Tired of being told what my body can't do based on statistics!

[blossomnoddy]

Anyone else tired of being told the 'stats' of pregnancy, miscarriage etc etc?

I really hope it is alright to express my thoughts a little!  I wondered if anyone else gets a little tired of hearing the same old things....

I have a 16 year old son (from my previous marriage) and I also have a 13 month old baby from my marriage with my (now) husband.  Both times I conceived easily, and both pregnancies were absolutely text book perfect.  My first baby was born in 2 hours, and my second was just under an hour.  No stretch marks, no tearing, nothing, just perfect babies and I left the hospital on both occasions on day 2 after giving birth.

Now, I'm certainly not bragging... it's just the way my body works, and everyone is different... When I fell pregnant with my second boy, my husband and I literally had tried for two days, and by day 3 I 'knew' I was pregnant - and I was right.  I was already 40 when we tried and had my baby after I had turned 41.   During that pregnancy, every single time I saw a doctor, I was reminded again and again about my 'age', 'now that you're 40...', ' you could miscarry', 'there could be complications'.... blah blah blah.  I did the required tests during my pregnancy and the results equated me to about the 'average' risk of a 25 year old in terms of problems with pregnancy and baby.    

Truth is, every woman, who finds herself pregnant at ANY AGE, or attempts to be pregnant, 'knows' or endeavours to educate herself to know the risks - all the possible outcomes.  The stats for miscarriage is one in four, no matter what age you are.  Certainly the statistics out there seem to increase the older a woman is, but 'general statistics' don't mean a hell of a lot to each individual, it's something to take into account, but why do I need to be 'reminded' of how old I am, every time I express my desire to have a baby!!!  

I'm now 42 and since my baby turned 9 months old, my husband and I have tried to conceive again. I just would love to have one more child, a brother or sister to my little boy.  We fell pregnant after 2 months of trying and all was going well including a brilliant u/s at nearly 8 weeks with baby's strong heartbeat, although I kept commenting to my husband that I didn't feel as pregnant this time round - didn't have the same level of hormones, and then just shy of 9 weeks pregnant, I suddenly miscarried.  I bled for a total of 6 days and all has gone back to normal.

We are now trying again.

I believe I have just the same chance of miscarrying (one in four) again.  I may miscarry, or I may not, but my desire to have another baby is stronger than the fear of miscarrying again, as heartbreaking as the experience was. My heart aches every time I hear of another woman miscarrying.  Nothing prepares you for it, not even helping your closest friends through miscarriage as I have done in the past, prepares you for it.  But, I'm not going to get caught up in the sadness of our loss, rather I want to believe that all the information wasn't quite there, for some reason or not, and sometimes, when the cells come together, not all the information is passed over... and this can be one of the  reasons for a pregnancy to suddenly 'stop'.  Sadly, it's rare to truly understand what happened, so we are left with what we can only 'deem' happened and the sense of loss.  

In any case, I'm trying to remain positive, I'm approaching things realistically - but positively.  If I miscarry again, and then again, well then sure, my own 'stats' will be stacking up against me, but why do doctors 'always' have to sit and look at you and dwell on age?  When a 24 year old girl has a miscarriage, the doctors talk about the 'one in four' stats.  When a 42 year old woman has a miscarriage, suddenly the explanation is no longer the 'one in four' but it's the woman's age.  I find the fluidity of their commentary quite annoying!  

Honestly, if I had listened to all the stats and all those 'doom and gloom' doctors, I would never have even tried to conceive my now beautiful and incredibly healthy 15 month old baby boy... I was already 40 and going on 41.... and yet there I was falling pregnant within two days of trying and had an uneventful pregnancy and rapid drug free birth!

So, anyone out there who is always hearing the 'negative' talk... I say, ignore them, pay attention to the possible outcomes sure, but MOST important... hold on to your dream of having a baby and listen to your own body and remain positive!  I will have another baby, my body is fertile and working like clockwork - statistics cannot tell them that!  They can only grasp information from often limited sample populations, so in my view that's as far as you can take the 'stats'.   I wouldn't mind if the comments were constructive, but they are not, they just simply serve to make you feel as though you shouldn't even try to fulfil your dreams, and that's wrong.  Particularly after the miscarriage, I am having to work extra hard to ignore any negative comments.

