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Is my suffering over?
Hello, My story began back in the year 2000 while I was in very early pregnancy with my second child. I never fell, or twisted or what ever else may have cased the following damage to my back, Lumbar radiculopathy, Degenerative disc disease Laminotomy - Discectomy, acute Post laminectomy syndrome, lumbar region As well as a bone spur pressing on my sciatica nerve casing pain to travel down my leg.
For many years I suffered in silence as I had no idea what more could be done for me. After the first back surgery failed, I certainly didn’t want to have a fusion done. I was unable to do so many things with my children, I could not bend at the waist, or even drive. I was in so much pain I could not sleep. Talk about being moody all the time.
I began seeing a new doctor who required to see all my X-rays and MRI’s. He right away sent me to a specialist who told me that I needed more surgery. I was so set against it as there are no guarantees it will work so I turned him down. He also put me on a long acting pain med and a second for break through pain. He scheduled me for an injection to decrease inflammation and said he would work with me to give me a better quality of life.That was seven years ago.
Well here is what is making me so depressed. I live in a State that I hate. I put all my thoughts and energy into my husband and children just to survive living here. For the past 30 years my parents and siblings spent hours daily judging my sister who over 30 years developed a drug addiction to both prescription and street drugs. She had no life, no husband, no children and in her opinion no reason to live. I knew she would die, so I spent countless hours a month talking with her and loving her. She started prescription medications when she suffered an injury as a teenager. She could never forgive herself for mistakes she made over the years and ultimately moved away from her family (me included) . She went in and out of in patient Detox as my family made here feel like this was the only way to recover from her demons. We made her life hell. After my sister's death 3 years ago my parents and siblings have now turned there focus on me. It seems as though they need to judge someone else because it somehow makes them not feel as bad about themselves. My family has known I have been on pain medication for years, but I took them the way I was suppose to and no one seemed to watch me to closely as they had my sister to focus on. Two years ago I moved near my family as they told me they would be here to help with my boys and share holidays together. No such luck. They seem to watch every thing I do and come up with there own reasons for why I may look a certain way on a particular day or sound not so good. The legitimate reason for why I took teethe pain med. was not what they wanted to believe was the "real" reason I took it. In there eyes I must be doing what my sister did. Well that was not true for all these years! Now over the past year I have been more alone and have more responsibility at home that I was not able to get it all done. I am a full time mom of 5 sons ranging from 7-17. I home school them all as the schools around here are awful. My husband is gone 4 days a week for work and I need to be able to keep moving. At times the pain got so bad that I did end up taking more than I should have. The last straw for me was when I ran out to early. I could see the pattern and knew it had to stop. So now, here I am. 118 days since I took my last pill. Suffering with depression and pain, no sleep and finding it so difficult to get done all I was able to do before I stopped taking my medication. I can't stand the thought of being labeled. Pharmacies do a great job at that. Once the depression hit I stopped functioning all together. Showering, brushing my teeth, or even getting out of bed has been a challenge. Then it is right back to bed for me.
Finally last week my husband dragged me to the doctor. I was a mess. I told her I was a drug addict because I was on so much pain medicine and still in pain. My anxiety was out of control and I am as depressed as you can get. I could hardly walk and sitting was out of the question. She said what have you done to yourself. So I told her I took myself off my pain medications back in march and joined a support group for drug addicts. “WHY”!!!! She then proceeded to tell me the difference between dependance and tolerance which is not the same as addiction.
Tonight after taking no pain meds for 118 day and suffering everyday a person can. I finally feel some relief. I am so tired I may even sleep tonight.
I hope I can find the support I need here as I still need lots of it.
For many years I suffered in silence as I had no idea what more could be done for me. After the first back surgery failed, I certainly didn’t want to have a fusion done. I was unable to do so many things with my children, I could not bend at the waist, or even drive. I was in so much pain I could not sleep. Talk about being moody all the time.
I began seeing a new doctor who required to see all my X-rays and MRI’s. He right away sent me to a specialist who told me that I needed more surgery. I was so set against it as there are no guarantees it will work so I turned him down. He also put me on a long acting pain med and a second for break through pain. He scheduled me for an injection to decrease inflammation and said he would work with me to give me a better quality of life.That was seven years ago.
