Does the punishment fit the crime?

[rasmom]

I have a very sweet, polite, intelligent 7 year old daughter.  Her father and I are divorced and he has been remarried for about a year and a half, but we all get along fairly well and try very hard to raise her with consistency.  This year
she moved to public school after being something of a "star" in the private school where she attended kindergarten.  My daughter's first grade teacher runs a very tight ship.  The children are disciplined on a "light system" (green=good, yellow=you've been warned a few times, red=poor behavior).  The same system was used in kindergarten we rarely had problems.  First grade has been another story...  She regularly comes home having received a yellow light for the day.  We've met with the teacher several times, and while she never describes my daughter as a troublemaker, she does say that my daughter speaks out of turn, has trouble staying focused on her work and tends to waste time rather than get her work done in a timely manner. She makes it clear that none of this is tolerated in her class.  At one point, the principal spoke to this teacher and asked her to ease up on her students a bit.  Much of what they are working on is a review of what she learned in her kindergarten year, so she complains that it's "boring".  Her father and I had a system of discipline set up for her yellow lights, but dad has become increasingly frustrated.  A yellow light used to mean no tv and no dessert until there is another green light day, but now he is sending our daughter  to her room the moment she gets home from school, she remains there until dinner and then straight to bed after dinner.  The punishment at my house remains the same no dessert or tv.  I don't feel comfortable with the lack of consistency, but my daughter frequently cries about going to school.  She says, "I know I'll get in trouble and you and Daddy will be mad at me again".  Her grades are A's right now, but I worry that she is going to begin to hate school and start to slip.  As for Dad, his parents were overly strict and he reacted by being extremely rebellious. Does his punishment of spending all day in her room fit the crime, or are we crushing her spirit?

[rasmom]

You would be correct in guessing that my daughter's teacher prefers the more quiet and studious children.  She makes a point of telling me that my daughter is doing extremely well on her schoolwork.  Each day I ask about her behavoir and if a yellow light has been given, I always ask for details.  Her teacher's response is almost always a variation on how my daughter needs to be able to work independently without losing focus or talking to other children.  She feels that there are students who need individual attention, and my child is far enough ahead to get her work done without extra help.  I understand the pressure on teachers to ensure that "no child is left behind", and I agree that my daughter does not require some of the special direction that other students may need, but she is still a seven year old girl.  They are still in the process of learning that they need to practice self control when it comes to sharing their thoughts or emotions.  Each time her teacher and I have a conversation we try to come up with a new solution.  Helping other students seemed to be a possibility, but I am not entirely sure that her teacher is all that committed to trying to help my daughter with her "problem".  My bigger concern is the punishment her father is handing out.  In my daugher's eyes, he believes her teacher over her.  He has told me that if spending days in her room thinking about her behavior is the only way to get through to her, then that is what she'll do.  I feel like he has gotten out of hand with this, but this is the first time we've really been deadlocked over disciplining our daugher.  He thinks I'm too lenient, (I'm not allowing tv or treats on yellow days).  Should a 7 year old be spending all day in her room on days that she gets a yellow light at school?  I think there must be a better solution...

[tersio]

Great advice, I think I might ask my child's teacher's opinion of class dynamics and get a better idea of what she happening.

[RockRose]

I'm curious about specifically what your daughter is doing that's earning the yellow lights.  

In your opinion,  does she honestly not  know how to correct this behavior and earn green lights?  There are two kinds of kids where this system fails - kids who don't want to correct their behavior because they don't care about the consequences,  and kids who really can't seem to predict when a behavior will get them a yellow light.  Some of that obviously is the teacher's personality.

I would bet in kindergarten,  her teacher most favored boisterous,  energetic leader like children,  and this teacher prefers quiet studious humble children,  and that could be the entire difference in her level of success in each class.

Maybe if she's given a yellow light,  the teacher could jot down a couple phrases about what caused the yellow light?  i.e.,  talking during story time,  running to lunch,  not finishing 2 classwork sets,  etc.  It would be enlightening for you to get a grasp on the day.

Next year,  I'd request a teacher who likes louder but cooperative children who enjoy getting A's.  I bet the principal will work with you.

[sehrn]

no, it doesn't.  your daughter's teacher needs to give your daughter more challenging work to do at school.  You don't want your daughter to become bored with school.  Even at 6 we all need challenges.