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9 year old girl very socially backward
I have a nine year old step daughter. Her mom & dad divorced when she was 3. Neither have remarried, but her dad and I have been together for 4 years and her mom dates, frequently. They have shared parenting where they each have her every three days for three days. Their work schedules are not a normal 9-5 M-F so they will "trade" days if they have to work on their scheduled day with their daughter. So, she rarely goes to a babysitter and is mostly with one of the parents - or with me, if needed.
When she was 2, and her parents were still married, she began going to daycare during the day while they were at work. After they divorced, she remained in that same daycare with the same schedule, but NEVER adjusted. She cried everyday when dropped off no matter which parent dropped her off. Would always ask the night before if she had to go to daycare the next day knowing full well that she would have to. She would make herself physically ill and would cry the whole next morning before even leaving the house. Then she began going to school. She would be dropped off at daycare in the morning and ride a bus to school from the daycare. In the afternoon, she would be bussed back to the daycare from the school. This was fine for the first week or two and then the school changed their bussing staff. The same person would take her every morning, but there was a different bus driver each afternoon. This would litterally freak her out. She would cry and refuse to get on the bus for fear that the afternoon bus driver would not take her where she needed to go. So, the parents changed their work schedules to pick her up every afternoon so she wouldn't have to be upset everyday. She still rode the bus every morning (and still cried being dropped off at daycare), but now she began to obsess over who was picking her up that afternoon and making sure she reminded them at least two or three times the evening before. She would always claim that she needed to remind them because she was afraid that they would forget her (and neither ever had/has)
Now she is nine and the behavior has gotten a little better, but the anxiety is still there. She no longer goes to daycare, but occasionally will go to a babysitter in the morning who will then take her to school. This was an adjustment at first, but now does not seem to be an issue. However, the obsession over who is picking her up from school is still an issue. If they are not there at the precise time school is let out, she cries and panics and makes herself sick.
Several years ago, she began taking gymnastics. For the first few months, the parents both went to her classes together. Then only one began going if it was "their" day with her. Then they began dropping her off and running errands and picking her up when it was over. She took a year off and has started back up this year. After about two months of going, her mom & dad would go to drop her off, she would SCREAM and cry, "Please don't leave me here - I don't want you to go!" She has known her gymnastics teacher for 4 years. It's not like she is being left with a complete stranger in a strange environment. Dad gives in and stays and mom sticks to her guns and leaves (even if she really has nothing else to do for the hour and a half). She does this same thing if she is going to be left with anyone - including relatives. She will not stay at her grandparents (whom she is around all the time). She will cry and make herself physically ill if left for only a couple of hours with an aunt (who again she is around all the time and who has cousins her same age to play with). Now she has begun tutoring at school. She is an A & B student, but her mom believes she could use the extra help and social activity. It is for an hour and a half once a week and began last night. The tutoring is at her school and is immediately following school being let out. She cried for the first 45 minutes of the tutoring last night and refused to participate claiming she wanted her mom or dad to come get her because she did not want to be there. The tutoring is with a teacher whom she is very familiar with.
I have (more than once) advised her dad to speak to the mom about getting her into counseling. Scholastically she is right on target, but socially she is not. I feel that instead of tutoring she should be in counselling. She worries about everything. If there is an illness (like a cold or this whole H1N1) she freaks out that she will get it and it won't ever go away. She constantly washes her hands (obssive-like) and pulls her sleeves down over her hands so she doesn't make physical contact with anything. I have talked to her mom about this and she is well aware that it goes on. She kind of makes a joke of it and drops the conversation. They have had her counseling once before, three years ago, for a total of 2 sessions. Mom didn't feel it was going anywhere and stopped the sessions. Again, the daughter cried before each session and begged not to have to go back. I feel they were both influenced by this behavior and that is the real reason the sessions stopped. Is this normal behavior? Please help!!!
When she was 2, and her parents were still married, she began going to daycare during the day while they were at work. After they divorced, she remained in that same daycare with the same schedule, but NEVER adjusted. She cried everyday when dropped off no matter which parent dropped her off. Would always ask the night before if she had to go to daycare the next day knowing full well that she would have to. She would make herself physically ill and would cry the whole next morning before even leaving the house. Then she began going to school. She would be dropped off at daycare in the morning and ride a bus to school from the daycare. In the afternoon, she would be bussed back to the daycare from the school. This was fine for the first week or two and then the school changed their bussing staff. The same person would take her every morning, but there was a different bus driver each afternoon. This would litterally freak her out. She would cry and refuse to get on the bus for fear that the afternoon bus driver would not take her where she needed to go. So, the parents changed their work schedules to pick her up every afternoon so she wouldn't have to be upset everyday. She still rode the bus every morning (and still cried being dropped off at daycare), but now she began to obsess over who was picking her up that afternoon and making sure she reminded them at least two or three times the evening before. She would always claim that she needed to remind them because she was afraid that they would forget her (and neither ever had/has)
Now she is nine and the behavior has gotten a little better, but the anxiety is still there. She no longer goes to daycare, but occasionally will go to a babysitter in the morning who will then take her to school. This was an adjustment at first, but now does not seem to be an issue. However, the obsession over who is picking her up from school is still an issue. If they are not there at the precise time school is let out, she cries and panics and makes herself sick.
