Heya, so long story short...
I'm a soon 24yr old male and feeling confused despite being a typical straight guy with much sex and relationships with women before all this..
I have always had OCD themes from hypocondria to fear of societal breakdown, war, fear of vomitting and contamination fears etc.. I'm not officially diagnosed but my past therapist, psychologist, my parents and other on OCD forums say it makes sense i have sexual-OCD...
I had a bout of HOCD 3yrs ago or at least the symptom descriptions made sense : I felt a terrible anxiety over the thought that i might become gay without ever having feelings for guys or any homosexual signs. Later on i started to fear i was transsexual with even less signs of that either from my pas... now, i admit i have been love-shy and feeling like less of a man all my life and i used to be a bit sensitive too.. but i dont recall ever thinking i want to be a girl for real, if anything i've felt like i wanted to be a tough guy and envisioned my future as one.. it made me feel pride being a tough womanizer and a loving dad / husband some day.
The thing is, i have been using porn a lot since my early teens and have slowly gotten from a lot of typical straight stuff into gay porn, then to shemale porn and then into thinking about "being the girl" in porn or even crossdressing.. these things don't feel like me and make me anxious and depressed - but darn, are they addictive.. accompanied with OCD it feels very real im becoming transgender and into men.. i try to find comfort in reading stories from the web and it seems i cant relate that much with any LGBT-community but rather porn addiction and OCD makes sense.. i read that porn addiction can cause fetishes or significantly color some small kinks so i tried going on something called noFap (abstraining from porn for as long as possible to reboot ur brain to your default sexuality).. i was very surprised to find out my unwanted kinks, especially the one about "being a woman", went away and i started to feel masculine and very happy! However, i got into porn again and soon enough, i found myself watching the same old crap again...
Now the problem itself is that i used to feel panic and a lot more of anxiety before just like any other OCD sufferer.. nowadays it feels like i dont feel anxiety but when i test, it feels like "excitement" and that i would like it.. but i dont know if i really like it and i dont want to like it - it would ruin my life and i would be devastated if it became true. Thati would find out ive been in denial all these years.. that i would become what i used to fear.. i test in my head if i would like to be a hot woman and i get some tingling excitement feeling or even arousal and after that i become afraid like "wtf am i really trans or was it an OCD or porn thought?"
Why dont I fear it as much ? Am i really trans or gay or am i just sentisized to fear? Is this OCD?