Anyway, I'm sorry, I perhaps have ranted a little too much, but I am looking for some positive support!  So if anybody has any words of encouragement for me, I would be very grateful!  Please, please, don't remind me how old I am!  I know my age :)

If anything, I hope my positivity comes through this post, and anyone in a similar situation might take some heart from my words :)

I'll let my body tell me when I can and cannot have a baby - I trust in my body - not the stats! :)

Thanks in advance for reading my post everyone!  

[momof8215]

Honey...all I can say is AMEN to that and the heck with the stats...LOL!!

[PamelaBee]

Right on!  I'm an older Mom, 43 with my first and now 46 with my 4mo old baby.  I'm certainly not bragging either, but I conceived very soon after trying and had 2 healthy normal deliveries, pretty much textbook as well.  Fortunately, my OBs were never in your face with the stats or doom and gloom...they gave me the info, and let me think about it...never any pressure to do invasive tests, etc.  I have to say, every womans body is wired differently, I happen to have a healthy, and gracious : ) reproductive system, no problems.  The stats are there for a reason, only to inform--they can be scarey yes, but for the most part, women deliver full term and have healthy normal babies.  Although, someone DOES have to fill the statistics, and it can and does occur.  You've got a great attitude, and I wish you bountiful luck conceiving your next child...best wishes!  

[Fugitive06]

Hell yeah!  I'm right there with you!!

My 1st pregnancy was at age 31, an "oops!", found out at 12 weeks, uneventful pregnancy, breech at 36 weeks, unsuccessful version which kicked me into labor.  6lb 5oz girl born at 37 weeks via c/s unfortunately but only due to breech presentation.

I'm remarried now, at 39 (DH is 41) & we want one of our own.  Started trying in Aug 09 & hit it on the 1st try!  Unfortunately m/c at 11 weeks, Oct 19th.  :(
Got AF on Thanksgiving & we are trying again - AS WE SPEAK!

We told everyone at 8 weeks (too early, I know that NOW), so everyone knew I had the m/c.  They are wonderful & supportive but occasionally someone will comment on my age or go a bit overboard with the sympathy.

I go through the spiel again....
My Mom had m/c, my sister, m/c in her early 30's & then me at 37!  I was an "oops!" too.  My sister had 2 m/c around & between her 2 kids & same goes for my MIL.  A few of my friend too.  Women have them - it's not rare - I'm OK - nothing wrong with me - we're trying again - ETC.

At our age **cringe**, folks seem to assume right off the bat that we are having trouble conceiving.  I agree that every woman is different.  I'm often on the TTC after a Loss forum & I see quite a lot of women in there 20's & 30's with multiple m/cs or are having trouble month after month.

I'm wondering if all of these stats are getting muddied up by the lack of specifics - current health problems, the rise of reproductive technology, etc.  Just like home birth statistics - all out-of-hospital births are lumped together (cabs, births following no prenatal care, etc) are grouped together so when you think you are getting the stats for MW attended, planned home birth, you are getting skewed data.

I just don't want to be treated as high-risk unless I exhibit one or more factors, OTHER than my age!

P.S.  I'm in better physical condition now than I was in my 20's & 30's!!  I eat healthier too.

Fugitive (Nancy)

[kristine625]

I completely agree.  Not only tired of hearing all about these stupid stats, but other people "assuming" how I feel.

Fugitive06 hit the nail right on the head.  "Women have them - it's not rare - I'm OK - nothing wrong with me - we're trying again - ETC."   But even when I explain exactly this, people STILL insist on going on and on and on about, "Nooo, it is terrible.  It iiiis sad.  It must be soooo hard for you."

I appreciate my family and friends trying to be supportive.  But I have stopped giving them any kind of update on our efforts because it is waaaay to annoying to hear how sad and sorry people are.  I'm not sad or sorry.  So they shouldn't be either.

