Step-Daughter

[aruth]

Ok, so this is technically not my forum but I am hoping you ladies can help me out...I am 31 yrs old and 34 weeks pregnant following 2 ectopic pregnancies. I do have a son that I had 15 years ago when I was only 16. I married my high school sweetheart almost a year and a half ago (we dated right after I had my son for about a year and then went our separate ways, reconnected about 4-5 years ago, started dating about 3 years ago and got married 1 1/2 years ago). During those 10 years we were not together he was dating this woman, she got pregnant and so he married her. They separated 2 years later and divorced a few years after that (they had been divorced about 3-4 years when we got together). Anyway, about a month before our wedding we found out that his ex was dropping his daughter off to live with her first ex-husband. My husband took her to court and won temporary custody with supervised visitation (during court we found out she had a major drug problem). Then this past Feb his ex just vanished, no one has seen or heard from her at all (missing persons report was filed). So I have really been the only mother figure to my step daughter. Problem is, she will not listen to me at all. I feel like she does not like me or my son and wishes her dad had never married me.  My husband talked to both kids before he proposed and she said ok and seemed excited. I have tried everything I can think of, but nothing works. She walks away from me when I am talking, will not talk to me at all if my husband is home, doesn't do her chores (bring trash can and newspapers in, keep room cleaned...thats it). When asked about her chores she says she has to many and doesn't want to do them (my son does everything else around the house to help us out). We have tried grounding her, counseling, talking to her, even spanking but nothing. She has told her grandparents that she doesn't like me and we are trying to replace her mom with me. That is not the case, she has a picture of her mom in her room, she calls me by my first name (which I am fine with) and still visits her moms family all the time. I have tried taking her out just the 2 of us but she won't listen so it makes it hard, I gave her her first birthday party that was just hers and she got to pick out the theme and everything. I just don't know what to do. She is 9 by the way. My husband tries to help but she is almost as bad for him too. Anyone have any suggestions??? Sorry so long!

[specialmom]

Totally agree with rockrose and the above approach is a bit frightening for a 9 year old child in the circumstance the poster describes.  I  wouldn't allow that approach in our foster system let alone in a step parenting situation.  

Anyway, I think it can take time.  And this child has had the drama of an addict for a parent that she now doesn't see.  That's so hard on a child.  And then to acclimate to another person's (yours) rules and regulations when it is very different is hard.  I'm not a super stickler myself for some of what you mention----  but my kids are well behaved, straight A students, GOOD kids.  I just don't get all into them having chores and working around the house.  We have clean it up day and we all spend some time in our rooms but I pretty much take care of the household chores while their 'job' is school or their sports team, etc.  Just a different approach---  with neither being right or wrong.  But my kids would have a hard time being thrust into a different environment where the rules and expectations were different.  It would take them time to A. do what is asked routinely without reminders and B act like they weren't confused and irritated about it (as they weren't expected to do that when they lived with ME, their mom.  (and all kids hurt when they have a parent in such chaos as drug addiction).

So, be patient.  Help the child along and perhaps some counseling would help.  good luck and I'm glad you are their for this child.  peace

[reesmom]

