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[specialmom]

Did your parents play favorites with you and your siblings?  If so, any repercussions from it? How did you handle this with your own kids?  

[AnnieBrooke]

SM, my dad just died, and we had his memorial service last weekend. If I talk to my littlest sister about him, what I elicit from her is a tirade of *my* faults, and that of our other sisters. But especially me.  Dad's illness and death has brought all kinds of weird reactions out in her.

When Dad was ailing, she took it on herself to spend every night with him and my stepmom, to take care of him. Never mind that there was money to hire 24-hour care, and never mind that we all urged her to let paid help do at least some of it. And now that he is gone, she hates us all for "not loving Dad enough" to do the over-the-top measures she did. She did these things for reasons of her own, and it wasn't necessary that she kill herself doing it, but she feels we "didn't listen to her" about what needed to be done and blames us for not obeying her, I think. (But I wouldn't expect her to see it that way, I think she puts it on that "not loving Dad enough" thing. It's not her having a control issue, it is us failing to heed her.)

She then refused to help with the memorial service at all, but at the last moment, came rushing in like a fury when I was arranging the flowers at the church and began removing boxes and sacks and carrying them off because "people who come at 1:30 will see them" (the service was not due to begin until 2 pm. and it was not yet even close to 1:30). My husband was arranging candles in vases with pebbles to hold them up and she kept grabbing the sacks of pebbles and taking them away. Dad's illness and the stress of taking care of him seemed to have taken her to deep insecurities that people coming to the service would judge us poorly if they saw boxes that vases had come in.

All I can think of is that she was the youngest, and we all doted on her because she was so cute, and now nobody dotes on her, breaking the agreement to dote that she assumed was a life deal.  I'd be mad too, if my whole family reneged on the deal to think I was so charming I could get away with anything.

I do seem to be the one that gets her anger the most simply by being there. No matter what I might say about anything (not just my dad) and no matter how innocuous the action that I am doing, it will most often get a furious response, angry and critical. It's depressing and tiresome. I just try to mostly stay away from her, now.

[specialmom]

sisters.  They sure can be a pain in the butt.  LOL  

I'm really sorry about the loss of your dad as I've told you.  It's so hard to lose a parent no matter how old we are.  And the death of a parent brings out all sorts of things, often unexpected, between siblings.  

I feel for your sister in a way.  Losing your fan club like that is tough.  I kind of lost mine too.  My husband's gold child brother lost his as well.  He can't quite grasp that the rest of the family doesn't dote on him or think he's fabulous.  He's kind of loss.  And there is an element of some kind of enjoying that after all the years of his seemingly being favored (okay, in this case, he really WAS.).  

Family is definitely a challenge to navigate sometimes.

[dominosarah]

And by the way i look forward to your questions you ask!

[dominosarah]

Everything we have all said and experienced has defined us into who we are today.  Barb and i are empty nesters, you and Annie are in the throws of raising children in their teens or entering that challenging period.  Some days you wont think you have done one thing right and other days your boys will be those little ones that need their momma.

Dont worry about touching a nerve.  I chose to participate and felt comfortable enough with you all to say what i did.  It is healing for me.  Learn from my mistakes cuz i dont want to see you on the SA forum asking for that sort of help!!

[specialmom]

I try to balance things with my two boys.  They are so different.  My older is more challenging and always  has been.  He's my son with the developmental delay.  He's required my heart and soul to get along in life at times and he always has had it.  We are bonded in a way that is different than my younger son.  My younger son has always been 'easier'.  He's light hearted and easy going.  I have different relationships with each of them and love them both in spades.  But sometimes they each notice the relationship I have with the other.  I hope in the end, they recognize that they both mean the world to me.  

My mom and dad were really young when they had my sister and I.  I am five years younger than my sister though and it took my mom a long time to have me.  She was hard on my sister and I was the baby.  I admit it.  And I think my sister tried to be perfect and I never did.  And though I don't see my mother as overtly favoring me, I think my sister did.  When my mom passed away, it was evident the years of resentment my sister had. It's either that or my sister still trying to deal with the details of her untimely death as she died very young in a tragic way.  Hard on my sister and I and I sometimes wonder too if being mad at my mom is a defense mechanism of not feeling the pain over losing her.   To this day, I do not speak a word about my mom that is positive in front of my sister as it will elicit a tirade of her faults.  I hope my sister will forgive my mom some day-  for perceived favoritism or leaving us through her death.  I know my mom loved her very much.  I just wish my sister knew it.  