Well here is what is making me so depressed. I live in a State that I hate. I put all my thoughts and energy into my husband and children just to survive living here. For the past 30 years my parents and siblings spent hours daily judging my sister who over 30 years developed a drug addiction to both prescription and street drugs. She had no life, no husband, no children and in her opinion no reason to live. I knew she would die, so I spent countless hours a month talking with her and loving her. She started prescription medications when she suffered an injury as a teenager. She could never forgive herself for mistakes she made over the years and ultimately moved away from her family (me included) . She went in and out of in patient Detox as my family made here feel like this was the only way to recover from her demons. We made her life hell. After my sister's death 3 years ago my parents and siblings have now turned there focus on me. It seems as though they need to judge someone else because it somehow makes them not feel as bad about themselves. My family has known I have been on pain medication for years, but I took them the way I was suppose to and no one seemed to watch me to closely as they had my sister to focus on. Two years ago I moved near my family as they told me they would be here to help with my boys and share holidays together. No such luck. They seem to watch every thing I do and come up with there own reasons for why I may look a certain way on a particular day or sound not so good. The legitimate reason for why I took teethe pain med. was not what they wanted to believe was the "real" reason I took it. In there eyes I must be doing what my sister did. Well that was not true for all these years! Now over the past year I have been more alone and have more responsibility at home that I was not able to get it all done. I am a full time mom of 5 sons ranging from 7-17. I home school them all as the schools around here are awful. My husband is gone 4 days a week for work and I need to be able to keep moving. At times the pain got so bad that I did end up taking more than I should have. The last straw for me was when I ran out to early. I could see the pattern and knew it had to stop. So now, here I am. 118 days since I took my last pill. Suffering with depression and pain, no sleep and finding it so difficult to get done all I was able to do before I stopped taking my medication. I can't stand the thought of being labeled. Pharmacies do a great job at that. Once the depression hit I stopped functioning all together. Showering, brushing my teeth, or even getting out of bed has been a challenge. Then it is right back to bed for me.
Finally last week my husband dragged me to the doctor. I was a mess. I told her I was a drug addict because I was on so much pain medicine and still in pain. My anxiety was out of control and I am as depressed as you can get. I could hardly walk and sitting was out of the question. She said what have you done to yourself. So I told her I took myself off my pain medications back in march and joined a support group for drug addicts. “WHY”!!!! She then proceeded to tell me the difference between dependance and tolerance which is not the same as addiction.
Tonight after taking no pain meds for 118 day and suffering everyday a person can. I finally feel some relief. I am so tired I may even sleep tonight.
I hope I can find the support I need here as I still need lots of it.
Hi Branegame,
Please excuse my tardy Welcome and response. In Phil's words, I'm Tuck and I have Chronic Pain that requires me to rely on opiates to function - and have somewhat of a normal life. I would have replied sooner but I've having an unbelievable new horrific pain (tumors in my cervical spine) and I no longer function - but that's another story.
I am so very glad that you found us. I've been here the better part of 8 years. Our warm and supportive members have never disappointed me - and I'm certain the same will be true for you. I'm sorry to hear about your chronic pain. We get it.
Your story of moving closer to your family for support is just the opposite of mine. I was getting all the "looks" and "comments" from many of my family members. They tried to make me feel like an addict. Sometimes I questioned if they were right - they weren't. I finally packed up bag and baggage and moved 1,100k miles from my home state. I could no longer handle the negativity along with the pain.
You may want to consider the moving also. I no longer care what my family say or think. I am not on Facebook to read their nasty comments - and now after over five years they leave me alone - at least for the most part. You have to learn not to listen to the ignorant, uneducated ppl in your life - and ignore the hurtful things they throw at you. It sounds like you are doing just that. I admire your strength.
You are so blessed to have such a wonderful husband - and found a great PMP. Both are hard to come by these days. I'd say they are both keepers. :0) I'm so happy for you.
I hope you'll be active in our community. We welcome new members, especially ones like yourself. I'll look forward to your input and comments.
Peace and Blessings,
~Tuck
Please excuse my tardy Welcome and response. In Phil's words, I'm Tuck and I have Chronic Pain that requires me to rely on opiates to function - and have somewhat of a normal life. I would have replied sooner but I've having an unbelievable new horrific pain (tumors in my cervical spine) and I no longer function - but that's another story.
I am so very glad that you found us. I've been here the better part of 8 years. Our warm and supportive members have never disappointed me - and I'm certain the same will be true for you. I'm sorry to hear about your chronic pain. We get it.
Your story of moving closer to your family for support is just the opposite of mine. I was getting all the "looks" and "comments" from many of my family members. They tried to make me feel like an addict. Sometimes I questioned if they were right - they weren't. I finally packed up bag and baggage and moved 1,100k miles from my home state. I could no longer handle the negativity along with the pain.
You may want to consider the moving also. I no longer care what my family say or think. I am not on Facebook to read their nasty comments - and now after over five years they leave me alone - at least for the most part. You have to learn not to listen to the ignorant, uneducated ppl in your life - and ignore the hurtful things they throw at you. It sounds like you are doing just that. I admire your strength.
You are so blessed to have such a wonderful husband - and found a great PMP. Both are hard to come by these days. I'd say they are both keepers. :0) I'm so happy for you.
I hope you'll be active in our community. We welcome new members, especially ones like yourself. I'll look forward to your input and comments.
Peace and Blessings,
~Tuck
Thank you for your kind words, Mandi.
Experience is a great teacher and I've had plenty -- over 30 years now.
