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My fear,I just want this to end

I just wanty ocd to end ,it's come so far that I have insisted on using PEP for the second time because I think I was possibly exposed when I had a blood draw. And it's come so far that I think my HIV is hiding and laying dormant in my lymph nodes for more than 2 years ,I know how this sounds but for me it's so real. I tried anti depressants and went for some counselling but nothing works .I can't even have sex with my boyfriend of 16years for over a year now.i have had prob over 70 rapid tests done and a dozen of 4th generation blood draws and every single one came back negative but for me it's like I can't except it .actually I will be happy for 2 days then the thoughts start.now I think I have hiv iny lymph nodes and it's been there hiding laying dormant and that's why no doc or lab could find it and I'm thinking if I take the pep that it will bring the HIV out and make me positive. But then I think I will take the pep just I was infected due to the blood draw I had to go to. And no I don't think I was exposed by a needle but by the plastic tube that the needle goes into and that the blood tube goes into .pls help me is my thinking in any way logical .that pep could bring out a HIV infection just laying dormant in my nodes for 2 years .can HIV even lay dormant for so long.pls help . Just ending my life seems so much better.
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Avatar universal
Well, first, you seem to know this wasn't a risk for getting HIV, and knowing that you are having irrational thoughts is the first step to getting better.  You are not describing OCD, your are describing a phobia.  I mention this because if you go to therapy the treatment for a phobia is different from the treatment for OCD.  You may have some other things going on you don't mention in this post that do indicate you have OCD, but if this is the only thing bothering you, you have an HIV phobia, which is very common.  If you're not old with an incurable disease, ending your life is silly, frankly, as young people have so much adaptability and so many good years ahead of them and no way of knowing what's going to happen.  Still, if you're truly thinking of doing that, you need to seek immediate help.  If you're just saying that and don't really mean it, look into CBT, a form of therapy, and realize you are complaining of one phobia here.  You have allowed it to get really bad, but just as it got bad, it can also get better if you learn to think differently.  Your problem isn't HIV, it's your thinking.  You weren't always like this, so there's no reason to believe you will always be like this in the future.  As for antidepressants, I seriously doubt you've tried all of them, but the way to cure it rather than medicate it is through therapy and you being willing to work hard in it so this goes away.  But again, when a phobia gets this bad, sometimes medication is necessary, and if you are truly suicidal, it's probably almost always necessary to get you stabilized.  I can tell you something that will help, but it won't help quickly, and that is, have sex with your boyfriend if you've know him well with condom protection and then don't get tested no matter what, as you know you won't get it that way.  Get him tested first to make you confident he doesn't have it.  You know you don't have it.  When you do this and nothing bad happens to you, you do it again, and if you do it often enough your brain will just forget you ever had this fear.  That's what they will help you do in CBT.  Peace.
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