Hi I may be able to help if you are a stick to it person. First why am I a know it all. I am a foster perant who takes on children from shady pasts. I try to do the best with them, and make them the best I can for as long as I have them. No counseling is great, but they are not there to rise the kid, so don't expect that to fix it all. It will only help how she feels not how she has been raised. Structure is your best friend. I know you'd like this girl to like you,but right now your job is to rise her. She has lots of friends at school. She needs the parental influence she has been lacking, and secretly craves. Her behavior makes sense. She has had no solid thing in her life. No solid perant.she is taking you for a test drive " make me mind" take that literally!!she is testing wether you are safe, have skills,care,..... Kids feel safe with boundaries, and rules. They resist because you need skills to stop them running into a brick wall its like " can she" "lets see" stop taking things personal she is scared she still feels that a grown up lacks skills, and stick to it enough to be safe for her. Or long term for her. As far as replacing her mom. Just remind her you are not her mom. You are you. But as a child in her home you will do your job. You can let her know you'd like her to like you but you have a job to do. Her choses will make living here fun, or not fun it will be up to her. Change like 3 major things at a time. First should be how you ask for things to be done. Example my kids have night clean up. We break it down. Before dinner they clean room, pick out cloths for tomorrow. Coats backpack... Set out for tomorrow.I give a worning. 30 min before dinner. When I place dinner on the table I say you may come sit at my table when your list is done. Check it! Don't give in. They will say you are starving me. Or other fit only reply the same thing your dinner is on the table you may sit at my table when you are done with your list. Try whenever possible to make transitioning to the next thing happens after compliance to move forward. (ie room clean than dinner) don't get ridiculous but every time she minds you the next time will be easier. She may feel listening,or liking you is a betrayal to mom. Understand that she had no control of this change so Making it a choice is key. She promised herself things that she wasn't going to do as defense of powerlessness only she can let herself off the hook or know what they were.you have to get through her cold wave before you can work on a relationship with her.every time you make a small break through she will let herself off the hook a little more, wile learning you are strong, and safe. Let her know there is lots of time for the two of you to deside if you like each other, and that's not a decision that has to be made now. She doesn't have to like you to follow the rules. As far as the baby goes I took you to mean that with all this new responsabillity a baby seems overwhelming at this time. So let me day with this chose thing you will notice reduced stress. There is no fighting. Theses are the choices. That cold font coming down will fall down to baby dad new bro. Remind her the baby is family and will need her. This is your baby too.she is a very important family member and belongs there. The baby would be sad to not have the great sister i know you will be.this will be the person who loves you your hole life. You don't have to like me to love the baby. You don't have to like me at all, but some time id hope you could chose to like me. The law states you are to provide a roof, food,and a drink. Strip the room of all butt mattress cloths in box and blankets. You may chose to have your things when you chose  to be respectful, and help in my home. If she starts to increase behavior remind her pbj and water are still food.remind her what is a right, and what is a privilege.all privileges are earned. Each and every request is met with you may bla bla bla when you chose to bla. Third make an unspoken example of your son. Thank so much for helping. I appreciate you so much.do not say why can't you be like ..... Ask what he is saving up for with alawance he is earning for chores that she "can".  ask  Ask her well what would you save up for when you start making good choices? It takes the your mean out no you made the choice .your starving me .no dinner was provided you were told how to get it you chose to.....if she begins to make a turnaround celebrate with her that you like to see her making good choices. I'm mean I throw in if room is not clean by bed time they chose for me to do it. I walk in with a big trash bag in it all goes not to be seen untill earned back one piece at a time.all my kids love me we got past the nasty part and the I had a talk now that you are making good choices most of the time we can work on being friends,but I have a gob to do first so how much time we have to do that will be up to your choices. Take what feels good to you good luck let us know how you are doing.try this before you deside to go. Leaving now will make it harder on your husband as yet another adult up,and left her. He will need help. Does your relationship with your son affect the one with husband? Each relationship is bilt on its own foundation. Get through the cold front. Manage the Childs behavior,and fear. The other side is beautiful and calm. You could turn around somebody,s life right now the greatest gift of love. Be unrelentingly firm for her own good and that of all the other future people who come to know her. You could make the future her a much better person. A gift for all.you'll learn alot by the time the baby comes you'll be ready for all. You thought there were no labor pains with kids that aren't bio this is them. Are kids are worth it, and she will be to.

[reesmom]