I'm grateful that one day I woke up and realized that others might benefit from that experience. Back then I had no idea that there are 100 million Americans in chronic pain. Wow!
So, that's what we do here -- share experience, knowledge, and support, and in doing so, we help each other.
Nice see you here back on the pain forum. Don't be a stranger.
:#)
Experience is a great teacher and I've had plenty -- over 30 years now.
I'm grateful that one day I woke up and realized that others might benefit from that experience. Back then I had no idea that there are 100 million Americans in chronic pain. Wow!
So, that's what we do here -- share experience, knowledge, and support, and in doing so, we help each other.
Nice see you here back on the pain forum. Don't be a stranger.
:#)
I truly appreciate all the support. I am a new person since I started taking my medication again. I am frustrated that I allowed myself to bullied by family and pharmacy staff into thinking I am a drug addict. I spent a lot of hours talking with the good people in the addiction forum, but it never occurred to anyone, including myself, that I suffer with chronic pain and I have become tolerant to the dose I was on. I spent months reading about all the new comers to the sight feeling better each day and here I was getting worse. I am so thankful that my husband insisted I go to the doctor and talk with her about it. I'm finally starting to feel better. Thank you all for your support.
You always speak right from the heart, Phil.
Each one that lives with chronic pain needs to read and absorb your words. THANK YOU so much!!! mandi
to
Each one that lives with chronic pain needs to read and absorb your words. THANK YOU so much!!! mandi
to
Many of us have been through this...
In 1991 my doctor asked me to attend a 28 day inpatient treatment program because he thought my need for pain medication was an addiction.
I did the program, went to NA meetings, and worked for two years w/o medication, until I couldn't take the pain anymore and went crawling back to a pain doctor.
Drug treatment taught me to say "I'm Phil, and I'm an addict."
That was wrong, at least for me. Those two years in misery taught me that, and I worked at a very strenuous occupation. I went home and collapsed every night, risking my health using NSAIDs at twice the recommended dose.
After 22 years of successful pain management on daily opiates, I've learned that "I'm Phil, I live with chronic pain, and my opioid medications allow me to live a functional life."
Be well and at peace with yourself.
In 1991 my doctor asked me to attend a 28 day inpatient treatment program because he thought my need for pain medication was an addiction.
I did the program, went to NA meetings, and worked for two years w/o medication, until I couldn't take the pain anymore and went crawling back to a pain doctor.
Drug treatment taught me to say "I'm Phil, and I'm an addict."
That was wrong, at least for me. Those two years in misery taught me that, and I worked at a very strenuous occupation. I went home and collapsed every night, risking my health using NSAIDs at twice the recommended dose.
After 22 years of successful pain management on daily opiates, I've learned that "I'm Phil, I live with chronic pain, and my opioid medications allow me to live a functional life."
Be well and at peace with yourself.
Thank you all so much. I have been suffering so long because I thought I was a drug addict when what was really wrong id I am dependent and tolerant. I have not had my dose changed in years and I bet that will make all the difference in how I function. I already feel so much better and look forward to getting some much needed sleep tonight.
It sounds like you found a good PM doctor. Stay with her, she is correct in that your pain needs treatment and that it's not an addiction or weakness. Sadly your family is gravely mistaken wrt your therapy, but you'll find many friends here for support. Take care.
Dear, dear BG.
I DO understand your dilemma. I have been viewing everything on the pain forum and the addiction board for a long long time.
No one wants to have to rely on pain meds. But it sure beats the alternative-living with horrendous unrelenting pain.
You have a lot on your plate. You will find some very compassionate people on this forum. They will support you and understand your needs. Stick around. It will definitely help you come to terms with your issues.
mandi
I DO understand your dilemma. I have been viewing everything on the pain forum and the addiction board for a long long time.
No one wants to have to rely on pain meds. But it sure beats the alternative-living with horrendous unrelenting pain.
You have a lot on your plate. You will find some very compassionate people on this forum. They will support you and understand your needs. Stick around. It will definitely help you come to terms with your issues.
mandi
That's wonderful news. That's what we're all about here -- helping people find relief from pain.
Best wishes.
Best wishes.
I am sorry I was not very clear I am going back on my pain management using an pain medicine. I finally slept last night.!
BraneGame, welcome to the pain forum.
You may find some support here, this forum helps people find solutions to their pain problems, and those solutions may include opioid analgesics.
If you are looking for support with substance abuse and staying off opioids, I encourage you to visit the addiction/recovery support forums here on MedHelp.
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Alcohol-Drug-Rehab/show/1232
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/show/77
Best wishes.
You may find some support here, this forum helps people find solutions to their pain problems, and those solutions may include opioid analgesics.
If you are looking for support with substance abuse and staying off opioids, I encourage you to visit the addiction/recovery support forums here on MedHelp.
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Alcohol-Drug-Rehab/show/1232
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/show/77
Best wishes.
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