Have you ever sought help from a psychologist?
I did attempt but I was absolutely too embarrassed to tell her what my problem was:(
I went to a psychologist for my ocd and it really helped. Don't be afraid to talk to someone. They're there to help. It helped me to remember that I am not my OCD. It helped me to manage compulsions.
Absolutely what Journey42 said. There is nothing you can tell the psychologist that they have not already heard before. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. I said the exact same thing to my psychologist and she assured me that I could not shock her and so I let it all out and trust me there were some really weird thoughts I was letting out AND getting help with. Please consult your psychologist again.
Thanks for the encouragement