Hi I may be able to help if you are a stick to it person. First why am I a know it all. I am a foster perant who takes on children from shady pasts. I try to do the best with them, and make them the best I can for as long as I have them. No counseling is great, but they are not there to rise the kid, so don't expect that to fix it all. It will only help how she feels not how she has been raised. Structure is your best friend. I know you'd like this girl to like you,but right now your job is to rise her. She has lots of friends at school. She needs the parental influence she has been lacking, and secretly craves. Her behavior makes sense. She has had no solid thing in her life. No solid perant.she is taking you for a test drive " make me mind" take that literally!!she is testing wether you are safe, have skills,care,..... Kids feel safe with boundaries, and rules. They resist because you need skills to stop them running into a brick wall its like " can she" "lets see" stop taking things personal she is scared she still feels that a grown up lacks skills, and stick to it enough to be safe for her. Or long term for her. As far as replacing her mom. Just remind her you are not her mom. You are you. But as a child in her home you will do your job. You can let her know you'd like her to like you but you have a job to do. Her choses will make living here fun, or not fun it will be up to her. Change like 3 major things at a time. First should be how you ask for things to be done. Example my kids have night clean up. We break it down. Before dinner they clean room, pick out cloths for tomorrow. Coats backpack... Set out for tomorrow.I give a worning. 30 min before dinner. When I place dinner on the table I say you may come sit at my table when your list is done. Check it! Don't give in. They will say you are starving me. Or other fit only reply the same thing your dinner is on the table you may sit at my table when you are done with your list. Try whenever possible to make transitioning to the next thing happens after compliance to move forward. (ie room clean than dinner) don't get ridiculous but every time she minds you the next time will be easier. She may feel listening,or liking you is a betrayal to mom. Understand that she had no control of this change so Making it a choice is key. She promised herself things that she wasn't going to do as defense of powerlessness only she can let herself off the hook or know what they were.you have to get through her cold wave before you can work on a relationship with her.every time you make a small break through she will let herself off the hook a little more, wile learning you are strong, and safe. Let her know there is lots of time for the two of you to deside if you like each other, and that's not a decision that has to be made now. She doesn't have to like you to follow the rules. As far as the baby goes I took you to mean that with all this new responsabillity a baby seems overwhelming at this time. So let me day with this chose thing you will notice reduced stress. There is no fighting. Theses are the choices. That cold font coming down will fall down to baby dad new bro. Remind her the baby is family and will need her. This is your baby too.she is a very important family member and belongs there. The baby would be sad to not have the great sister i know you will be.this will be the person who loves you your hole life. You don't have to like me to love the baby. You don't have to like me at all, but some time id hope you could chose to like me. The law states you are to provide a roof, food,and a drink. Strip the room of all butt mattress cloths in box and blankets. You may chose to have your things when you chose  to be respectful, and help in my home. If she starts to increase behavior remind her pbj and water are still food.remind her what is a right, and what is a privilege.all privileges are earned. Each and every request is met with you may bla bla bla when you chose to bla. Third make an unspoken example of your son. Thank so much for helping. I appreciate you so much.do not say why can't you be like ..... Ask what he is saving up for with alawance he is earning for chores that she "can".  ask  Ask her well what would you save up for when you start making good choices? It takes the your mean out no you made the choice .your starving me .no dinner was provided you were told how to get it you chose to.....if she begins to make a turnaround celebrate with her that you like to see her making good choices. I'm mean I throw in if room is not clean by bed time they chose for me to do it. I walk in with a big trash bag in it all goes not to be seen untill earned back one piece at a time.all my kids love me we got past the nasty part and the I had a talk now that you are making good choices most of the time we can work on being friends,but I have a gob to do first so how much time we have to do that will be up to your choices. Take what feels good to you good luck let us know how you are doing.try this before you deside to go. Leaving now will make it harder on your husband as yet another adult up,and left her. He will need help. Does your relationship with your son affect the one with husband? Each relationship is bilt on its own foundation. Get through the cold front. Manage the Childs behavior,and fear. The other side is beautiful and calm. You could turn around somebody,s life right now the greatest gift of love. Be unrelentingly firm for her own good and that of all the other future people who come to know her. You could make the future her a much better person. A gift for all.you'll learn alot by the time the baby comes you'll be ready for all. You thought there were no labor pains with kids that aren't bio this is them. Are kids are worth it, and she will be to.

[reesmom]

