Intro and recent worry story

[mrtshere]

A few years ago my ex-gf was away on an internship and I started seeing a prostitute occasionally. I was just really occupied with college and didn't have time or felt like dating or finding anyone new at the time. I was never the type of person, or so I thought to even consider it, but one day I just got a hard on I couldn't say no to, and the rest was history....I started compulsively surfing craigslist... back when they had the adult services section, and whamo, something happened, I liked it...it gave me a rush..,and caused a new addiction, prostitutes. I exclusively get oral sex from them. I have had approximately ten encounters in the past 2 years, but mostly with the same female "sex worker." She seems careful enough and claims to just stick to her regulars. I did have intercourse with her once over a year ago and the condom broke and I had a shaving cut that was several hours old and closed. And it was a good chance it didn't have any contact because I made a conscious effort not to dip in all the way, since it was at the base.

I got an HIV antigen test about six weeks later and got a negative result but never got re-tested. About a month ago I saw her again and accidentally cut/pricked the top/axial part of my penis with my zipper, but put a condom on over it and received oral sex anyway. Even though there was a condom over it, there is a chance some of her saliva may have contacted it because of the simultaneous stroking, which causes the condom to ravel in/roll back into itself.  I actually watched carefully to make sure that it didn't happen, and I'm almost sure it didn't. The condom did brake though because of complications of a fat man, and I put on another one. It brings me no pleasure attempting to articulate this incident. She didn't have a cut in her mouth...most likely so I know I'm going to be OK.

  I'm the one who was bleeding anyway, She didn't seem to be worried about me bleeding though which bothers me, even though I know she likes me and trusts me. I even told her I got the HIV test mentioned above and asked if she had it, and she said she didn't. She most definitely likely doesn't have HIV anyway but the stigma of her profession and lifestyle still creep me out bad. I am going to get tested next Thursday just to stop worrying. I actually saw her again two days ago because I can't seem to say no to my penis. I just followed it to her house. I need help. Going back gave the fears less power though. I am a real advocate of exposure therapy when treating OCD. However, I don't promote what I have done...but hey, I never would have considered going to a prostitute before puberty. If you told my young self that I did, I wouldn't have believed you. I don't think there is anything wrong with it...it is cheaper than a date, etc, etc...the only problem is the worry of the countless penises that she has interacted with. It is the oldest profession. If it wasn't for STDs I would probably live in a ***** house.

The rest of this post is my story and the genesis of my OCD with the hiv and a little about me.

I have had a life long fear of HIV. I have a mild OCD/paranoia with HIV infection you can say. The fears started early in my childhood (5-7) and became OCD certified in junior high school, when I was 12. I went to a private school, and a younger student/peer, who was the younger brother of a classmate who I didn't get along with vandalized the school bathroom and claimed that I did it to avenge his brother who I, and many others picked on and borderline bullied a little.

The stress of getting in trouble for something I didn't do, and the 12 hour interrogation that took up three school days by the c@%t principle triggered the OCD. I wouldn't admit to something I didn't do, and it was my word against his and the ***** chose to believe him because he got  fewer write ups/referrals than me, but it was only because he was two grades my junior...he wasn't credible at all. He was a troublemaker and known academy award winning liar. I totally got *** raped.

A week later I had a nightmare of getting poked and stabbed with an HIV tainted needle on my hand by a classmate in the classroom at that damn school,...after waking I noticed some scratches on that same hand that got poked with the needle in the dream. The scratches were from my parrot but I had somehow convinced myself that a mysterious HIV boogieman gone rogue who came into my room from the f***ing shadows in the middle of the night infected me. That is basically the genesis of my OCD with HIV.
It is actually hilarious. You can't make this s**t up.

Back then I knew nothing about cell biology, and my fears really got the best of me. I am now finishing my undergrad in biochemistry. I have also read a lot about the virus and know the conditions that need to occur in order to become infected. Education is the only thing that hinders the OCD. But OCD thoughts are quick to creep up on you before you even have time to reason out a thought. It's only after you have an attack, you can reason it out, which isn't easy. I no longer have insane HIV/OCD symptoms, which include everything from HIV tainted blood falling from the sky into your Coke or the HIV boogieman hiding under you bed ready to ***** you with a syringe filled with the hiv. But, now as a sexually active MWHSWW, it still creeps up hard. I enjoy anything that makes us humans feel good. The substances I am most fond of are opiates, mdma, marijuana, and N2O. I rarely use anymore though because of school. I am most addicted to women, even though I don't score much anymore because I am too busy with school.

[JGF25]

Hang in there....you know what you need to do and you will get there.  In the mean time, you know we are here to listen and support.  Take care.  

[mrtshere]

I go about 3 times a year on average.  I can't afford to go over there twice a week, and if I could afford it I would see a much classier ho or just be a sugar dady and exchange gifts for sexual favors with eastern european women.  I'm in my 20s, a student, and relatively broke. I gave her a prepaid credit card last time I saw her, which is the same thing I used to do when I bought opiates, some years back; which tells me, that this is no different than any other addiction.

Everytime I get an urge to go there, it is after I do some type of substance. I smoked some pot last friday and I went on autopilot to her place. The time before that I took a bunch of amphetamine salts.  Sometimes I do feel like going over there when I am normal/sober, but I am deterred because I don't like to give her money, and I always remember how dirty it feels after and the purel madness. I lather purel all over myself afterwords and sometimes throw away my underwear. I go nuts with the purel, absolutely insane amounts. And it burns.

