HIV fear returned

[Koocachoo]

Hello. I developed a strong HIV fear about 3 years ago. I had gotten over it after about 2 years and have felt pretty good. Well I will first say I have never had sex in my life. Never even kissed.

A few weeks ago I was at a friend's house. I had been stressing a lot lately due to some other things so I'd been chewing the inside of my mouth a lot. Well we were on the couch and while he was talking, I feel as though he spit in my mouth a tad bit. This would've not been a big deal but I noticed that day his lips were red and chapped. I am so afraid I contract HIV through this and my fear is coming back. About two weeks after i had a sore throat that lasted for a week  i know Allergy season is starting and i am prone to allergies but it has to be HIV in My mind. Other than that I was fine. Now I just have some phlegm in my throat so I think it's allergies.

I'm getting into therapy soon and am scared I have to go on meda again. I had a bad experience with them before. Help would be very much appreciated.

[Koocachoo]

Will do! Thanks for taking the time to write all your replies. I am going to check out that book. I already downloaded the sample to my Kindle.

[JGF25]

You could start a new post asking if anybody is taking Anafranil and ask what their experience has been.  I would post it both on this forum and also on the Anxiety forum.  

[Koocachoo]

I believe I was on Lexapro on its own for a while. I'm not sure when we added the others in. I've been doing some research on the drug Anafranil so I'm wondering if that may be able to help me. It seems to be mostly linked with OCD. I think I have the "pure O" thing. I don't do rituals. Although I did used to wash my hands a lot but that was due to the HIV thing. I also used to check light switches and doors when I was younger but I believe that was just a safety type thing.

[JGF25]

Did you ever just take the lexapro by itself or were you always on the other two meds with it? It sounds like overmedication to me since you were in a zombie state and disoriented.   I have never taken more than one medication at a time other than to add a benzo with it.  I currently take a SNRI as opposed to a SSRI (Wellbutrin).  The side affects are different although it did increase my anxiety in the beginning and I was pretty jittery for about 4 weeks.  After that I was much better.  I'm not saying to jump back on that medication train you were on.  I'm not a doctor and of course anyone in your position would be afraid to go there again.  I would give the book a try and see if you are able to get a handle on the HIV anxiety via CBT rather than medication.  I know people are able to do it med-free...I'm just not one of them.  Or maybe I could be if I tried but medication works for me and so I go with them.  Not much help here...sorry....but I am a firm believer in CBT and I really think the book will help you.

[corilynn12]

I've suffered with this fear on and off for 10 years. Thought I was alone, and though its kinda messed up it makes me feel better I'm not alone. I was tested recently because I'm pregnant and I'm ok, my husband is ok, and I'm perfectly healthy but there is always the what if. In my head stats are wrong, and its easy to get. I understand how your mind is working. Try and relax. I stress try case I know its hard. You are fine. Just gotta believe!

[Koocachoo]

Of course! I was on a ton of them so I might be leaving some out but I know I've been on Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, Risperdal and Depakote. When I was weaning off Effexor in 2009 (under doctors orders but I can't remember why) I had horrible feelings of dizziness, weird pulses through my body, and overall I felt disoriented. I was on Lexapro the longest. I was also taking it with Risperdal and Depakote. There was so much confusion over everything and at one point we thought I was bipolar. I was so zombie-like too and they just wanted to keep increasing my meds. I finally said enough is enough and I had the doctor help get me off it and I was fine up until recently. I have been off meds since around last June. I feel like I wasn't on the right medicine and the medicines caused the whole bipolar-like symptoms.

[JGF25]

Can I ask what adverse reactions you had to the medications you tried and which meds they were?  

[Koocachoo]

Well it isn't that I'm not open to medication but the fact that I had a bad experience makes me a little less apt to go right back on them. I do know it will probably make things easier to overcome my fear. It's good to hear that they helped you work through it. Gives me a little more "hope" I suppose to try them again.

[RainLover71]

It's always the ''what ifs'' or the ''maybes'' that throw OCD allover the place and it can drive us to the point of sheer anxiety and depression.It will dwell on our minds and not go away unless we train ourselves to deal with the matter.I have never been able to do it without OCD meds.They help to calm the situation down.It's about looking for things that work.

[Koocachoo]

Thanks both of you. I will check out that book and look into passion flower. Im very interested in what it is all about. I'm contemplating that friend. I just don't want to ruin the friendship but I think he will understand.

