What do you think?

[PassionFlower09]

Do you  guys think my feelings and emotions are proportional to what I have experienced in my current relationship?

[PassionFlower09]

Well, you guys are so right.

I am playing those words over and over in my mind. I do wonder if he is really sorry. He says he is. But I always come back to how could he could allow himself to hurt me. I don't get. I don't understand.

I also feel that I don't have any closure right now.  I have so many questions that I just don't have answers to. Even if he tries to answer my questions truthfully, I am just so wary.

It is just too many unanswered questions plus a lack of trust.  It all could have been avoided if he would have just been honest.

I definitely  think there are things that I don't know. I am afraid that If I don't find out the answers or find closure then I will have to leave.  I can't bear the thought that this man cheated on me. It is just so disrespectful. I am really indignated.

He understands something, but I don't know what exactly.

I am trying to be strong. I actually do feel stronger.

[specialmom]

I also think that this is important for everyone to understand.  What you refer to his usage of hurtful words at a moment that was convenient for him.  Now you play that tape in your mind over and over.  Words can hurt as much as a weapon.  He may not understand fully that the anger you show on the outside is from such hurt.  He's not the only one that is careless with his words---------- many do that.  I can think back to each time someone has said something that cut me to the quick. It doesn't disappear.  You do forgive someone but it helps when you believe they are really sorry.  I think you wonder if he was really sorry.  Or IS really sorry.  

I know that I am sorry this has happened in your life.

[lovemykids465]

Hi Honey,
To me you seem to be getting stronger every day. IT is a tough road to walk on. I do not know much about his culture but I do know that they do look down on woman. I do not know if he immigrated here or was raised here in a traditional Turkish home but either way, he may have been raised with the notion that what he was doing was not wrong because it is not frowned upon in his culture. Not saying it is right but if it is the case you need to do what is right for you because it may not change. But if he is willing to go with you to get help ( I Know he wasn't before) then there may be hope. But to call you a monkey, IDK , so disrespectful!

[PassionFlower09]

he is turkish

[Flavoured]

May I ask what culture and language he has?

Im sorry you are going thru this, it seems to me that, something went down. And that's why he left you out of a situation you both agreed to get involved in, and then changed all the phones. A man who has nothing to hide just doesn't do that. Especially after such an occurrence.

The thing is, you are questioning your being there, no-one can tell you what to do, especially as you two are married. Whatever decision you make, you'll have to live with, bearing in mind that you deserve to be happy.
All the best.. :) xx

[PassionFlower09]

He said, I was just a monkey who can't understand his language.he thinks he can just say "sorry" or  "I was angry" and magically him saying this is forgotten.  I just don't think I can get past this.

[PassionFlower09]

We are both from different drastically different cultural backgrounds. But we have been to geather for over 10 years. It has NEVER been a problem until he meet these women.  Suddenly, they became the only ones he could talk about his "culture" with. Regardless of his male friends here  in the states and abroad.

I always found his culture to be very rich. I studied his language formally and gained intermediate language skills. So it was never a problem.Now I am just a monkey who can't understand.

I really hate him special. He just broke my heart.  

I just hurt so much sometimes despite all my progress and efforts. Sorry for venting so much.

[specialmom]

Passion, you are very articulate and told the story well.  My gut says that there is something you do not know.  I am sure it has run through your mind that he has had some type of encounter with the daughter.  I just say that because of the "he went crazy".  Not too many things make a man do that.  And then the mother's acting like she kind of "owned" your husband.  It follows in line with that line of thought.  

I don't know.  But I will tell you that what I've read before and what I've read tonight make me think that I would have left him over this.  And I'd be concerned about the next "crazy spell".  I'm not trying to be negative.  I'm pro marriage and jump on board with couples that are trying to work it out.  And I DO hope it works out for you and him.  But my warning bells are ringing for you.  I'd want to know what the heck changed that NOW he wants to be married to you and have no contact with them.  Is it their decision or his?  Ya know what I mean?  Something just isn't sitting well with me.

I think you have reason to be mad.  I'm sure you are seeing red every time you think about those women or how your husband put them first above you.  This may very well pass.  However, I just worry that your husband hasn't really answered your question as to why it happened.  And until he does and you understand it all fully, he is at risk for it happening again.  

Even if he just wanted to "save" her---------- something is odd about his behavior.  The immediate situation of dropping you out of the picture and becoming secretive.  At that point, something more was going on for him and I would really want to  know what.  So that you and HE have done the work to understand how you got derailed as a couple.  Otherwise he is just slapping a band aid on and saying it is fine.  No.  It requires some soul searching on his part and some sharing of what goes on inside of him.  Whether it is in his culture to do so or not.  