Ethyl alcohol will screw up the markers on HIVs viral envelope instantly from what I read. The clean up is 3 steps, purel the hands, purel the genitals with condom still on, take condom off and lather purel crazy style. I do this quickly after, either in my car or in her bathroom. The last time before the last time I went there I forgot the damn purel and had to use water, which totally freaks me out, since I broke the purel ritual.

[JGF25]

You know the risks very well and you know them to be very, very small even when a person is pricked with a needle while treating an HIV positive person.  

You are in a pickle because you like the availability of this woman with no strings attrached but at the same time you are disgusted by some of the things she does.  

Why don't you try not visiting her as often.  So if you go twice a week, only go once then work down to zero.  If three times, then only go twice and then once and then zero.  Work your way out of her life and into one where you don't have to worry about STDs or putting your used condom in the bag with the other ones.  

Take care.

[mrtshere]

I appreciate the comments. About the prostitute...I somehow convinced myself as long as it is just oral sex with a condom I have nothing to worry about as far as STDs are concerned. As far as the morality, I don't believe there is anything wrong with it for some reason, as long as it is by choice. Forced prostitution, whether it is by a pimp or chemicals, or both, then there is obviously a problem. It is her choice. It is the wrong choice but it certainly isn't bad or immoral.

I just worry about the STDs.  I don't really worry much, as long as nothing insane happens... like condoms breaking, which I seem to have bad luck with. I don't want to go back to there every again, but the urge is more powerful than the fears at this point. I wish I never opened up that door. It just makes sex too easy, hassle free, and no strings attached...which is/was custom made to my needs. I'm starting to think, after I get re-tested and put the fears to bed, to find a new girlfriend.

The main thing is does she have HIV? If she has it, she doesn't know. She never had any exposed empty prescription bottles for instance, and she doesn't seem to fit the criteria of someone who knows they have it, based on her appearance, the cleanliness of her house, and just the way she presents herself. She is a slob. Someone with HIV, in these modern times would most likely practice better hygiene, exercise more, and just be more responsible I would think, since the prognosis is no longer dire.  She claims to get tested. She does seem to lie a lot, mostly just excuses to rush tricks out. It is totally disgusting though. She even has a plastic bag that tricks put used condoms in, that just hangs on a closet door finger pull.

The shaving cut or whatever wasn't opened, but I can't say to certainty. But I got a negative test result. These tests today are accurate at near 100 percent at one month. Still, even if it was open, it is still hard to get HIV that way. So many conditions need to be right in order for HIV to get inside a small cut, the odds are 1 and 10^6 or more. You need WBC (white blood cells) bearing the Cd4 marker in high concentration in the area, that is why people with genital warts get it easier. Because there are tons of WBC there. WBC show up in high concentration when there is an infection only. Simple cuts do have WBC, but just not in high concentration, which decreases the chances of transmission exponentially. So the whole little cut/HIV phobia is total hogwash, BS.

The perfect environment for HIV transmission is anal sex. Vaginal sex is much less risky.

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.

You are correct in that you didn't have any true exposures other than the one where the condom broke during vaginal intercourse and that was over a year ago so you can put that one to rest.  HIV is not transmitted via saliva so all the oral sex didn't increase your chances either.

Here is the thing though, as OCD sufferers we are told to not give into our fears.  If we are afraid to drive then we have to get out there and drive.  If we are afraid to go to the doctor, we have to make ourselves go so that our health can be maintained.  These are all things that are necessary to live our lives.  

Having said that, you are doing something that brings HIV anxiety on for a variety of reasons.  Underlying stress could cause your HIV anxiety to be increased as well.  But in this case, I think that you need to consider giving in to the fear and abandoning your "sex friend" and get yourself into a stable relationship.  I think you are just torturing yourself every time you see her.  I don't even know how you find it pleasurable with all that "thinking" you are doing while you are there.  "Watching" what is happening the entire time.  Then doing the whole "what-if" thing afterward.  

I'm not some moral prude so that is not my reasoning for saying what I'm saying.  I just think that sometimes you need to remove yourself from situations like this where they cause anxiety.  Doing so certainly won't affect your ability to live your life to the fullest.  

I don't get the sense that you think of HIV as a punishment for immoral acts.  I think HIV anxiety is just one more thing on the plate of an OCD sufferer to worry about.  From being the CL on this forum, HIV is probably the thing that most people worry about.  

Take care.....

[jhguy011]

If you had vaginal or anal intercourse with the women and experienced a broken condom, there is a risk that you could have contracted HIV. However, your test at 6 weeks post incident was a good indication of your status, so you likely are fine. Oral sex is not a transmission mode, and you should know that since you're an educated person.

I know that HIV obsession with OCD can be very difficult though. It makes sexual activity very fraught with opposing feelings: do I keep doing what I want to do or do I abstain completely to remove the fear? But I can tell you that even when I abstained I still had HIV anxiety. It was only after two or three years of being very obsessive about it that I finally moved on to new worries.

You don't have to feel shame for having sex. I think a lot of HIV anxiety is that you (not you personally) might feel that HIV is a punishment for immoral acts.