Hello everyone i'm new to this kind of forums so sorry for any mistake. Mine it's a really long story so I'm gonna make it as short as possible: I'm an 18 year old gay male and I think I might have OCD, I had fears about hurting my family and my friends, about committing suicide (like panicking because I thought I would have done it one day eventually), about my family members health, about having some kind of attraction towards children; all these thoughts were followed by overthinking, anxiety and even panic attacks.
But a few months ago I watched a documentary about gender identity and I pictured myself as a female as a joke but since then I can't shake the thoughts out of my head, they are haunting me, I wake up in the morning thinking about it and it's the same for the whole day until I fall asleep; I don't know what to do anymore I've tried distracting myself etc but nothing works it's so painful. Like I've never questioned my gender identity before, I've always been comfortable with my male body and with my sexuality but now I doubt everything. I spend my days on forums and googling stuff to try to understand what is happening to me but I can't find an answer; I really don't want to be a woman, just thinking about that gives me anxiety and makes me want to cry but I feel like I'm doomed to this, that someday I will have to accept it. I look at my past and I'm terrified because, being gay, I had a few moments in my life where I had not "male" behaviors (Idk how to say it right) like trying on my moms shoes or being attracted to make up and all this stuff scares me so so much because I feel like it's "proof" that I'm that. I don't even know anymore, please someone tell me it's OCD or I don't even know what please i feel hopeless