[tazbomb]

The 'what if' monster haunts me too!! I'm in Ireland but i'm sure u can get similar in America.  The main ingredient is passionflower, u shud google it and read about it.    

[JGF25]

Since you didn't have much success with the psychologists and the CBT I would recommend getting the book The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Lots of techniques in there but you do have to commit time to get yourself better.  Maybe with this book you can do it medication free this time :)  

[Koocachoo]

Wow this certainly is such a nicer community than another I posted on! It's good to hear that I'm not alone with this. I already knew that it's a common OCD-like fear but I guess having responses to MY post is a little more reassuring.

I never heard of Natracalm before and a quick Google search is showing it looks like something only in the UK. I'm in America so maybe I can order it online or there is some equivalent here. I was taking vitamins for a bit and I think they might've helped me. I need to start again.

I'm not religious really but I do try and relax. Music is probably the easiest way for me. Although I can't remember the last time I was 100% relaxed.

I do try to tell myself only the facts. Although that "what if" inside me makes it difficult. Like "what if it's not common or documented but I'm the first one?" or "what if I'm that 1 in a million?". It's so easy for me to say that I know it's irrational but then my brain says, "hey! It totally makes sense! Don't believe anything else!".

Thanks again for taking the time to reply :-)

[tazbomb]

I suffer the very same fear but I don't take meds.  I try to avoid stress.  I had an awful few weeks recently but for some reason in the last two I've actually been doing really well.  I can't exactly say why but I would recommend using relaxation tecniques when u feel any sort of stress coming on.  I take vitamin c every day, i wudn't have thought that would help but maybe it is.  Natracalm is a natural tab that can be taken to relieve stress and anxiety and i tink they're brill- they contain passionflower.  I don't know if you're religious, I'm not a big church goer but I do have faith n praying when I'm worried helps too.  It's an awful thing to go thru but keep reminding urself of the facts about hiv transmission.  It only took me 15 years to believe them!! Life really is too short to spend worrying all of the time and cleaning and obsessing.  It's not fair to ourselves nor the people we love who get caught in the crossfire.  I wish u all the best n if u have any more questions don't hesitate to post!

[Koocachoo]

I appreciate both of your responses so much! Sorry if my words were a little messed up in the original post. I was typing on my phone and it was late at night. Couldn't sleep due to anxiety.

I started the fear due to a situation I'd heard involving a family member back in 2009. I'd rather not go into detail but I ended up confronting the person (not family) whom I thought was infected. He wasn't and neither was the family member of course. Its probably difficult to understand with me being so vague. But basically I am looking back on it today and I realize how silly it was.

During my two years or so I was on so many different medications. I had adverse reactions which made me go on more meds. I also was I cognitive therapy but I unfortunately didn't get along with the psychologist very well. I went to two different doctors for medications during that time and after a while I just got off of it (at this point the HIV fear was almost over with) and I felt better than ever. So this is why I'm afraid to go on medication. I am getting in with a counselor very soon and I want them to figure out if I need to get treatment beyond that. I feel like I've improved due to me actually being able to do things like go with friends and go to work. The last time this happened I was in bed for months.

I appreciate the statistics and the index card idea. I think I will try that. I have tried telling myself out loud that I am fine, my friend is fine, neither of us have HIV, and it's completely irrational. It helps a little. Unfortunately it's so difficult to convince myself. You could give me all the proof in the world and it wouldn't help. I'm mostly "stuck" on this because I had that sore throat. I know it's allergy season but it scares me since my allergies were so good last year.

I apologize for a long response but once again I am so glad to have received your responses. I just want my life back :(

[RainLover71]

I Totally agree with JGF.HIV is such a hard virus to contract that even a needlestick injury from an HIV+ person is highly unlikely to infect you.If you learn the modes of HIV transmission it won't bother you as much.Also remember that the right meds work.

[JGF25]

How did you get through your first bout with HIV anxiety?  You said it lasted two years and you were on medication at the time?  Did they teach you cognitive behavioral therapy?  

What you are talking about is not a risk factor for HIV transmission.  Picture it this way, if a person draws blood from an HIV infected person and then immediately sticks their finger with the syringe, their chances of seroconverting to HIV positive is less than 1 percent.  Very, very small and that is with somebody that IS HIV positive.  So in reality there is nothing to worry about.  Write down the ways HIV is actually transmitted on an index card.  Only the facts.  And pull that card out and read it when you are having HIV anxiety and you will realize that what you perceive as a "risk" really isn't a risk at all.  Take care.