hello there. im a 14 year old female currently suffering with what i think is ocd. i suffer themes of harm ocd, pedophile ocd, sexuality ocd, incest ocd, even religious ocd.
currently my biggest struggle is pocd, and a current possible false memory i have.
it was a couple months ago, where i remember possibly touching my baby cousin. i was only nine or ten at the time, she was 10 months old i assume? i cant really rememeber the scenario or why and if i did it? but i remember lightly tapping her private area? she was wearing a nappy i think, or she was clothed. i cant remember if i was angry cause they were misbehaving or i just cant remember the emotion while doing this, but i cant remember it being sexual in the slightest cause again i was only 10. then i feel like later on that day i remember her making a sad face at me, cause id touched her there. it was not sexual though and most definitely not aggressive. but i cant seem to remember why i did it. i think i did do it, but i cant remember the details about it. im scared that i may have actually meant it but blocked it out of my memory cause i felt bad but now i deserve to be punished for it or something. im in a constant cycle of anxious loop thinking. ive had this thought before but its just come back again recently, its just i feel so bad and guilty cause i know i wouldnt do that now, i would never harm a child in any way, and i know i wouldnt. i did it in the moment. but i just cant understand why? im so annoyed and frustrated at myself. to be honest i cant even remember if i did do it. its all so blurry now. i AM seeking reassurance, its bad i know but im being tortured by my brain at the moment. i hate looking or seeing babies now. finding babies cute is a given but even my brain will transform that now, and now i just dislike the environment of children cause im scared i may have innappropriate thoughts about them.
please help me with this thought. i really am in a cycle of sadness and doubt. i cant remember what i did or why. im living in hell. i want to die. help soon please. thank you.