Do you have great cultural differences?  

Anyway, I do think your feelings are valid as I said.  I still feel like you are at a crossroads and are questioning if you can stay with him.  You can say that here safely.  You have to take care of you first.  He let you down.  Don't let yourself down.  
good luck ------- hard stuff to deal with.

[PassionFlower09]

Paragraph 2.

The daughter said " I am going to love my boyfriend until I stop loving him".

Paragraph 3:

In the email the mother sent, she said lets meet to talk about my daughter. My husband said they did not meet.

[PassionFlower09]

Hey Special,

I understand. The situation is confusing and unbelievable. It is like I woke up in hell one day,and now I am making the journey home- by donkey. The journey started on foot. So I guess the acquisition of a donkey means things are improving.

Maybe this explanation will help:

We both agreed to help a girl who was in trouble. We were even going to get her an apartment. The girl has an abusive boyfriend. But soon, my husband removed me from the interaction. HE was having secret meetings with her. He accepted gifts from her. spent our money on two phones to call her on ( I did not have those telephone numbers). He ate food she cooked for him.  When I told him I was uncomfortable with this situation he refused to end the interaction . He said he did not mind her calling.  He wanted to continue to help her despite my protest and her saying, " I will love him until I stop loving her". I don't know why he is so invested in this girl. I think he saw her as a daughter. But I don't give a **** about his fatherly instincts.

Then  the mother, naturally, got involved. She wanted to know who we were. Only she never talked to me. Only once when I called her and told her that we are not coming to her daughters party because I have to work. She got mad and yelled at my husband-as if she were married to him. She also told my husband that her husband doesn't touch her or have sex with her. She said she was going to divorce her husband. She sent an email to my husband saying, I am off work on Friday lets meet. I found directions  to their house in our car.  He had secret emails to the mother and secret calls. Finally the daughter told my husband that her mother was not going to divorce her husband and the mother stopped calling.

While all this is going on, I am finding bits and pieces of lies and etc. My husband said things to me like, " how can I talk to you- a monkey, about my culture (implying that he can talk to the mother about his culture)", or " you can't make me love you",. or I'd rather talk to those b*****ches, " or  " You're a b****ch" and other hurtful things. He took all my insecurities and used them against me.  I am surprised I can get up everyday- but I do because I love my job and there are people with much worse problems who I help at work every day. People at work really care about me; they don't know all this, but they are still great people who always cheer me up.  But even with them, it is hard. My husband apologized for a lot of this, but it is still difficult- but I keep going.  I am trying to forgive him because I see that he seems to be sorry. I am just not sure he is sorry enough.My husband has also insisted on changing all of our telephone numbers ( home, cell, and business). He says he doe not talk to them.But he lied so much before. It is hard to just say ok, "I believe you honey".

The girl is not his daughter. She is just some redneck-girl who immigrated to this country who he thinks needs to be saved from what she is and the life she chooses. She dates a loser who lives in small town and likely uses drugs.

I don't mean to re-hash all this drama. It is just hard, and every day I live with this and try  heal at the same time. After writing all this, I guess my question seems a bit silly. I know the answer. I just needed some support from people who are not emotionally involved- relatives sometimes can make things more complicated sometimes.

I am all for letting go of negative feelings. It took me a while to react because it all happened little by little. I was so forgiving and understanding. I wish I would have reacted when he first started this mess instead of trying to be supportive. I wish I would have said, "no this girl is not our problem. If you continue to see her I will leave- and then leave when he turned against me".

I really believe he doesn't talk to them any more. But I am still trying to heal from all the I underwent earlier this year and late last year.  Somethings just have a lasting pain. As committed as I am and wiling to forgive, I don't know that I can. Honestly this behavior was very much out of character for him.  He was ideal before all this. It is like he went crazy all of a sudden. Now he seems "normal" or he is trying to be  the way he used to be. But, I don't know if it will be enough.

[specialmom]

It is hard to say Passion as I've never fully understood what happened.  I couldn't tell if you thought he was having an affair with the mother or the daughter or if the daughter was his from a previous encounter or what exactly the situation was.

I think your husband showed signs of not being a good partner.  I think it took you a while to react to it.  Now you have.  And now it consumes you a bit.  I think everyone needs some place to vent feelings and emotions and I assume this is it for you. So on the surface of what I know, I think your feelings are valid.  If I did not have children with someone and they treated me in the arrogant and careless way your husband does you (by your description) whether he cheated or not would probably be enough for me to think I should reconsider the relationship.  I'm a loyal person but I have my limits.  However, you are choosing to stay and therefore, to ever really have an authentic relationship with him again, you will have to let the negative feelings go.  

So, it is hard for me to answer your question.