Holy cow, I went deep there.  When I wrote this question, I was mostly just thinking of parenting my kids and how one said to me that I loved the other better a couple of days ago and that bothered me.  But it's a deep issue for many.  I hope I didn't touch on any nerves and thank all for sharing!

[Barb135]

"My dad always said they have manuals to teach everything but parenthood.  You stumble, fall and get right back up and hopefully you learn from your mistakes."  

My mother used to say: "There's no crime in making a mistake; the crime is not learning from it."

I wonder if she and Sarah's dad knew each other... :-) :-)

I went to the school of hard knocks and that was my manual; I made a lot of mistakes to learn from and if we let them, they can make us better people. I've tried to take the lessons from my mistakes and move on; it's not always easy.  

I did try to use my own childhood as an example of what not to do with my own kids, but I know I still made mistakes.  I knew what not to do, but not necessarily what "to" do instead...

[dominosarah]

My kids thought i was favoring the other one too.  I think that is in a kids makeup!  I love them the same.  Each one brings something unique to the table.  

I wasnt the best mother in the world while they were growing up.  Alcohol/drugs dont make for a very good mom.  The one thing that was constant was i did love them.  The most heartbreaking time was when my daughter left me to move in with her father.  Even then i couldnt get it together.  She has expressed her guilt over moving out and i just tell her she got smarter much quicker than i did.   The feelings of favoring really came into play with both of them after that.  She felt her sister was getting all the attention with me and the youngest felt her sister was the favorite with their dad.  It was a no win situation.

My dad always said they have manuals to teach everything but parenthood.  You stumble, fall and get right back up and hopefully you learn from your mistakes.

Sorry for rambling.........

I

[AnnieBrooke]

My parents did not play favorites among me and my sisters. We each had our own ways to get attention, some were fiery and some were mopey, but that wasn't because of parental favoritism, we just each developed ways to get attention that was different than the others so we would get the attention. In fact, they told us all they loved us equally. (With five kids in the family, we did ask.)

We were all girls, I think one of my sisters felt that Dad either was disappointed not to have a son in general or possibly that he was disappointed in her for not being a son, but I don't know if anything Dad ever said made her think it or she just invented the idea out of thin air. Probably it was not a bad thing that we didn't have brothers, since those were rather sexist times in terms of raising kids. Even though my dad was a smart and liberal guy, it's possible he would have treated the girls more like archetypal girls and the boy(s) more like boys, in more sexist or traditional ways. As it was, we avoided that fate, he treated us all as people, a good thing.

In fact, that was the best thing about my dad, he was a calm, allowing person who had faith in his daughters to be competent and able, and he showed it. He was probably too relaxed! It was up to my mom to keep us safe, like when we would want to go camping alone with a girlfriend at 16 and she put her foot down because we would be "too much of a target."

[Barb135]

Sarah, I'm really sorry for what you went through.  Parents don't think about the effects of their behavior on the kids over the long term.  

My mother had a favorite, too... It was my sister that's 4 yrs older than me.  I won't go into details either, but I was the youngest of 7 and, let's just say "unexpected"... I would never be good enough.  

Although both of my kids believe I favored the other, I don't believe I did.  I love them both equally.

[dominosarah]

Barb, i was that 9 lb preemie!!!  

[Barb135]

Sarah - I'm won't put my family members out in public so there's a lot I won't go into... I wasn't a preemie, but I weighed 11+ lbs at birth, no wonder my mother had a rough time!! After that grand entrance, I spent the rest of my life underweight and under tall, until my thyroid died 10 yrs ago - now I'm just under tall... lol

[dominosarah]

Honestly this is a very painful question for me.  It happened all my life with my mother.  I wont go into great detail due to this being a public forum.  I will say from the time i can remember i was told how disappointed my dad was that i wasnt a boy. I found out at 44 yrs old that was all a lie.   I was also told my dad may have not been my biological father.  I found out at 20 he was.  Bottom line, I have a brother..........