. Then I got home, got in the shower and walked in my bedroom and there it was....my cane staring me in the face and I completely lost it. I cryed and cryed for what seemed like forever.

The funny thing is that I knew I had MS before my neuro finally dx'd me, but now that it is official it is really hard to digest. I was so tired from all the excitement yesterday and when I was by myself in my bedroom and seen that cane sitting there reality hit me in the face.

All the emotions flowed, one day I may not be able to walk without a cane or may need a wheelchair, one day I may not be able to carry on a conversation with someone, one day, one day, one day it all came flooding out and I was talking to myself saying these things and I just lost it.

I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not. I do feel better today but it is all still there in my head but I think I cried all the tears that I could cry last night.

I know that MS isn't a death sentence, it is just knowing that one day I could wake up and my entire world will be turned upside down by this disease. I am sure I am not alone in these feelings, I just felt all alone last night. I know I have my family and my friends (well the ones I still talk to), my friends have dwindled due to me not being able to go out and do the things we all use to do.

So I have taken it upon myself to turn my life around and live each day to the fullest because I don't know what tomorrow will bring, live for the moment and not for what may or may not happen in the future. And knowing that I have everyone here that completely understands and are here for me to complain, rant, rave, share the good things and the bad. I want to thank you all for being here for me and understanding.

Thank you
from the bottom of my heart

Paula

[Erin0313]

  I am so sorry that you had a meltdown. You were there for me this weekend for mine I wish that I could have been there for you.

My sweet friend Udkas left me a quote this weekend in my depression and I love it so I'll pass it to you:
                     The happiest people in the world don't have the best of everything, they just
                     make the best of everything they have!

It is simple and true and when I am in my pity party ( like this weekend) I need to be reminded.

Glad you are having a better day today!
Hugs,
Erin :)

[figuerpa]

Thanks all,

I do feel better, I think it was just the initial grieving period and feeling scared and lost all at the same time. I am sure I will have more days like this but with friends like you guys I know I will always come through :)

Paula

[michelleislay]

paula,

sorry for being offline for so long, i wish i'd have seen this post earlier!!  

in anycase, definitely what you are goign through is completely normal!!!  i hate that you are feeling this way, but at the same time i bet that cry was so good for you in that cleansing sort of way!!

thinking tons of you today and in the days ahead!!

xo michelle

[Sparkysarah]

I am sure that everyone has their bad days and meltdown and I had one last Friday when my daughter changed her travel and bus plans 3 times which made me waste a lot of time and energy and I just reached that "you don't understand howed up  I am feeling" phase.

I completely lost it in front of her friends and then ended up crying driving home.

So you are not alone and like you I endeavour to have a positive live in the moment attitude...but I don't beat myself up if I need a good cry and allow myself to feel sorry for my situation sometimes.

Anyhow hopefully you are having a better day today

Love and hugs

Sarah x  

[PastorDan]

Glad to hear you've weathered that storm, Paula.  The people on this forum are a Godsend; this mucch I've learned.  You came to the right place.

[figuerpa]

Thank you guys, I feel much better today, just thought I would share what I went through last night. :)

Paula

[candy158]

yesterday was my day too, but today is much better, hope you find that too.  I also have a cane, and yes it is hard to live with that, but my hubby told me that it looks alot nicer than a CAST if you fall down and break something.  and you know what, he is right,

I was like you, and thought that I did not look good with a cane, and that meant that I was officially handicapped or disabled.  But, on the good days,
I actually thank God for the cane, and that stability it brings.

So, try and think of it like that, a cast is much more ackward and heavy, and you can't put it aside when you have a nice bubble bath.,

Hope this helps, and know you are not alone, I thought I was yesterday too, but when I posted the love that came from the people here was amazing, and I thank good ness for that.

so, rest in that, and take care,
Candy xoxox

[essdipity]

Paula, what you're feeling is very normal. Many forum members have expressed the same thing. Getting used to things is a process, and therefore it doesn't happen instantaneously. Be good to yourself, and don't judge yourself too harshly.

Meantime, please read Sharon's thread:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Multiple-Sclerosis/The-Diagnosis-is-worse-than-the-Disease/show/1341718

Sending good wishes and hugs,
ess

[figuerpa]

Thanks Amo,

I can always count on everyone here to offer their support and understand what I am going through. I am so happy I found this forum.


Thank you
Paula

[AMO]

dear paullla,

I have not said hello yet,   o hello.
I  want youu t o  know it  does get easier. I am glad you giive your time to feel your loss of 'old self' There is something of grieving process that is real. It is what you do with your 'new you' now counts. Iiit has to be time to be stronger and more confidant in you. That can come in ways of strenght in acceptance and connnfidance  knowing your limits.

We never would see ourself being less than  very old   needing 'old people's aids.... canes, crutches, w alllkers, diapers, wheelchairs. But here we are, and we are not old.
It is by godd's pure grace we can do this.

I have thoughs of friends we loose along the way. They may not have time. They may be scared or uncertain how to approach us.
Never in my wildestest dreams , did i ever imagine I be 'doing this' in my life.....isn't it it is suppose to happen to the other guy? But here we.

I personnally found when they see we are 'still in there' they come around and our true friends are there with us.
It is sad those we do loose.

I believe I havee grown  in ways I never could have in this life , and have met some most incredible people from cirlces I would have never entered before.
Ya know, sometimes    the blessings and lessons come in the ugliest wrapped packages:)

don't be too hard on yourself, and let yourself  feel    your emootions.
it'll be oaky
take care, amo