Avatar universal

Hiv ocd/paranoia

Hi everybody so recently I’ve had a phobia with contracting HIV it’s been about ten months since it started. It’s crossed into OCD because I have to double check everywhere I sit and everything I touch. Wash my hands frequently to make sure if I do get it I don’t spread it. Researching it. Playing over moments in my head. Recently it’s gotten to the point where if I don’t take pictures of something or record a moment I’m convinced there was a needle on it or that somebody stuck me with a needle.

Most recently I went to a drive through and as I was ordering food a random man was walking by my car  and I started to get nervous because I KNOW I have this habit of convincing myself somebody stabbed me. He didn’t even walk close to my car if I remember correctly. He walked behind the ordering speaker and screen which was a decent distance away. Still close enough to see him but not to touch or anything. Despite my anxiety I continued my order like normal and can pretty much remember every instant (I have good memory)

HOWEVER, now my anxiety or ocd or whatever is convincing me that since I didn’t record that moment to be able look back and verify that nothing happened, that something DID happen. My mind is telling me that he did somehow make his way to me and stabbed with an infected needle and that I’m just repressing it. Brushing it off because I’m trying to deal with my anxiety and ocd and telling myself it’s not real when it really is.

Realistically I know that if that were to happen I probably wouldn’t have carried on with paying with my order and stuff so casually. I’d probably panic and cry and the drive through speaker would probably notice?? (Then again McDonald’s workers aren’t very receptive). But I imagine I’d vividly remember that since I remember every other moment I’ve been scared I gotten infected. I’ve recorded and taken pictures of every part of my body so later I can reassure myself by seeing i didn’t bleed or have a wound mark but I don’t know I still feel like I’m gonna have to test in two weeks.

This happens semi frequently albeit not as extremely as this time. But I’ll go to a store or anywhere that not my house basically and be concerned about anything I touch or get close to and convince myself I got pricked but my memory is forcing to me repress the memory of feeling the prick. And I’ll move on from each scenario as soon as a new one happens.
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Avatar universal
I understand I shouldn’t keep seeking reassurance and that it only feeds into it. I unfortunately had a VERY real incident where an unprofessional phlebotomist used a cotton pad that touched the same arm rest where many other people get their blood drawn DIRECTLY into my fresh needle wound where I had blood drawn from a vein. I wanna test last time for that incident and not for any of these paranoid “I touched a wall what if there was a needle” “what if my brother who just hugged me stuck me” I’m also starting the process to find a therapist or psychologist I just don’t know how long it’ll take
Helpful - 0
Man, I have these same worries. I don't get as stressed as you (apparently), but once in a while I think about completeley unrealistic scenarios like the one you've described here.

All I can say is: believe in yourself. You're right when you say that it's impossible not noticing someone stabbing you with a needle. It would hurt a lot, you would fight with the person, it would be a complete mess. And nothing happened, right? You just got your meal without any problems. You don't need records or photos, and you KNOW that.

So try to move on with your life. I know it's not easy, but try to not feed the bad thoughts. Don't react to them.
3159640 tn?1430907300
No need to test. That fuels the reassurance seeking. I have the same exact irrational worry.
Helpful - 0
Seek treatment for anxiety like it is HIV. Anxiety is a disease state that needs medical intervention.  good luck
Avatar universal
Yes even now my mind is trying to convince me that I did get stabbed and just forced myself to forget either cause of trauma or because I’m trying to brush it off as just the paranoia. I think I’ll first test to be sure and then tackle the mental aspect.
Helpful - 0
Yes, will not discuss irrational thought other than to tell you that you need to address the mental health aspect.  That is the issue here.
973741 tn?1342342773
So, you are on the right path to discuss this as an anxiety disorder.  I'm not sure where you are from but how is the psychiatric care there?  Do they have doctors who treat mental health disorders?  Psychologists and counselors to provide therapy? There are many medications effectively used to treat ocd and anxiety.  We can tell you that you are being irrational and had no risk over and over but you know as I do that your anxiety won't accept it.  So, all I can say is investigate the avenue of treating your mental health condition.  It's the only way.  
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