My bf of 5 years only wants 1 child and we already have 1

[Karam1793]

Hello all. This is very hard for me. I love my bf. we've been together 5 years and we have a 2 year old together. However she's going to be 3 soon and I am having very strong feelings towards having another baby. I really really want to have another baby. We both have good jobs and a home so that's not a concern. I really think we should have another baby but every time I bring it up to him he just says yep maybe, or you never know what the future will hold. He also tells me yep Hun in a couple years or he'll say no and sometimes he says maybe before he's 30 (he's currently 25) and I think that's too big of an age gap for me. Sometimes he says he might want 2 kids at the most maybe. But this isn't what we previously discussed. When we had out daughter he said we'd have 3 at least. And I'm happy with that. I'm feeling a lot of feelings of loss and sadness this is all I want. How can I get him to understand? How can I get him to realize how important this is to me and how much that decision will affect our daughter? She wants a sibling and a playmate. How do I make him realize how selfish he's being?

[Chima7]

I think it's good that he is being honest with you. And if he is really not into the idea of another baby then don't force him. You're lucky to have one. Some women are not even that lucky. This guy is still pretty young and he is not in the mindset of parenthood yet. Maybe he will be in a few years. If there's space in age between your kids, so what? Do you really want to deal with multiple toddlers causing trouble all over the house? At least if your first gets a little older, they can help later if you have any more kids. It's a lot better than having to deal with more than one at a time! That's a fact, just ask my mom! Me and my sister are only 1 yr and 2 weeks apart. But me and my brother are 8 years apart. I loved helping my mom with my brother when he was little! He was such a cute little guy! It was fun and I'm glad for the age difference cause I got to be a chaperone for his school field trips when I was in college and he was in middle school.

[Londres70]

Agree with Tink and RR.  

This man isn't being selfish; he just isn't ready to commit to a second child.  Whether he will be in the future only time will tell.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  You've gotten good advice.  I just want to say that I understand how you feel.  You don't want your kids to be 'that' far apart in age and I get it and the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with is being wishy washy and saying no sometimes, maybe sometimes, and just not giving you a clear idea of what is ahead.  That's hard.  

Do you all have any other issues that are like this?  

I can understand hurt, frustration, and worry with his reactions to trying to plan your family life.  If he ends up saying no more kids, are you okay with that?  

I do have a good friend who wanted a few kids or at least two but after their first, her husband said he didn't want any more.  She lamented this for a long time and I think it did hurt her relationship with her husband and even her child.  She longed for that second child so much that it almost became an obsession and it was 'bigger' than enjoying what she had at the moment---  a good relationship and a healthy, happy child.  Don't let it get to that point.  

But I do agree that some kind of clearer picture of where you two are headed is important to get to.  good luck dear

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with the ladies above.  You guys simply aren't on the same page about this, which means you just have to wait it out.

Are you guys going to get married?  I would strongly recommend doing that before planning to have another child.  While I realize how common it is these days for couples to cohabitate without marriage, I don't think it's a wise choice.  There are so many benefits to making a union "official" on paper.  For one, it adds a much needed sense of stability for a child and teaches a child that a lifelong commitment is something that is a big deal and very important.  There are many just "day to day" functions as a couple that are much easier if they are married versus just living together.

Also, for legal reasons, it's much better to actually be married.  You could be together for 20 years, unmarried, buy a home together, cars, accumulate assets, and debts etc, and if you break up, you're both basically SOL.  

The legal system doesn't have any obligation to sort through those kinds of messes and most times, the judges want nothing to do with those kinds of cases.  In the same situation, where the couple is married, if the marriage fails, BOTH parties are protected under the law as far as a fair settlement to split assets and debts.  It's never good to leave yourself vulnerable to be stuck with all the debts, and no assets.  It can happen easily.

Call me old fashioned, but if a person is content with going through all the motions of marriage, including having children, a house, etc they should be willing to make it official.  I would encourage you to broach THAT topic with him before even thinking about another child.  If he refuses to consider marriage, that would be a red flag IMO.

Best of luck to you.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with RockRose

also, my opinion:

When it comes to having Children the "no" should win

Being a Parent is a  L I F E T I M E   Commitment. We have no right to expect/require that from our Partner unless B O T H of You agree.

[RockRose]

Karam,  he's not committed.  He's 25,  and he's not a committed man.  He's being selfish because he's young and he hasn't committed to you yet.