Hi I may be able to help if you are a stick to it person. First why am I a know it all. I am a foster perant who takes on children from shady pasts. I try to do the best with them, and make them the best I can for as long as I have them. No counseling is great, but they are not there to rise the kid, so don't expect that to fix it all. It will only help how she feels not how she has been raised. Structure is your best friend. I know you'd like this girl to like you,but right now your job is to rise her. She has lots of friends at school. She needs the parental influence she has been lacking, and secretly craves. Her behavior makes sense. She has had no solid thing in her life. No solid perant.she is taking you for a test drive " make me mind" take that literally!!she is testing wether you are safe, have skills,care,..... Kids feel safe with boundaries, and rules. They resist because you need skills to stop them running into a brick wall its like " can she" "lets see" stop taking things personal she is scared she still feels that a grown up lacks skills, and stick to it enough to be safe for her. Or long term for her. As far as replacing her mom. Just remind her you are not her mom. You are you. But as a child in her home you will do your job. You can let her know you'd like her to like you but you have a job to do. Her choses will make living here fun, or not fun it will be up to her. Change like 3 major things at a time. First should be how you ask for things to be done. Example my kids have night clean up. We break it down. Before dinner they clean room, pick out cloths for tomorrow. Coats backpack... Set out for tomorrow.I give a worning. 30 min before dinner. When I place dinner on the table I say you may come sit at my table when your list is done. Check it! Don't give in. They will say you are starving me. Or other fit only reply the same thing your dinner is on the table you may sit at my table when you are done with your list. Try whenever possible to make transitioning to the next thing happens after compliance to move forward. (ie room clean than dinner) don't get ridiculous but every time she minds you the next time will be easier. She may feel listening,or liking you is a betrayal to mom. Understand that she had no control of this change so Making it a choice is key. She promised herself things that she wasn't going to do as defense of powerlessness only she can let herself off the hook or know what they were. The law states you are to provide a roof, food,and a drink. Strip the room of all butt mattress cloths in box and blankets. You may chose to have your things when you chose  to be respectful, and help in my home. If she starts to increase behavior remind her pbj and water are still food.remind her what is a right, and what is a privilege.all privileges are earned. Each and every request is met with you may bla bla bla when you chose to bla. Third make an unspoken example of your son. Thank so much for helping. I appreciate you so much.do not say why can't you be like ..... Ask what he is saving up for with alawance he is earning for chores that she "can".  ask  Ask her well what would you save up for when you start making good choices? It takes the your mean out no you made the choice .your starving me .no dinner was provided you were told how to get it you chose to.....if she begins to make a turnaround celebrate with her that you like to see her making good choices. I'm mean I throw in if room is not clean by bed time they chose for me to do it. I walk in with a big trash bag in it all goes not to be seen untill earned back one piece at a time.all my kids love me we got past the nasty part and the I had a talk now that you are making good choices most of the time we can work on being friends,but I have a gob to do first so how much time we have to do that will be up to your choices. Take what feels good to you good luck let us know how you are doing.

[rockland45]

Well, it definitely seems like you're really doing your best to make things work with your SD. And it's certainly not easy blending two families together. Hopefully, the counseling you have her in will be helpful and you'll start seeing some results in her behavior. I think, sometimes, this just takes time for kids to work through these changes and accept their "new normal." I know that doesn't make things any easier for you, so definitely surround yourself with as much support as possible. Perhaps even consider seeing a counselor on your own? They might be able to give you some guidance on connecting with your SD and maintaining your relationship with your husband through all these ups and downs. Lastly, there's a ton of great material out there on step-parenting that might be helpful. Maybe check out some of the ones by Ron Deal? I know he has a website and various books on this topic. Just some thoughts-hope they help!

rockland45
#girlluvs2garden#

[RockRose]

Well, she's 9 years old and her mother is missing.  She must wonder,  in her darkest moments,  if her mother is dead somewhere in a shallow grave,  which actually is kind of likely.

If we were to watch a videotape of a typical interaction between you and the girl,  would we say "it's obvious aruth cares about her",  "aruth enjoys being around her and loves her".  

The rule of thumb is,  children who feel welcome and loved and wanted  rarely have serious conduct issues.

[jellis32010]

I went through a very similar situation when my husband and I got together. His oldest boy was 9 and the younger boy was 5. The older BOY HATED me with passion as he felt I was replacing his mother. We went through 12 weeks of anger management plus a few years of counseling and even onto anti depressants. The mother completely walked away and I was able to adopt the boys in 2011. It has taken a VERY long time for us to get on good terms and even still have bad days. He was very defiant and argued with everything I have said or asked of him. I does get better but it takes a lot of work from everyone involved. All you can do is be there for her and remind her you would never replace her mother but you are the one helping dad care for her.

