went over the edge of hell today

[timmo58]

how can i make the doctor , see that im hurtin , today i find out that my family nurse practicioner has quit so i need to find a new doctor who will prescribe for me the medicines i have been taking or some new ones that will work , right now i feel as if i have gone over the edge of hell and seen the bottomless pit of hurt all over again i went to get my OXYCODONE,FENTANYL PAIN PATCH , and a stronger ANTI depressant , and all i got was grief and had to **** in a cup , i haven't done that in more than 20 years , i do not abuse my meds i need them to live in this world as sick as it is , i don't smile and say happy new years 3 days late to anyone i hear it im pissed off , today i go to doctor who is replaceing the person i was seeing and im in a different world i guess i called in my prescriptions what i needed for the month last week wendsday , i gave them 3 days to get em written , i find out today they have been closed for over a week and ha ha no prescriptions , last saterday i ran out of oxycodone and fentanyl pain patch with out im in horendous pain , can not sleep eat or get comfortable restless , angry , yell at everything around me swear like a sailor , all but kick the dog i didn't but i could have easy , yell at my wife who allready this last december went to family court got and in the house order of protection against me for yelling at her with all my problems , im OUT OF CONTROLL im tired have nobody to talk to nobody will have anything to do with me as i can not do much at all , i sit lay on couch and hope things get better they do not it's one after the other , first i run out of pills cant get dr on phone so i go to emergency room and ask for a dr to write what i need to get thru the month , PAY A COPAY OF 50.00 BUCKS , they give me 3 days worth of pills and patches , and send me today to this new dr who must be getting a kick back or somthing pay another 20 bucks for him to write scripts that sre all brand name drugs , my health insureance does not cover them i have to pay full price , i can't do that at all i ask for GENERIC  DRUGS dr scratches his head hand me the scripts , i go to drug store only to find again BRAND NAME DRUGS DRUGGIST WANT S OVER 300 BUCKS im getting warm so back to dr tell him  i need generics again finnally get them written go back to drug store wait in line get my meds for the month all this started at 8 :30 am now its 2:30 pm just to get 3 prescriptions written and filled , by now i have missed 3 doses , in pain losing my temper and getting warmer , i need to have my left wrist fused right away it has no cartledge in it at all bone against bone  PAINFULL AS HELL IT'S SELF ..i call the place and doctor i saw for wrist only to find out there is an issue with bill payment between my insureance company and the doctor won't give me an appointment till bill is paid  MRI with contrast dye  about 2000.000 plus doctor charges i thought were covered back in june when i had MRI done insureance did not contact me and tell me no payment was being made or anything abvout it , now doctor had no choice and sent me to collection for the bills , now i sit with badly wore out wrist in great pain can't sleep eat or anything but get angry and more mad as day rolls on . now it's 4pm no use in calling anybody who doesn't care , im madder than a wet cat , about to bust with the sailors langauge , and start throwing things like i mean to smash everything in sight , weather it means anything to me or others i could care less , im pissed right to the max by now , im tired so tired of this life i lead by the rope around my neck , i could just go for the long walk and never come back i hate my life and all the people in it every stinking one of the those same people in my life have let me down so hard that well the end is in sight for me the final end i could step right out in front of a bus full of folks and let it run my cripple *** over good and hard last time i felt like this i was drinking heavy black velvet wiskey , and lots of it on my second bottle i decided to drive my self home dead drunk and broke at same time , sept 9, 2001 was about 1 mile away and realized i did not wwant to face my wife like this , so i swerved into an apple tree on the right hand side of the road at 70 mph , no **** this did happen , i have pictures of my pickup truck i hit the tree got pinned under the dam thing was on my arm i could not get up or away , i hit the tree bumper first on passenger side of truck it bowed it in like a wey noodle , up the hood and crushed the roof in against the tree , the truck then fell back and on drivers side where my arm was flung out the window and crash i was pinned and unconscious for i don't know how long a couple kids found me around mid night pinned in the truck and out like a light they thought i was dead for sure and called 911 , well the fire dept came and called in a life flight (helicoptor) to fly me to nearest hospital 35 miles away , i do not remember any of the ride to hospital at all no cops no lights sirens no nothing , i laied in the hospital  17 days in a comma , with punctured left lung smashed beyond repair was my left collar bone now a steel plate and screws , 5 broken ribs , a blood clot on brain ,i can't remember any of it  nothing but  loss of all of itt , no cigaretts , so i tried to get out of bed and came to end of hoses stiched into my chest drain tubes or somthing . and i fell down on the floor , they then tiied me in the dam bed  so i could not get up for anything again 17 days later they let me come home , first thing i did was go take a long **** , and pass right out on my bathroom floor fromm blood clot on brain , back to hospital i was taken by ambulance , you see i can't even kill my self right , or couldn't that night at all i have allways swore next time i would go a little faster than 70 mph im on my way i lost my liscense to drive got it back and been sober since not a drop im ready to start drinking again with MOON SHINE i make from hard apple cider  190 proof at least it's off the scale of the hydrometer i used to check alcohol content sure burns a pretty blue flame and wow what a punch it has two shots and 2 beers id be on the floor growing bananna tress right in my living room for breakfast cereal in the morning i **** you all not it's the real me here im pissed off and do not have any place to to go i ramble on hopeing to find a cure i have and the cure i find is DEATH to end all the misery and shame of suffering at once for once and all                 tim58  

[dominosarah]

Come back and talk with us........sara

[dominosarah]

Death is not the answer tim.  We are here  to listen and help you sort all of this out.  I do understand the insanity you are living and have lived, right down to the banana tree growing in your living room.   You are on some pretty heavy pain meds and wd's are hell.  You have your meds now right?  Do you still have insurance?