[Fugitive06]

Actually today at our office Holiday party, we were talking about (as women do) weight & how our clothing fit, etc.  My supervisor just lost a bit of weight.

So I chime in.  "Yeah, I gained a few lbs went I was pregnant & although it's been 2 months I have only lost one or two & NOTHING fits right, I'm going kinda nuts."

Well you would have thought that someone had said something inappropriate or off-color to or about someone else at the table.  The looks & silence...

Jeesh!  If I'm ok with it, shouldn't they be?

[adgal]

What a wonderful post!  I think you have hit the nail on the head. Your right, we are all different, and stats are just that...stats.  I am 40, pregnant with no. 1, a healthy, perfect little boy.  It wasn't exactly easy, I went through quite a bit to get here, but no regrets.  I was lucky, my OB never tried to discourage me at all...possibly because she had her first child in her early 40's and had a similar history to mine.  I did get some raised eyebrows from others though..fortunately I am stubborn and it has paid off.  This little munchkin is due on or around my 41st bday, and I fully intend to try for no. 2, I don't care what the stats say.  I feel great, and my husband and I are happy, and that is all that really matters!  Thank you for posting this, you are dead on!  Much luck with ttc...Amanda

[blossomnoddy]

Thanks girls for the TERRIFIC feedback.  It's truly wonderful to be part of this forum, I thank you very much.  

Yes, I do believe that a perfect full term birth can happen to anyone at any age, and quite simply, a miscarriage can happen too.  Miscarriage is (sadly) part of life, it is part of the childbearing years and generally does not have any bearing on future fertility.  So, IF it does happen, you have to have faith in the fact that your body has determined that the pregnancy - for reasons not often known - should not go on.  In other words, your body is being as efficient in miscarriage as it is when it births a baby at full term.  On both occasions, our bodies are in control, and we are left to play 'catch up'.  Obviously, if miscarriage occur again and again, then it is up to the woman to determine how much investigation she and her partner want to do.  We are all different.

You know it's funny, I sensed my lower levels of hormones in this last pregnancy, I commented to my husband that I didn't feel the 'euphoria' that I had felt just 13 months earlier from hormones during my second pregnancy, in fact I was quite overly irritable and agitated throughout the last 3 weeks of the pregnancy... I kind of 'sensed' something was different and only days before I miscarried I noticed my cervix was slightly open, which at the time surprised me.  Of course, my body was already getting ready to do what it needed to do and hindsight is an amazing thing, but yet, there is nothing I could've done even if I had known what was going to happen.  Which just highlights again the fact that our bodies are running the show, we can't stop it and equally we don't cause it!

I guess it all illustrates how beautifully intricate our bodies are, how amazing women truly are and what we are all capable of doing.  The more I know about my body and what I am capable of, the more I realise how much I still don't know!  I sometimes feel sorry for men... because they simply cannot do what we can do :)

It's only been 2 weeks, and my darling husband and I have already started trying.  I'm ovulating now, as I predicted I would, so we shall hope and see :)  If we are blessed to be pregnant again, I hope I can be blessed to have a healthy (first and foremost), girl .....  I have a secret stash of beautiful antique little girl's dresses - all in perfect condition - and I would simply love to be able to see my own daughter wearing them :).  My dream of having a little girl goes back to when I was little, I didn't have much of a childhood to be honest, and I'm hoping I can somehow make it all right, by giving a better life to my own little girl (if that makes any sense!).  But if it's a boy - I'll love him all the same and just make him wear the dresses ;) (only kiddin' of course!!)

Well, enough rambling.... I wish for us all, that we are blessed with whatever it is we are dreaming of and that the confidence in our own bodies is never diminished by people who simply have to explain everything away with a tick in an age box!

Every woman is so different... let's embrace it and go and do what we want to do!

Thanks again girls :) x

[adgal]

Good luck to you. You know, if it helps any, I miscarried then conceived this little guy right away...not even a period in between. So it can happen quickly afterwards and the pregnancy can be a healthy one even without waiting that full cycle in between.  I really love your attitude!!!

[TreeFrog7]

Wow - what a terrific post! It was a complete pleasure to read. You have expressed so well what a lot of us know and feel. Good luck with getting your next BFP!

