Worried about HOCD

[needhelpbadly]

Throughout my life I have always been filled with anxiety and have always been told that I worry about things way to much and usually end up letting things build up and then have emotional breakdowns.  More recently my relationship with my girlfriend of on and off 4 years has been shaky although she is always supportive. at times fear that I was gay however ive never thought about men like that ive never been attracted to men and have never wanted anything like that.  More recently it has seemed to engulf my psyche and is tearing me apart.  I have been constantly depressed and been feeling suicidal because I really feel like there is something wrong with me.  I know have ridiculous thoughts on if I act gay or if I stare at guys in a gay way or if I am gay but it just doesnt seem like me. I constantly have dreams about girls so wtf is wrong with me.  Unfortunetly I dont have health insurance so i cannot see a therapist due to the price but feel like im loosing a grip on reality and really need help.  Please can someone out there offer me some advice or support Id really appreciate.  I worry because ive never been diagnosed with OCD but have always been told I need to see a therapist for constant tapping, nervousness and high anxiety please help!!!!!

[wewillbeatthis]

I completely understand where you're coming from.  I got out of a very serious relationship with my high school sweetheart 3 months ago.  I loved her very much and I thought we were going to get married.  Needless to say we had a very satisfying sex life and I still think she is the most beautiful thing in the world.  But depression caused by this break up has caused me to hunker up inside my room and hardly ever leave.  After one month of this these thoughts began to pop up inside my head that I liked guys, even though the thought of being sexually intimate is disturbing to me.  But I could never seem to shake these thoughts and they began to consume me and drag me into a whirlwind of depression.  Sometimes the thoughts were created because of insecurities in the way that I looked or my success with the ladies after my girlfriend and I split ways.  Just know that you are not alone, and that together we can all beat this.  I guess the thing that I never realized that other people were suffering from this too.  Just realizing youre not crazy and insane and can regain control of your thoughts helps immensely.  

[Quietcool82]

I feel ur pain dude. I have been having this issue on and off for almost 7 months. For the past two months however, it has gotten way too instense. I can't hear or read the word gay from the fear. I have trouble hearing a man's voice or even looking at a man without this bothering me. I was obsessed with women and the things that they do to me (getting me all hot and bothered lol) but now that has fallen by the way side and at times I forget what it is like to be with a woman sexually. I can't even watch tv or movies without getting some kind of anxiety or fear whenever a guy is one screen or even if there is a woman of screen that isn't my type (and I'm a movie buff so you can understand how stressful that is for me). I just wanna be me again. I want peace of mind and body. I don't want to worry anymore. Sometimes I that I should just be celibate and things will go away but they may not and that also scares me. I don't fantazise about men and never have. But now it's getting harder and harder to fantazise about women and that scares the **** out of me. On top of that, I can see that it is causing my family distress to see me suffering from anxiety and depression (and that it has made my beard go prematurely grey but that is because I have had anxiety and depression for a few years). We all have our issues. Keep the faith my friend.

[needhelpbadly]

Thanks guys I actually recently talked to my parents because it's been consing me for weeks and this week I'm going to see a therapist it just scares me so much because I know I'm not gay but I just suddenly all the time have worries and doubts and don't know what's reality and what's not u know

[DavidY10]

I know what you mean man, I have a similar fear. I'm not gay but I fear seeming gay or something like that. You aren't alone I think a lot of guys worry about their manliness or straightness or w/e especially if you are an anxious or ocd type person anyway.

[PurellGirl]

It is your OCD talking. Ignore it! :)

I know, I know, easier said than done. But if you keep reminding yourself that this irrational fear is all in your head, you will decrease it's power it has over you.

Is there anyway you can see a doctor who can perhaps prescribe you some medication to help with the anxiety?

I'm always here to talk.