Please Help: Childhood memories/proof that I‘m gay (HOCD)

[Alex2003_]

I‘m now suffering about 4 months from HOCD and it comes in waves. 1 week it‘s really bad, almost can‘t stop analyzing everything and constantly anxious. The next one I can really laugh at all that HOCD stuff and I‘m confident about loving girls and I get turned on by them like before HOCD.

Now what is stopping me from recovery are my childhood memories. Every time HOCD comes back I try to fight it by avoiding doing compulsions and not analyzing but some childhood memories, where for example I was looking at men in underwear (which I was turned on by then? or just was curios?) or masturbating to solo jerking off videos one time when I was young (12), are producing extreme anxiety and distress and also are kind of a proof that I must be gay…

I remember well when I was about 10 me and a friend read a book about sexual things. There was a passage where it said something like„when the penis gets aroused more and more there happens ejaculation“. I remember being turned on by that thought and even masturbating to it later. This is the thought that by far is producing the most anxiety and is like a 100% proof that I‘m gay.

It feels like before puberty I was gay, in puberty straight then and now it‘s turned in a sort of Bi-OCD because I once (and also now but reduced during HOCD) was attracted to girls…

So my biggest problem is how to deal with that memories?