Very bad OCD and anxiety of HIV after losing virginity

[BlissfulJoy]

I finally had freedom when I moved out on my own at 21 and met a guy around my age who I thought was going to be with me forever. Well time went on we got close and ended up doing something brief that resulted in no ejaculation and it was without a condom only the tip of the head was in me. Shortly after found out via vs phone that he talks with other women. Even though his social network he is a male *****. This happened in March so I got tested for HIV at 3 weeks after this and I was negative. I then got tested 5 weeks after and was negative. I never went back to a conclusive result bc I'm not close to a clinic. However the Dr told me I have no chance at contacting anything.


Months went by and around May we made up again and this time ALL THE WAY. I made sure this time he wore a condom. I don't recall any breaking or slipping. He was going in and fully out each time he stroked so it gave me a better way to look at the condition of the condom. I was feeling at ease at losing my virginity and wearing a condom but all of a sudden 2 days later he told me had a job transdermal and all of a sudden my anxiety and OCD came in full force. He said he had to move and don't want long distance.

Not only that 2 weeks later I had a moderate common cold and this had heightened my anxiety even more because it had me thinking that it was an ARS symptom. I don't understand how the symptoms work most sites say many come down with a flu or a cold. I'm not sure and it's confusing. I began to frantically Google and harass him through text messages about his HIV status he ignores me and don't reply. I'm afraid he knows something I don't.

I also Google a lot about HIV and everywhere I look I see nothing but things about hiv. I recently even had a dream I turned out to be positive. I'm terrified. I'm stressing so much my period has stopped and spots are coming in my hair from no where. I thought if I had sex with a condom I would be at ease.

I decided to go take a test on the
18th. I'm afraid it will be positive. This fear has ruined my whole summer. I still message him and he still ignores me. He has even changed his number.

My dad is a pastor and is very religious. They always speak on no sex before marriage because it is AIDs in the world
Now I feel like I will be punished with HIV because of my ability to not abstain.
I haven't talk to my parents about this terrible anxiety because I don't want to be judged.
Sorry this is long but can anyone who is very well informed on these types of ODDs please help

[JGF25]

I think you are overreacting but that is what people with HIV anxiety or OCD do so I'm not surprised.  Please read my post "Horrific thought in Pure-O" that I will repost to the top of the forum.  It will show you why you are stuck in the loop that you are stuck in.  

Stop internet searches.  Google is not your friend.  Since you did wear a condom then you would be considered a no risk situation.  If you want to ease your mind then you can test one more time at 3 months and that is it.  After that no more testing.  

Reassurance seeking is another compulsive thing that people with OCD do.  What you have to realize is that reassurance is only fleeting and then you are right back at it again.  The reason this happens is because you do not have the coping skills to deal with your OCD.  I assume you are on your parents insurance?  If so, tell them you have anxiety and you would like to see a psychologist.  You don't have to say why specifically.  But you do need to see someone who teaches cognitive behavioral therapy so that you can deal with any thoughts that try to stick around in the future.  

Read this article and the post I mentioned.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=ten%20things%20fred%20penzel

[BlissfulJoy]

Will it help ease my mind if I do??

[raven381]

dont worry, this is OCD, i also have the same problem each year,

dont go get tested, it will ruin your life coz u wont get any assurance even if u tested 100 times

just when u think of it , say in your mind its nothing but OCD