Several years ago, she began taking gymnastics. For the first few months, the parents both went to her classes together. Then only one began going if it was "their" day with her. Then they began dropping her off and running errands and picking her up when it was over. She took a year off and has started back up this year. After about two months of going, her mom & dad would go to drop her off, she would SCREAM and cry, "Please don't leave me here - I don't want you to go!" She has known her gymnastics teacher for 4 years. It's not like she is being left with a complete stranger in a strange environment. Dad gives in and stays and mom sticks to her guns and leaves (even if she really has nothing else to do for the hour and a half). She does this same thing if she is going to be left with anyone - including relatives. She will not stay at her grandparents (whom she is around all the time). She will cry and make herself physically ill if left for only a couple of hours with an aunt (who again she is around all the time and who has cousins her same age to play with). Now she has begun tutoring at school. She is an A & B student, but her mom believes she could use the extra help and social activity. It is for an hour and a half once a week and began last night. The tutoring is at her school and is immediately following school being let out. She cried for the first 45 minutes of the tutoring last night and refused to participate claiming she wanted her mom or dad to come get her because she did not want to be there. The tutoring is with a teacher whom she is very familiar with.
I have (more than once) advised her dad to speak to the mom about getting her into counseling. Scholastically she is right on target, but socially she is not. I feel that instead of tutoring she should be in counselling. She worries about everything. If there is an illness (like a cold or this whole H1N1) she freaks out that she will get it and it won't ever go away. She constantly washes her hands (obssive-like) and pulls her sleeves down over her hands so she doesn't make physical contact with anything. I have talked to her mom about this and she is well aware that it goes on. She kind of makes a joke of it and drops the conversation. They have had her counseling once before, three years ago, for a total of 2 sessions. Mom didn't feel it was going anywhere and stopped the sessions. Again, the daughter cried before each session and begged not to have to go back. I feel they were both influenced by this behavior and that is the real reason the sessions stopped. Is this normal behavior? Please help!!!
Thank you both so much for the speedy response. Everyone invovled believes this all stems from separation anxiety when the parents divorced, but I don't feel it's ever been taken seriously enough.
Mom was abused as a child and it wasn't until late teen/early adult years that the abuse came out. Her parents strongly recommneded therapy. She participated in one session and didn't feel it was going to do her any good so she gave up. I believe she is passing these same notions down to her daughter.
Here is my next dilemma - while you have both convinced me that what I've been thinking all along is right and therapy is the best method to "fix" or control her anxiety, how do I convince mom & dad of this? They get along well for a divorced couple, but mom is VERY head strong and calls most of the shots. Dad doesn't like to "upset the apple cart" by giving his opinion. So he goes with the flow and deals with the behavior as it comes.
They both feel she will outgrow this, but I don't feel that way. I see it getting worse in different ways as she gets older. Obviously her teachers are seeing this behavior at school, but they have never addressed it with either parent except to tell them that she had an "episode" that day.
Am I making mountains out of mole hills?
Mom was abused as a child and it wasn't until late teen/early adult years that the abuse came out. Her parents strongly recommneded therapy. She participated in one session and didn't feel it was going to do her any good so she gave up. I believe she is passing these same notions down to her daughter.
Here is my next dilemma - while you have both convinced me that what I've been thinking all along is right and therapy is the best method to "fix" or control her anxiety, how do I convince mom & dad of this? They get along well for a divorced couple, but mom is VERY head strong and calls most of the shots. Dad doesn't like to "upset the apple cart" by giving his opinion. So he goes with the flow and deals with the behavior as it comes.
They both feel she will outgrow this, but I don't feel that way. I see it getting worse in different ways as she gets older. Obviously her teachers are seeing this behavior at school, but they have never addressed it with either parent except to tell them that she had an "episode" that day.
Am I making mountains out of mole hills?
I, too, believe this child is suffering from anxiety - could be social anxiety or generalized anxiety or obsessive compulsive anxiety or separation anxiety or a combination of any or all (frankly, which one is probably irrelevant). I might suggest you google the phrase "anxiety disorders in children" or "school refusal" or "behaviors of children suffering from anxiety" or similar words/phrases to educate yourself about this issue.
She really needs to see her family doctor for a referral to a medical mental health specialist (the key words being "medical") - for example; a child psychiatrist or child neurologist or any medical mental health specialist with experience in anxiety disorders (a child psychologist would not be able to prescribe medication if required and so would not use this route unless the GP would deal with the medication aspect). Treatment usually is multi-modal - as intervention, therapy and/or medication (thus the reason this child's"couselling" with no other aspect of treatment was not effective). I really suspect this child will require medication to lessen her anxiety to the point where therapy and/or intervention can be of value. As the above poster mentioned, anxiety is highly treatable; however, the earlier the diagnosis the shorter the treatment. This issue should have been addressed years ago but it never is too late as this child will not outgrow her anxiety nor will it go away (but you have already figured that out).
Best of luck to you - this child and her family have a long, difficult road ahead but there is hope for a "normal" life. I wish you the best ....
She really needs to see her family doctor for a referral to a medical mental health specialist (the key words being "medical") - for example; a child psychiatrist or child neurologist or any medical mental health specialist with experience in anxiety disorders (a child psychologist would not be able to prescribe medication if required and so would not use this route unless the GP would deal with the medication aspect). Treatment usually is multi-modal - as intervention, therapy and/or medication (thus the reason this child's"couselling" with no other aspect of treatment was not effective). I really suspect this child will require medication to lessen her anxiety to the point where therapy and/or intervention can be of value. As the above poster mentioned, anxiety is highly treatable; however, the earlier the diagnosis the shorter the treatment. This issue should have been addressed years ago but it never is too late as this child will not outgrow her anxiety nor will it go away (but you have already figured that out).
Best of luck to you - this child and her family have a long, difficult road ahead but there is hope for a "normal" life. I wish you the best ....
I agree she sounds like she is suffering from anxiety, poor girl. She has had a lot of disruption in her life even just by the differing work schedules of her parents. (It does sound like they are trying hard!!! And doing their best!!!) Anxiety is treatable. A child psychologist would be excellent here. Good luck and it is nice you care for her so much.
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