[Peachy1584]

That poor girl has had a lot of disappointment. I don't believe in hitting children as it only breeds animosity and anger. Counseling isn't something to try it's something you have to stick with and I think she needs it. Even though her mother was bad she loves her and probably has severe abandonment issues and has to share her dad with you. Not only does she need counseling the whole family does. It's not just her problem it's all of yours. If you all go (even at seperate times) it's a group effort and she isn't being singled out. Even when you don't feel like it tell her you love her every day. She needs unconditional love and positive reinforcement. Try to focus on any good no matter how small and give less attention for the negative. Teen years are tough so it's  important to be aggressive about this now. Make sure to include her in everything. She can't be replaced and neither can her mother. Children don't reason they react. My heart breaks for her. It's not fair but in time she will learn to love and trust again when given nothing but love, patience and understanding. I wish you and your family the very best..

[happybaby2015]

A tough one....everyone makes good & valid points but you also cannot raise a child out of guilt. No matter her experiences disrespect cannot be tolerated. She needs love but she also needs discipline & structure because that's a part of loving a child. But it will take you & dad being on one accord & enforcing the same things in your household. Kids are extremely smart so surely she may learn to use manipulation tactics to turn things in her favor. You have other kids that are watching the way she's acting & they will start to be influenced by that. Go on a fun family outing, explain the rules, explain the consequences, if the rules are broken ENFORCE the consequences!

[2cherubsntwingirls]

Blended families are so hard. I am so sorry. You are also dealing with a child that has serious abandonment issues. Her Mom of all people have just up and left her and has forgotten her. In order to protect herself from being hurt again she put up a huge wall. Especially for a mother like figure. I am sure she is just waiting for you to leave too. When someone has had so much bad stuff and chaos in their life (sounds like her) they almost get anxiety when things are going smoothly BC subconsciously they know things will fall apart soon. So they create chaos themselves. I would say keep her in therapy find someone who can help her with some of this stuff. Continue to try to show her you love her and support her. It may be a slow process but eventually the wall will come down. Also perhaps you too should talk to someone, like I said blended families are tough especially when dealing with these issues. This could help you process your emotions too.  

[WhiteJasmineRose3]

She probably honestly misses her own mother and usually kids like seeing their biological parents together unfortunately there's nothing you can do. I'm so sorry you're going through this I hope she straightens up maybe you should try harder to build a relationship with her or win her over.

[aruth]

How she will act when the baby is born is one of many concerns...I have tried to include her on getting things ready for the baby but she doesn't seem interested. She tells everyone she is mad that its a boy and not a girl. She has had a lot of adjustments and I try to keep that in my mind (my son has as well, but not as many as her...he just went from it being only me and him to all of a sudden having a dad (his is MIA since pregnancy) and a sister). I try to be understanding about the changes and adjustments which is one reason why I put her in counseling. I am also worried she will get worse as she gets older and I don't want that to happen either. She is very smart and understands a lot for 9yo. My husband is ready to take Christmas away, he has told her Santa probably won't bring her anything unless she straightens up big time. I told him we couldn't just take it away totally (I feel like that would make it worse...maybe nothing from Santa but still gifts from us??). My main concern is that I want her to be happy but I also want her to show respect. You made a good point about her moms divorces though too, I hadn't thought of that. I will say I have questioned staying with my husband through all this. I can't bear the thought of them both not in my life but I also don't want to come between their relationship... Does that make sense?? Maybe that's just the hormones!

[LoveCake98]

So is your concern about how she will react to the new baby?  It sounds like she has had some difficult transitions in her 9 years and this will be another hard adjustment.  I would try to give her the feeling of more control over her life.  For example, post a list of chores and everyone chooses their chores for that week.  Obv there have to be consequences when chores don't get done so be up front about what the consequences will be and follow through.

Also let her know you love her (in a way that she understands--hug or time or doing things for her--however will get through) and that you're avail to talk anytime about the new baby or any other topic.  Maybe she sees you & dad excited about new baby and questions her own mother's abandonment of her.  9 yo's understand a lot. I know I was very independent at 9!  I wanted to live alone so I could get away from my family drama & I was mad that I was a child & unable to get away.

Blended families are not easy and she may have trouble buying into the whole thing for fear that it won't last. Her mother divorced twice so why assume you'll be around for good, you know?