1157044 tn?1318300124

Update Alcoholic Brother and Sister-in-Law living near by

Sudden paranoia, and frankly at this point it comes at no surprise to me.

I was relieved to get the emotional stress of seeing my brother and sister-in-law Xmas over with.  There was no atomicity between us.  It was obvious my brother was doing everything not to irritate me or go into anything that I had made clear was hands off subjects.  I appreciated that.  When it took some small turns, especially with his wife I simply walked outside for some air or made a trip to the bathroom.  But all and all it was okay and I rested a bit easier.  That was over and I was able to handle it exactly the way I intended without any emotional reaction.  I ignored those conversations completely and that was obvious.

My nephew’s wedding New Years Eve went relatively smooth.  Considering he is a bit estranged from his two eldest sons there were obviously some uncomfortable moments.

But again we all got along just fine.  

My brother cut out right after the dinner, which I skipped due to my inability to sit for long periods of time.

I had a WONDERFUL TIME at his wedding reception.  I even danced – the last time I did that was in 2006.  Nope no real grace but dang I had a good time despite that!

I spoke to my brother briefly when he called my Dad New Year’s Day.  Dad wasn’t up yet and I didn’t want the phone to wake him.  We had a short pleasant conversation.

Upon finally setting the stage I will get to the meat of the matter.  My brother emailed me today (a week since I last spoke to him) with pictures of my two youngest nephews.  Although I do appreciate that I fear he will find excuse after excuse to have regular contact with me.  I had been dodging this for more than a year and in the end it obviously was not successful.  I also have not seen much of my nephews due to this

Now I find myself imagining more and more contact even if the kids school pictures was more than an acceptable email.

So I am asking for your input.  First, does it sound like it could turn into something more (another words I am just being paranoid) Second, if I am not and more communications continue how can I mentally/emotionally handle this so that it doesn’t wipe my health down further when I am already too mentally and physically to fried to handle it.  I really do need some recovery time from all of it.

Any suggestions and comments are so appreciated.

My thanks to you in advance.

If regular communications continue, I don’t know how I can continue to handle that-and hurting him over, over, and over again.  My getting frustrated and angry with him, and then there goes my health again.  I mean how am I supposed to feel nothing.   Then it is the worm in my head and distracts me from my life.  This is also something I cannot deal with.  Yes, I know we have the power over our own thoughts that doesn’t mean the challenge isn’t there and it certainly doesn’t mean I am mentally or physically strong enough to handle this now.  It has been months straight since my pseudo attack due to the hardcore emotional dump and the looming doom of more to follow, since I have well learned this is the pattern.  And simply the constant intrusion of my life, I am constantly distracted by him needing to contact me for one reason or the next.
Sorry rambling, I just thought the worst was over after the holidays and I would have some mental and physical recovery time.  Now I am finding it difficult to see that.

I am again trying to get my arms around this.  But I know emails will turn into phone calls and then I am right back where I was, or at least my paranoia tells me this. Although not that this paranoia is baseless.  He stepped very lightly with his announcing the pictures and kept it very short and without his normal humor, or relaxed communication

I had to use care in my response.  My responses are usually something like “thanks much” but I thought that was likely to give him the relief that he could begin contacting me more frequently again.  So I decided on a response of two words.  “Thank you.”

Sorry rambling.

Anyone who could offer me some clarity so my mind can better rest again I would appreciate.  I have been far too in the thick of this for too long and it does become difficult to see what I am really dealing with verses what is worry of what I may not be able to handle.  That point made – suggestions on how to handle what I believe is likely to follow I would so appreciate.

Thanks again for listening
4 Responses
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1858011 tn?1319837353
I think that u did very good by just saying thank you nothing more.  So, that's good.  I think that if he tries to continue to keep communicate up which it does sound like a start.  That u simply need to say I'm sorry but, I'm not doing well right now I can't talk.  That way no feeling r hurt and u keep working on your health because that what's important.  Not, what family think or feel even though they should be supportive.  It's not always the case. There needs to be boundaries set up.    And, maybe in time they will see and understand why u did what u did.   It's sad to say but sometimes people don't realize things until they r completely out of the picture.   I think that he needs to get his life fixed before things can ever really be fixed with u and him.

This is only my opinion but, I can relate to this because my family is in denial of all my health issues and don't support me in any way.  But, I can honestly say its ok because I refuse to surround myself around negative people and things.  It's out of my life and will continue to be like this.  I don't feel bad anymore because the truth is I have tried many, many, times to fix my family.

So, I know in my heart I've done everything I can do to change it and above all god know that I have and so at the end he is the only one we have to answer to.  Nobody else.  

Do what's in your heart and what you need for your health.  Do not get wrapped into this u have a enough to deal with......    He will come around in time on your terms if he really cares about u and your health.

Your doing the right thing.......  Stay positive, and stand your ground...   It's called tough love

Hugs, hugs
Helpful - 0
1157044 tn?1318300124
Thanks for your comment Misty.  

I hoped I handled it well; there can be so many self-doubts when things are so emotionally charged.

I do need a break from every part of this for a while and I know I have to find a way that works for me to keep him at a distance.  So lack of friendliness is going to be my continued path along with ignoring phone calls when or should they come.  If it is something that truly has to be addressed I will only respond with an email of very few words.  Again, anything to impress upon him I do not want the contact.

If I tell him I am not doing well now and can’t talk then he will just call the next day or in a couple days so it will not stop the cycle, unfortunately. Besides, I have also learned it doesn’t matter how I am feeling in the end, all things will stay the same.  Sad as that sounds.  I went through this half of 2010.

I am sorry to hear your family reacted to your MS the way they did.  That is horrible.  I applaud your strength.  I can only imagine how hard that was to live with and separate yourself from.  Thank you for sharing..

You’re right some distance for a while and my brother may finally really get that our relationship has to be on my terms if it is at all.   I have set all the boundaries and he more than understands I do not want to be so close or talk/see each other more than occasionally as it used to be prior to him moving to town.  Then it was Holiday’s, other special events, and other sporadic occasions

Man I so don’t want to get wrapped up into this.  I have been setting the boundaries for more than a year and it is hard to be heard.  I had been nice and it went nowhere and then by this fall my nice approach turned into hurtfully blunt – that tough love thing - hence, all the tension around Xmas.    

Well that’s where I am at, I didn’t get a response email today so that is a good sign..

One more thank you-thanks for weeding through my terribly long, winding, difficult to follow post.

Appreciate your being there for me
Helpful - 0
1548028 tn?1324612446
Do what is best for your health!  I have excluded all who are negative and do not try to support Jordan and our family.  Lost what I thought were friends but kept the real friends.  Hurt for a while but in the end it is all about making things better for Jordan and our family.  Positive influences.  It has made things much easier all in all.  It's hard to put your foot down and stand strong when you are really nice inside!lol  Hang in there and just keep concentrating on you and what is important.  Wishing you the best!  
Helpful - 0
1157044 tn?1318300124
Thank you for your support and sharing your experience.

You're right it is sooooo hard to put that foot down and stand strong.  I find I think of him frequently and the feelings are so mixed.  But I know I have to do this no matter what.  
My best to you.
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