Best wishes,
~Wendy

[Savanha]

The line below is music to my ears ;o)  Great post...very encouraging. I definitely ignore the naysayers. It does no good to constantly remind someone of the negative. All our bodies are different...this is the part that is often overlooked.

Your post is an encouragement to me. I've been at  this for a while and I still remain hopeful. ;o) I haven't hit the mark as many have of trying for 6+ yrs., but I've put in some time. The inspiration is that some of those same women did get a BFP & deliver healthy babies. I say never allow anyone to crush your dreams.

RSSBD To Those Hoping~~~~~


"I find the fluidity of their commentary quite annoying!"  

[Pum]

I 100% agree with everything you have said. I have conceived easily twice at 41 but have had two miscarriages. Luckily for me everyone has been very kind and the ultrasound technician said "honey I see this day in day out in women of all ages, I expect to see you back in here in a few months time" when I said my age was probably the reason for the empty sac.

Good luck for trying this month. My miscarriage wasn't as smooth as yours and I seem to be still very slightly spotting nearly 6 weeks later or I may have just had a period, who knows. Hopefully things go back to normal soon enough.

[forestfairie]

Very well said!!! Although Im one of the younger ones on this board (38 when I deliver) I get tired of people giving me the stats too! One of my friends told me so much info about the fact that Ill probably miscarry that I stopped speaking to her. Do I know the risks? Yes I do but I also know that risk is small compared to the joy of being able to have a child. Its a chance Im willing to take to be a mother again.

[ita17]

Completely agree!!!!!  What I really REALLY hate is when someone who knows we are wanting another baby, says to me "you should be happy w/the 3 you have"  OKAY, I AM!!!!  But that has NOTHING to do w/the longing of another child.......you just can't explain it.
Good luck to you;)

[blossomnoddy]

WOW.  What amazing feedback, I'm so pleased that I'm not alone!!! :) :) :)

Thank you girls.  It's so amazingly good to read your replies, today especially... I'm having the worst day- my husband and I are having in-law troubles :( - his family are exhausting both of us!!!!

To Forestfairie, that 'so-called' friend of yours?  Say, BYE BYE!!  I had a friend like that, every possible positive thing in my life, you name it, and she would always mention something negative to bring me down - and always deliver it with a saccharine smile.  

As I cradled my one month old baby boy one day in my home, she sat in the sofa next to me and watched me closely.  Soon after I had told her my age (at the time 41)  and as I stared down lovingly at my baby in my arms, I told her that I desperately wanted another little one so that the two could grow up together.  She responded..........with.... "once you turn 42 your eggs start to die".  Honestly?  She never stopped her negativity, and it didn't have to be about pregnancy.  Later she revealed that after watching me with my baby boy, all she wanted to do was have another baby - to have a baby boy.  Skip to now... and that friend is no longer and my life is far more positive.  I have completely shut her out of my life simply because she never had any positive energy to pass on to me!  She never supported me in anything I wanted to do, never praised me in the things I had already achieved and certainly NEVER encouraged me about the things I yearned to be, have or do.

Summary is, do not waste your PRECIOUS time (and every second of it) on anyone - related or not - if they are not going to 'add' to your life in some positive way.  Hey, we can all overlook stuff, gee I do it ALL the time, but after a while, when people show us again and again the stuff they are sincerely made of, it's time to call it.  Never underestimate the power of influence from people - both negative and positive!  Some people we just can't AFFORD to spend time with them - or it will cost us too much.

So, please don't accept someone as a friend if they are saying such things to you, they clearly know it will only be a negative affect... so forget them and move on - no regrets.  My only regrets in life so far.... honestly.... are wasting too much time on people who simply didn't deserve me nor my heart... and my lesson is to spend more valuable time on those people who genuinely care.  Over time, it all becomes apparent :)  And you never sweat it, you can't change people, but you can change where you spend your energy and on whom you spend it.

Thanks again to all who have taken the time to read my ridiculously long posts and further time to post back such lovely, warm and generous replies x  I appreciate them all.

Warm wishes xxxx