disrespectful daughter of my partner

[djgodman]

i'm living together with my partner and her daughter for 2 years now.  her daughter's now 12 years old and i can't stand her being disrespectful anymore.  the last i talked to her was 2weeks ago.  i'm so bothered and weighed down by our rift, she's the opposite.  i don't know what to do anymore.  i don't want her mom to be torn between the 2 of us.  do i stay or move out?  do i keep ignoring her daughter?  it's tearing me apart.  any advise please.  thanks!

[Izzitekk]

I have a completely different opinion than the previous respondant. I am involved in a relationship in which I am the mother of my biological daughter that is 11yrs old. My fiance and I have been together for almost two years now. I was also a child of the same situation. I remember not having a 'father figure' and how lost and empty it felt. To me, it seems like she is lashing out at you to get your attention. Preteens (mine is at least) are emotional balls of inner turmoil, and it can drive one bonkers! In my situation, my fiance sees her disrespect me, and she gives him the utmost respect. I know that is not your issue, but I have read many books about the importance of a male role model in a young girls life. She is trying to provoke SOME kind of reaction, and ignoring her is more than likely not what kind of reaction she innately desires. Have you tried to talk to her one on one about why she is so disrespectful to you? Call her out on it!  Ask her if you angered her, or what she would like you to do differently. Ask her why she dislikes you; it could something as simple as her fear that you are taking away her mommy, or that you give mommy more attention than her. (Kids can be quite honest, and they are very good at harboring grudges-especially little girls.) Just acknowledge her, look at her when she talks, genuinely have interest. Take her out for a bite to eat, get acquainted with her.
What does her mom say about it? Have you tried to hold a 'family meeting' over dinner to discuss the house rules of respect? If you truly don't desire a long lasting marriage/family with the mother, then yes, you should reconsider and be more cautious when getting involved with single mothers. If you want a family then you should stand firm and let the little girl know you aren't budging. Actions speak louder than words sometimes. I think it also depends on if she is involved with her biological father as well. If so, then you should strive to be a good role model and a shoulder to lean on in the upcoming teenage years. Good Luck, and I wish you the best!

[askquestions145]

Without being blunt and rude.  Yes I'd either move out and move on or realise she's a teenager (pre-teen, same thing) and that it is only going to get worse, especially if you are thinking it will just change by ignoring her.  It won't.  Of course, as I'm sure you know, its a package deal.  She's your daughter as well even though you aren't married to her bioparent.

I am sorry to be so blunt but tearing apart a bioparent and their children is one of the worst things you can do, especially if you aren't willing to be the adult and step in and do what you have to do as a parent and make the peace.  The problem won't go away until you change, it sucks but its part of being an adult and a parent.  She won't change becasue she is young and doesn't have the skill or maturity to change.  You aren't doing anyone a favor by being difficult.  Its hard but if you can't change yourself and your viewpoint, move on, although hard, you may be happier somewhere else and with someone who doesn't have children.